Dear J,
J… we need to talk about some things… they are building up again. And you are mostly in the nucleus of it. I feel there is tension between us, and once again am attempting to check in with you, and talk about it. Honestly, I am a little antsy with some things that I see are happening. I don’t want to exaggerate those things, or blow the situation out of proportion but I feel it needs to be discussed. I should probably think before I speak because I’m a big coward and a pessimist when it comes to these things. I am afraid that projectile vomit would come from my mouth so I keep it shut most of the time. “The ball is in your court” – J told me that once. Speaking of J, I’m not interested. But I would like a truce so I don’t have to dislike her so much when she comes around, so much that I put in my status in the worst way possible. I don't like being stuck on hating her forever.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Letter Of Truth
Dear so and so, I struggle with proverbs 6:25
(Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.)
If there is a girl I like, that I KNOW is single, and we've known each other for a long time and we get along should I tell her I like her? I don't want to tell her I like her because that would put me at risk to more drama, and relationship problems as with me and J. I don't know how she would react so I keep my emotions blanketed undercover... For weeks now. I don't know if it's the right thing to say to J but I plan to take it nice, easy, slow, and Keep it short!!!
I think she may be dating someone, but I should not make assumptions.
I need a girl like her to talk to me through my insecurities, and make me feel better, more like a worthy person.
(Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.)
If there is a girl I like, that I KNOW is single, and we've known each other for a long time and we get along should I tell her I like her? I don't want to tell her I like her because that would put me at risk to more drama, and relationship problems as with me and J. I don't know how she would react so I keep my emotions blanketed undercover... For weeks now. I don't know if it's the right thing to say to J but I plan to take it nice, easy, slow, and Keep it short!!!
I think she may be dating someone, but I should not make assumptions.
I need a girl like her to talk to me through my insecurities, and make me feel better, more like a worthy person.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Relationships
Is it okay for a brother to be attracted to his sister? Recently, I have had some emotional feelings towards this one person in my life... and a few others. Specifically, one of these individuals makes me feel happy, and good inside for a few reasons: She is a girl and she’s always nice to everyone, and understands what she hears most of the time… she gives good advice too, if you can get her to sit down and discuss your issues, or in my case, new insecurities, and she usually doesn’t spread gossip or speak blasphemy or rumors. I read that in a study people who are more holy and, are more involved in their studies become more qualified to be attractive to others. People in my group seek love in god within the person, and not the individual, or their materials. I am aware that this “love” is not the love where I want to date her, it is not a holy, godly love, and it’s not an exactly a love focused on god. I wanted to “check in” or “talk” with these individuals to make sure our relationship status was okay, steady, and not on the rocks. From the two people I have, or had in mind, one of them I rarely see at all, and the other has “priorities” and sometimes forgets or “falls asleep” when the other person wanting to check in repeatedly says that they would like to meet over the phone, texting, and sometimes even facebook. When these things happen, I feel ultimately guilty, like I was completely forgotten about or not have gotten any attention when I was in a group situation. This happened to me many times before over the phone, and facebook… but when I am sitting right there next to the others and be ignored as if I was completely dead, it discourages me, and gets me worried about relationships. I’ve talked to numerous people many times, and it has helped substantially, and I think it is getting redundant, and could possibly be getting on their nerves, but they still have the love of a brother, and I appreciate those genuinely nice people who take the time to discuss my issues or insecurities. I guess our “unofficial meeting” wasn’t meant to happen, or something was hindering it from happening. I later told myself that it was not right and, it may bring more drama and, make things worse and more awkward. When I get close to meeting with a new person I get excited for it, and it gives me something to look forward to, and lets me release some of the tension and feelings that are bottled up in my mind, just waiting to come out.
It usually takes about a week to meet with them, and sometimes it takes too long, and the meeting never happens because I change my mind, or realize that I’m being selfish, and focusing on the wrong thing. I made myself aware that I was focusing on the person more than on god. I feel that sometimes I am coming out to the group for the wrong reasons. Instead of studying, I come to have social interactions. I still attend ever week because it is awesome, and it is a great place to be with others in a small group setting. I have a chance to participate and, gain wisdom from the discussions. I try to pay attention and, get involved with all the questions as much as I can. I probably should read the word more than I am, because my friends are all much more religious in that aspect. That book has all the answers in it, and helps in time of need to back up everything that comes from your lips. All I can do now is to continuously pray about it and, hope things remain steady and that no more issues will arise underneath a dark cloud of smoke and rain that we won’t see coming.
*** Quotes ***
“Were living in a box called the world, we all need to work together to think outside the box.”
“Those in their own worlds need to be in there, except when we need them in our world.” (RN)
“She might suck at soccer but if you mess with her, she’ll kick your balls”
1 Corinthians 13:4
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud"
It usually takes about a week to meet with them, and sometimes it takes too long, and the meeting never happens because I change my mind, or realize that I’m being selfish, and focusing on the wrong thing. I made myself aware that I was focusing on the person more than on god. I feel that sometimes I am coming out to the group for the wrong reasons. Instead of studying, I come to have social interactions. I still attend ever week because it is awesome, and it is a great place to be with others in a small group setting. I have a chance to participate and, gain wisdom from the discussions. I try to pay attention and, get involved with all the questions as much as I can. I probably should read the word more than I am, because my friends are all much more religious in that aspect. That book has all the answers in it, and helps in time of need to back up everything that comes from your lips. All I can do now is to continuously pray about it and, hope things remain steady and that no more issues will arise underneath a dark cloud of smoke and rain that we won’t see coming.
*** Quotes ***
“Were living in a box called the world, we all need to work together to think outside the box.”
“Those in their own worlds need to be in there, except when we need them in our world.” (RN)
“She might suck at soccer but if you mess with her, she’ll kick your balls”
1 Corinthians 13:4
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud"
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Word List! & Essay written with these words.
***WORD LIST***
Subdue, Slander, Audacity, Epistemology, Monotony, Assess
Grovel, Alleviate, Haphazard. Desperation, Squabble, Impeccable
Devastation, Hurt, Sick, Broken, Angry, Anxious, Truce, Extraneous
Agony, Pain, Suffering, Havoc, Depression, Antsy, Coward, Pessimist
Angst, Affirmation, Discomfort, Stress, Disorder, Projectile Vomit
Riveting, Abjection, Compromise, Solve, Solution, flippant, Ominous
Spite, Remorse, Conscientious, Petrified, Epidemic, Quivering
Narcissist, Pedestal, Circumstances, Inconspicuous, Eccentric
***Perpetrator, Belittle, Closure*** New Words 1-14-16
So recently I have had strong feelings for the issues that I'm having trouble letting go of. One of the feelings was Abjection where my teacher defined it as being attracted to something and then being repulsed by whatever it was that was the issue. My feelings have been mixed around like clothes in a super powered dryer, which could mean that my mood and feelings are like the tumble dry function, which makes my head spin around and around to a point where I get dizzy, confused, and I don't know what to do. My heart says one thing but my soul says something else, and I don't know who or what to follow anymore.
I've been seeking the truth and Affirmation in my own world, trying to see God's light show me what the world is trying to tell me but it has been tough to follow through with everything because there are so many things on my mind that I can't concentrate very well. Living the life that I don't want to be in, and that God doesn't want me to be in, is complete agony for me at some times because my feeling and emotions overpower me and I can't seem to fill the space in my head with something else that is better, and more positive for me. I've been consistently going out for walks and praying out loud trying to Heed his call and just thinking about my past, and future to see what God has done for me for the past 21 years. I'm not trying to impress anyone or do this for anyone, I am doing this for myself. My friend mentioned that my past does not define my future and there is a lot of truth to that.
Most of my feelings become Alleviated when I'm out with others, my close friends that I hang out with usually at least twice a week. Our group has been split up into two because it is so big, and we did it geographically. That makes one day less of the people who I like the most, talk the most, and are the most interesting people in the group that have mutual comfort with me and are easier to talk to. I know most of the people who are going to that group and the details of where they meet. God and myself are both saying that I should stay where I am because it is much closer and in a much safer place with easier parking and people that I can communicate with outside of the group meetings because I'm friends with them online, I have most of their numbers and, they are nearby so neither of us won't have to travel far to be able to meet up with each other for going to the park or simply having a informal lunch meeting.
I have a lot of Anxiety for my life, & my own well being, I've been like that long before these issues escalated. I worry about many things, when I am in the same place where I've had memories or interactions of things, or with these people that I didn't like, I worry about things being like that for long periods of time with no positive results whatsoever. At times I feel completely and utterly hopeless and just want to give up on everything and just let it go. If I want something from somewhere or have a goal to talk with someone I tend to not give up. If I can't talk to then in person there is always online for me, which usually ends up with me writing something that takes time with no response. Sending messages for me is much easier than talking in person because I can organize my thoughts and have them out in front of me in a somewhat more understandable way. I have time to think & edit which is really easy to do on a computer. It saves me from the feelings of failing to accomplish telling people what I want to say when I can't seem to step up to them without being accused of being a creepy stalker guy, I feel that way sometimes. Recently I've been having trouble with myself because I seem to be following people around, getting near them, walking past them, and not having words to say, and not opening my mouth. I just generally give them looks or make my way pacing back and forth in a way that they will see me. I don't do that to get attention so much as to try to interact with them, or observe what they are doing, carefully, from a distance, without making it completely obvious to anyone but that specific person or group of people. Its not that I can't talk to them but it is extremely difficult to walk up to a person and tell them how you feel, to their face... however, if you want better results, you should talk to that person in person so it's harder for them to ignore you and you make sure that they listen to what you have to say that is so important. Heart to heart conversations have been going on visibly between me & my friends and her & her friends (maybe not about the same things but its a heart to heart nonetheless which gets me worried and concerned) I think I Sowed (planted seeds for future growth) but I'm not sure if they will have enough food, water or sunlight to grow or develop into a beautiful creation of God. the way he intended it to be. By seeds I mean that the effort has been put forward, and by creation of God I'm trying to say that I want a good relationship that everyone can Attest to being good and agreeable on... (sorry if that was confusing). If I don't get friendship out of everyone it makes me feel depressed, my feelings or desperation to talk to those people are magnified and my overall mood just takes a steep, sharp, painful. nosedive.
I am capable of having the Audacity to do whatever I need to do to feel the right way for myself, with respecting others and their needs. I am fully capable of using my mind for great things, plans, or ideas. I have thoughts of doing things that are Immoral and unnecessary that will only get me into more trouble if I get caught doing it with proof or witnesses that can tell the stories if they want to prosecute me, which I have been coming very close to. It already happened once in my life and that was enough. There was a situation in high school where I blogged obsessively about an slightly older girl that I had interest in. I blogged about her quite a bit, she, her parents & some law officials had continuously read everything. As of today, there is yet another girl in the similar situation that I am pursuing a manageable friendship with, she's slightly younger than me, and is extremely nice, humble, modest, and giving to others. At some point I was a broken, sad, depressed, unhappy, hopeless man, who felt as he could do nothing to save himself. I had those feelings for a while but they went away, but they came back which made me feel like a useless person, and everything I did was flustering, and all my feeble attempts were Futile and Useless. I felt my heart was shattered at that point, and that I lost all of the shards, or puzzle pieces to fix or restore what friendship we had. Forgiveness is a slow process but in order for things to work out, both sides have to make a deal, agreement, or pact. It takes a long time but if we pray and trust in God, and let him take care of it, things will pan out and have good outcomes in the end. The situation I'm in has become very Discomforting for me & my friends, I think that most of them know more or less about it. I'm almost at a point to which I am groveling for help and advice from others, with prayer of course. I don't want to feel like a beggar asking for help or sympathy but that is what I feel that I am doing and being that kind of person. There is much Disorder and Chaos that I probably put myself in. I have been blaming it mostly on specific people that are like blame targets, or Scapegoats. I feel that I have Slandered her for things that she didn't necessarily do for reasons beyond belief, kinda like gossip. When you feel that the other person hates you and has Betrayed you by taking your closest friends away and making them into a 5 person clique, you tend to hate them too, and have negative feelings towards them. Basically, you turn them into an evil demon or monster who is out of destroy everything you have and making your life a living hell, without even knowing it. I was a very angry person when I was told that I would not be able to go out with my friends because she was gonna be there. I felt ruthless, unforgiving, aggressive anger towards her. Its really stressful and has not let me doing anything because that's all I can think about. My friend said that I have to push all those thoughts out, and fill the empty space in my head with something else. For example, if a boat had a hole in it, you should try to fix the hole first, before trying to take all the water out because eventually the water will make the boat sink. Its kinda like a wave where I have to push in one direction and prevent these thoughts from coming back and replace them with better things because if I don't, I will eventually fall down, or sink. I can't Subdue, or Suppress my feelings but I'm trying to cope with them. I've been avoiding this monster and I think things are stabilizing, at least for me. It has been making me sick, going from a very enraged person to a sad, sobbing, unhappy person who sheds tears and does not feel up to par. This is truly a Havoc for me, and my friends who have to constantly put up with whatever happens. I think that most of them are at their patience limit and they've had enough of it. I don't even know what can wash away all my sins and make me whole again, I mean sin had left a crimson stain, but he washed it white as snow. (I just quoted two songs there).
This is all for now. I used my word list for help here.
Subdue, Slander, Audacity, Epistemology, Monotony, Assess
Grovel, Alleviate, Haphazard. Desperation, Squabble, Impeccable
Devastation, Hurt, Sick, Broken, Angry, Anxious, Truce, Extraneous
Agony, Pain, Suffering, Havoc, Depression, Antsy, Coward, Pessimist
Angst, Affirmation, Discomfort, Stress, Disorder, Projectile Vomit
Riveting, Abjection, Compromise, Solve, Solution, flippant, Ominous
Spite, Remorse, Conscientious, Petrified, Epidemic, Quivering
Narcissist, Pedestal, Circumstances, Inconspicuous, Eccentric
***Perpetrator, Belittle, Closure*** New Words 1-14-16
So recently I have had strong feelings for the issues that I'm having trouble letting go of. One of the feelings was Abjection where my teacher defined it as being attracted to something and then being repulsed by whatever it was that was the issue. My feelings have been mixed around like clothes in a super powered dryer, which could mean that my mood and feelings are like the tumble dry function, which makes my head spin around and around to a point where I get dizzy, confused, and I don't know what to do. My heart says one thing but my soul says something else, and I don't know who or what to follow anymore.
I've been seeking the truth and Affirmation in my own world, trying to see God's light show me what the world is trying to tell me but it has been tough to follow through with everything because there are so many things on my mind that I can't concentrate very well. Living the life that I don't want to be in, and that God doesn't want me to be in, is complete agony for me at some times because my feeling and emotions overpower me and I can't seem to fill the space in my head with something else that is better, and more positive for me. I've been consistently going out for walks and praying out loud trying to Heed his call and just thinking about my past, and future to see what God has done for me for the past 21 years. I'm not trying to impress anyone or do this for anyone, I am doing this for myself. My friend mentioned that my past does not define my future and there is a lot of truth to that.
Most of my feelings become Alleviated when I'm out with others, my close friends that I hang out with usually at least twice a week. Our group has been split up into two because it is so big, and we did it geographically. That makes one day less of the people who I like the most, talk the most, and are the most interesting people in the group that have mutual comfort with me and are easier to talk to. I know most of the people who are going to that group and the details of where they meet. God and myself are both saying that I should stay where I am because it is much closer and in a much safer place with easier parking and people that I can communicate with outside of the group meetings because I'm friends with them online, I have most of their numbers and, they are nearby so neither of us won't have to travel far to be able to meet up with each other for going to the park or simply having a informal lunch meeting.
I have a lot of Anxiety for my life, & my own well being, I've been like that long before these issues escalated. I worry about many things, when I am in the same place where I've had memories or interactions of things, or with these people that I didn't like, I worry about things being like that for long periods of time with no positive results whatsoever. At times I feel completely and utterly hopeless and just want to give up on everything and just let it go. If I want something from somewhere or have a goal to talk with someone I tend to not give up. If I can't talk to then in person there is always online for me, which usually ends up with me writing something that takes time with no response. Sending messages for me is much easier than talking in person because I can organize my thoughts and have them out in front of me in a somewhat more understandable way. I have time to think & edit which is really easy to do on a computer. It saves me from the feelings of failing to accomplish telling people what I want to say when I can't seem to step up to them without being accused of being a creepy stalker guy, I feel that way sometimes. Recently I've been having trouble with myself because I seem to be following people around, getting near them, walking past them, and not having words to say, and not opening my mouth. I just generally give them looks or make my way pacing back and forth in a way that they will see me. I don't do that to get attention so much as to try to interact with them, or observe what they are doing, carefully, from a distance, without making it completely obvious to anyone but that specific person or group of people. Its not that I can't talk to them but it is extremely difficult to walk up to a person and tell them how you feel, to their face... however, if you want better results, you should talk to that person in person so it's harder for them to ignore you and you make sure that they listen to what you have to say that is so important. Heart to heart conversations have been going on visibly between me & my friends and her & her friends (maybe not about the same things but its a heart to heart nonetheless which gets me worried and concerned) I think I Sowed (planted seeds for future growth) but I'm not sure if they will have enough food, water or sunlight to grow or develop into a beautiful creation of God. the way he intended it to be. By seeds I mean that the effort has been put forward, and by creation of God I'm trying to say that I want a good relationship that everyone can Attest to being good and agreeable on... (sorry if that was confusing). If I don't get friendship out of everyone it makes me feel depressed, my feelings or desperation to talk to those people are magnified and my overall mood just takes a steep, sharp, painful. nosedive.
I am capable of having the Audacity to do whatever I need to do to feel the right way for myself, with respecting others and their needs. I am fully capable of using my mind for great things, plans, or ideas. I have thoughts of doing things that are Immoral and unnecessary that will only get me into more trouble if I get caught doing it with proof or witnesses that can tell the stories if they want to prosecute me, which I have been coming very close to. It already happened once in my life and that was enough. There was a situation in high school where I blogged obsessively about an slightly older girl that I had interest in. I blogged about her quite a bit, she, her parents & some law officials had continuously read everything. As of today, there is yet another girl in the similar situation that I am pursuing a manageable friendship with, she's slightly younger than me, and is extremely nice, humble, modest, and giving to others. At some point I was a broken, sad, depressed, unhappy, hopeless man, who felt as he could do nothing to save himself. I had those feelings for a while but they went away, but they came back which made me feel like a useless person, and everything I did was flustering, and all my feeble attempts were Futile and Useless. I felt my heart was shattered at that point, and that I lost all of the shards, or puzzle pieces to fix or restore what friendship we had. Forgiveness is a slow process but in order for things to work out, both sides have to make a deal, agreement, or pact. It takes a long time but if we pray and trust in God, and let him take care of it, things will pan out and have good outcomes in the end. The situation I'm in has become very Discomforting for me & my friends, I think that most of them know more or less about it. I'm almost at a point to which I am groveling for help and advice from others, with prayer of course. I don't want to feel like a beggar asking for help or sympathy but that is what I feel that I am doing and being that kind of person. There is much Disorder and Chaos that I probably put myself in. I have been blaming it mostly on specific people that are like blame targets, or Scapegoats. I feel that I have Slandered her for things that she didn't necessarily do for reasons beyond belief, kinda like gossip. When you feel that the other person hates you and has Betrayed you by taking your closest friends away and making them into a 5 person clique, you tend to hate them too, and have negative feelings towards them. Basically, you turn them into an evil demon or monster who is out of destroy everything you have and making your life a living hell, without even knowing it. I was a very angry person when I was told that I would not be able to go out with my friends because she was gonna be there. I felt ruthless, unforgiving, aggressive anger towards her. Its really stressful and has not let me doing anything because that's all I can think about. My friend said that I have to push all those thoughts out, and fill the empty space in my head with something else. For example, if a boat had a hole in it, you should try to fix the hole first, before trying to take all the water out because eventually the water will make the boat sink. Its kinda like a wave where I have to push in one direction and prevent these thoughts from coming back and replace them with better things because if I don't, I will eventually fall down, or sink. I can't Subdue, or Suppress my feelings but I'm trying to cope with them. I've been avoiding this monster and I think things are stabilizing, at least for me. It has been making me sick, going from a very enraged person to a sad, sobbing, unhappy person who sheds tears and does not feel up to par. This is truly a Havoc for me, and my friends who have to constantly put up with whatever happens. I think that most of them are at their patience limit and they've had enough of it. I don't even know what can wash away all my sins and make me whole again, I mean sin had left a crimson stain, but he washed it white as snow. (I just quoted two songs there).
This is all for now. I used my word list for help here.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I'm sick of all the tears
Noobody knows how i feel inside
They just walk on by
Im cryin soo hard
No body hears my screams
Or cries of desperation
I need someone to feel my broken dreams
I'm tired of hurting
I'm tired of bein sick
God, if ur there
please take away
this pain, suffering, agony, depression, anger, havoc, distress, angst, and more feelings.
I need u soo bad, my friends, be with me.
Never leave me
Please restore my relationship with the people I need the most, and God I really need you.
Someone please help me, save me from myself.
"I feel all the pain but where the the love?"
Noobody knows how i feel inside
They just walk on by
Im cryin soo hard
No body hears my screams
Or cries of desperation
I need someone to feel my broken dreams
I'm tired of hurting
I'm tired of bein sick
God, if ur there
please take away
this pain, suffering, agony, depression, anger, havoc, distress, angst, and more feelings.
I need u soo bad, my friends, be with me.
Never leave me
Please restore my relationship with the people I need the most, and God I really need you.
Someone please help me, save me from myself.
"I feel all the pain but where the the love?"
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Bible Verses 3
Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
***
Psalm 46
For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A song. [a]
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
***
Ephesians 5:10
Trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. (and you can read the rest of that, there is a lot)
***
James 1:2-4
Trials and Temptations
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
***
Listening and Doing
19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
***
(Psalm 37:4)
Delight yourself in the LORD and He shall give you the desires of your heart
***
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me
***
2 Timothy 2:23
Do not have anything to do with foolish and stupid discussions, because you know they breed arguments.
John 15:17
This is my command: Love each other. (Read the rest of John 15, it is good)
***
Ephesians 4 1-3
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
& 26"In your anger do not sin"[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold.
& 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
***
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
***
Proverbs 18:24
There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
***
Psalm 34:14
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
***
Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the
Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future."
***
Luke 12:35
"Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning"
***
Luke 13:24
“Strive to enter through the narrow door. For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able."
***
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
***
Matthew 18:15-17
15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
***
Psalm 46
For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A song. [a]
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields [b] with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
***
Ephesians 5:10
Trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. (and you can read the rest of that, there is a lot)
***
James 1:2-4
Trials and Temptations
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
***
Listening and Doing
19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 21Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
22Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
***
(Psalm 37:4)
Delight yourself in the LORD and He shall give you the desires of your heart
***
(2 Corinthians 12:9)
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me
***
2 Timothy 2:23
Do not have anything to do with foolish and stupid discussions, because you know they breed arguments.
John 15:17
This is my command: Love each other. (Read the rest of John 15, it is good)
***
Ephesians 4 1-3
1As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
& 26"In your anger do not sin"[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold.
& 29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
***
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
***
Proverbs 18:24
There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
***
Psalm 34:14
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
***
Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the
Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future."
***
Luke 12:35
"Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning"
***
Luke 13:24
“Strive to enter through the narrow door. For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able."
***
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
***
Matthew 18:15-17
15 “If your brother or sister[a] sins,[b] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[c] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
For: My Old Crush
This is one of those things that I write that I don't realize what I am doing to the person, until I see them in person. I'm writing this now because, apparently my mind and I have some more things to say, and probably won't be able to do it at CG because I barely say anything there, or do anything other than stare at the people across from me, or the floor. I also need time to express myself, privately this time. I wanted to make sure the whole thing was readable. Ben's house isn't really a good place to discuss this. I don't intend for this to be a stab in the back or anything, I don't know if I should even send this at all.
I am once again hiding behind my keyboard. I apologize if this is absolutely against the guidelines.
So I have been thinking a lot since we talked on Monday night... I took many of the things we discussed to heart and have been trying not to bring myself down so much to a point that I can't do anything. I'm trying not to hang my head either. I disappoint myself quite a lot. I've been thinking about how to message you but I never got around to it. I didn't send anything because I had looked at some pictures of you (which are in many of the places I go to on face book), and they caused me to change my story over and over. The thoughts and the feelings I have come and go from day to day, especially when I am alone. I've been working on reducing that. At some points in the day I forget about everything (including other things not related to you) and my mind is completely clear. In the blog posts that I wrote, I wrote some things down, they were on my mind at that point and I really did not realize the effect we talked on Monday night.
I did go to God at least one time every day. I've been looking thorough the bible for myself each day looking for good verses, however, I used google or other peoples words to write the essay, which was that first blog that I wrote. I asked him to lift my spirits and to let the devil free from me like in James 4:7, and so far it has been working. God is good. I've been keeping myself together, strong, and trying to keep me mental health stable (not going psycho). I am much better than I was last week, I was completely miserable then and my body language, and facial expressions were telling the story as I left your house that thursday night. I was a complete mess.
The only clear thought of you, that I can think of was when 8675309 came into my mind. Google that and look at the second result.
***
I don't want to be messaging you too often, or having too many talks. I'm not trying to manipulate you to talk to me or to secretly do anything. Neither of us want to control each others lives either. That one time needed to be done. Some times I need to let things happen so that I can learn from my many many mistakes. Sometimes I fail to see that, I can be oblivious to things that I do to myself, and to others. It's hard for me to understand things, even when it is in my head already or if I've been told many times.
I want to say sincere apologies in advance for the things that may happen in the future. I hope that I won't cross that line in the sand. I never intended to cause you any trouble or negativity. I did not want to make you feel what I felt. I have a kind, loving, gentle heart. I can go over the limit a lot. I'm not that kind of person to hate or make people suffer by punishing them for things that they really did not do. My mind is a very powerful thing. If I only pursue what I needed to go after instead of what I shouldn't, I would have a better life, being more happy and successful. Life is tough. Every single day. I think I have most of my situations under control. If you have any other issues with me bring them up to me, or someone else like Josiah and they can tell me. You can talk to me thorough them. I get extremely nervous when I see you, and my heart rate goes way up. I told you Monday that I was shaking, cold, and that my adrenaline was pumping. That happens every so often when you are in the room.
It takes time to regain people's trust, if this message went against it, or I really made the situation much worse, I don't like people to feel bad because of the things I write to them. However long it takes, I am willing to go the distance. I think people are fed up with the things I posted last week, over facebook. I wrote those things on paper, that I wrote in addition to the new crazy statuses.
(http://www.openbible.info/topics/envy) had a lot of verses about Envy, and jealousy, two of the feelings I have. Jealousy will rot the soul away. In Psalm 119:175 it talks about the soul, and letting it live. Some times I wonder if I even have a soul. I've done far worse things and had thoughts that should probably never be spoken of, or brought up. I asked God to let my soul live and for forgiveness and peace and I think that my prayers have been answered.
Anyways, If I can get my work done, get the car, and you are coming to Ben's for CG, I will see you there. Don't worry about me "Keying" or vandalizing your car, or anyone else's. Those thoughts were for me but they came out of my mouth when we spoke. I cared about you that much that I even told you about the mark on your fridge and mostly everything I could think of.
Maybe a break would me nice, it was suggested to me by a few people. But I get bored, and lonely and that is the time that those thoughts tend to drift back into my head.
Have a nice rest of the day!
God Bless!
I am once again hiding behind my keyboard. I apologize if this is absolutely against the guidelines.
So I have been thinking a lot since we talked on Monday night... I took many of the things we discussed to heart and have been trying not to bring myself down so much to a point that I can't do anything. I'm trying not to hang my head either. I disappoint myself quite a lot. I've been thinking about how to message you but I never got around to it. I didn't send anything because I had looked at some pictures of you (which are in many of the places I go to on face book), and they caused me to change my story over and over. The thoughts and the feelings I have come and go from day to day, especially when I am alone. I've been working on reducing that. At some points in the day I forget about everything (including other things not related to you) and my mind is completely clear. In the blog posts that I wrote, I wrote some things down, they were on my mind at that point and I really did not realize the effect we talked on Monday night.
I did go to God at least one time every day. I've been looking thorough the bible for myself each day looking for good verses, however, I used google or other peoples words to write the essay, which was that first blog that I wrote. I asked him to lift my spirits and to let the devil free from me like in James 4:7, and so far it has been working. God is good. I've been keeping myself together, strong, and trying to keep me mental health stable (not going psycho). I am much better than I was last week, I was completely miserable then and my body language, and facial expressions were telling the story as I left your house that thursday night. I was a complete mess.
The only clear thought of you, that I can think of was when 8675309 came into my mind. Google that and look at the second result.
***
I don't want to be messaging you too often, or having too many talks. I'm not trying to manipulate you to talk to me or to secretly do anything. Neither of us want to control each others lives either. That one time needed to be done. Some times I need to let things happen so that I can learn from my many many mistakes. Sometimes I fail to see that, I can be oblivious to things that I do to myself, and to others. It's hard for me to understand things, even when it is in my head already or if I've been told many times.
I want to say sincere apologies in advance for the things that may happen in the future. I hope that I won't cross that line in the sand. I never intended to cause you any trouble or negativity. I did not want to make you feel what I felt. I have a kind, loving, gentle heart. I can go over the limit a lot. I'm not that kind of person to hate or make people suffer by punishing them for things that they really did not do. My mind is a very powerful thing. If I only pursue what I needed to go after instead of what I shouldn't, I would have a better life, being more happy and successful. Life is tough. Every single day. I think I have most of my situations under control. If you have any other issues with me bring them up to me, or someone else like Josiah and they can tell me. You can talk to me thorough them. I get extremely nervous when I see you, and my heart rate goes way up. I told you Monday that I was shaking, cold, and that my adrenaline was pumping. That happens every so often when you are in the room.
It takes time to regain people's trust, if this message went against it, or I really made the situation much worse, I don't like people to feel bad because of the things I write to them. However long it takes, I am willing to go the distance. I think people are fed up with the things I posted last week, over facebook. I wrote those things on paper, that I wrote in addition to the new crazy statuses.
(http://www.openbible.info/topics/envy) had a lot of verses about Envy, and jealousy, two of the feelings I have. Jealousy will rot the soul away. In Psalm 119:175 it talks about the soul, and letting it live. Some times I wonder if I even have a soul. I've done far worse things and had thoughts that should probably never be spoken of, or brought up. I asked God to let my soul live and for forgiveness and peace and I think that my prayers have been answered.
Anyways, If I can get my work done, get the car, and you are coming to Ben's for CG, I will see you there. Don't worry about me "Keying" or vandalizing your car, or anyone else's. Those thoughts were for me but they came out of my mouth when we spoke. I cared about you that much that I even told you about the mark on your fridge and mostly everything I could think of.
Maybe a break would me nice, it was suggested to me by a few people. But I get bored, and lonely and that is the time that those thoughts tend to drift back into my head.
Have a nice rest of the day!
God Bless!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Part Two Anyone?
My life is still a mess. It is broken in so many pieces right now and it's making me absolutely miserable. These depressing feelings are not going away. I am unable to avoid thinking about them because there are demons constantly attacking me from all different sides. I got the chance to talk with at least four people and they all told me some good advice. They were not short talks either. The talks lasted at least 10 minutes total. I've been talking about this to everyone, making this situation extremely public because I can write more things that are better in this blog. If I send a facebook message, and want to edit something, un send it, or add more things to it, I simply would not be able to do that, also if I send it directly in the message, she may not want to read it right then and there so I post a link and it is her choice to read it or not. On this blog I can send copies to people and let the whole world know my feelings on just what is happening to me. I went ahead and went against myself, my own will, out to where she was just to make my self feel better because sometimes I write things, and then when I see her, they slightly get reset and I temporarily feel better. Generally I haven't actually felt good for months and months and my entire life is decaying into a form that nobody in a normal state of mind should even think about.
I'm usually quiet but today I was especially mute, even around the people I hang with at montco every single day. I spent the hours of 7:00 - 11:45 ish with her. When I went out to the park for community group I sat on the other side of the bench, looking at the scenery. I watched over the parking lot and the beautiful Forrest in the background. I was sitting there and meditating. I was like an outcast because I had excluded myself. When I got there I had to go make an emergency phone call to one of my friends just to notify him of her being there. I had eventually moved due to three people blowing smoke in my general direction. She was then in my vision and she noticed and adjusted her seat as well. As the sun went down and there was darkness everywhere I ran off to relieve myself and then I rejoined the group. After we all sped off, we went to Acme. I just disappeared there and went straight to her house the only way I knew how. Speeding up 309, which was a complete rush while my music was blasting. I was tearing up the road. I re joined the group at her house as they were making mac and cheese and chillin downstairs when I once again had to get up and walk around, this time, outside. I made a couple phone calls and came back in. Towards the end of the night we were a small group of only six people and then there was an elevated conversation about dinosaurs, dragons, behemoths, and leviathans. At some point in the night she blurted out her schedules, saying that she had a lot of free time. Now I know that for a fact. I never asked her on any occasion to hang out but I just might if our relationship can be patched up. When we were first friends, I think I asked / invited her to come over for dinner or just hang out with me but that never happened. I have A LOT of free time as well and I would LOVE to hang out with her, or anyone in general because it beats sitting at home alone or just not doing anything at all. Her house and mine are not too far away from each other and generally other than Monday's and Wednesdays I have my dad's car to take. At the very end of the night, I purposely was the last one out because I finally felt the need to absolutely tell her that we needed to meet. As I was getting ready to leave I asked God for confidence and courage to go up and confront her. I prayed and I had received strength. I don't know how she took that but I brought it up to her attention myself, I'm not sure if my friends brought it up so I had to take this matter into my own hands and try to do something that I thought was right to take care of the things that were going on. I've felt this calling from God for a good few weeks and I really wanted to get it off my chest. So that is what happened for the second part of my day. My friend said that writing these things about her obsessively is really disturbing and irritating to her. I hope that it is not. I don't want to make trouble for any of us. I still have respect for her, and I think that she does to me as well. I just want to be a close friend, NOT to be a couple. She made that clear to me, and I took it.
My emotions are still bottled up at the moment. That fuse has been lit and could explode at any given time. Some of it came out last night after I walked out the door and it was very audible. I drove home in silence, thinking.
This song below is really good right now.
I'm usually quiet but today I was especially mute, even around the people I hang with at montco every single day. I spent the hours of 7:00 - 11:45 ish with her. When I went out to the park for community group I sat on the other side of the bench, looking at the scenery. I watched over the parking lot and the beautiful Forrest in the background. I was sitting there and meditating. I was like an outcast because I had excluded myself. When I got there I had to go make an emergency phone call to one of my friends just to notify him of her being there. I had eventually moved due to three people blowing smoke in my general direction. She was then in my vision and she noticed and adjusted her seat as well. As the sun went down and there was darkness everywhere I ran off to relieve myself and then I rejoined the group. After we all sped off, we went to Acme. I just disappeared there and went straight to her house the only way I knew how. Speeding up 309, which was a complete rush while my music was blasting. I was tearing up the road. I re joined the group at her house as they were making mac and cheese and chillin downstairs when I once again had to get up and walk around, this time, outside. I made a couple phone calls and came back in. Towards the end of the night we were a small group of only six people and then there was an elevated conversation about dinosaurs, dragons, behemoths, and leviathans. At some point in the night she blurted out her schedules, saying that she had a lot of free time. Now I know that for a fact. I never asked her on any occasion to hang out but I just might if our relationship can be patched up. When we were first friends, I think I asked / invited her to come over for dinner or just hang out with me but that never happened. I have A LOT of free time as well and I would LOVE to hang out with her, or anyone in general because it beats sitting at home alone or just not doing anything at all. Her house and mine are not too far away from each other and generally other than Monday's and Wednesdays I have my dad's car to take. At the very end of the night, I purposely was the last one out because I finally felt the need to absolutely tell her that we needed to meet. As I was getting ready to leave I asked God for confidence and courage to go up and confront her. I prayed and I had received strength. I don't know how she took that but I brought it up to her attention myself, I'm not sure if my friends brought it up so I had to take this matter into my own hands and try to do something that I thought was right to take care of the things that were going on. I've felt this calling from God for a good few weeks and I really wanted to get it off my chest. So that is what happened for the second part of my day. My friend said that writing these things about her obsessively is really disturbing and irritating to her. I hope that it is not. I don't want to make trouble for any of us. I still have respect for her, and I think that she does to me as well. I just want to be a close friend, NOT to be a couple. She made that clear to me, and I took it.
My emotions are still bottled up at the moment. That fuse has been lit and could explode at any given time. Some of it came out last night after I walked out the door and it was very audible. I drove home in silence, thinking.
This song below is really good right now.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Disturbing Thoughts.
My mood has been manic all week, I've had chronic psychotic depression symptoms all week. I'm experiencing extreme OCD as well. I even starting waking up early on Sundays just so I can see people at the church right by my house. I am Jewish. I occasionally sit in for the service but, never find my friends until it is all over. After it's over I get to spend a few minutes with them until they leave. I've turned to the bible, and it's verses. She made me change subconsciously, without even knowing. I'm having extreme difficulty talking to the people I have turned away from. I'm stuck between a very painful rock and a hard place and I keep banging my head into it and it hurts, a lot. Luke 6:42 talks about blaming others, which is what I think I am doing, even though she is not doing anything I express anger and negativity whenever she is around. I'm apathetic, I have lost my feelings, and interest in her. My mind and spirit both break which leaves me crippled and feeling depressed for the rest of the day. Luke 27,28 talks about loving your enemies and to do good to those who hate you, it also says that in Matthew 5:44 ("But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.) She does not hate me yet as far as I am concerned. My guy friends actually care to tell me that they care and like having me around. I've never asked her since this conflict began between me, my alter ego, and the imaginary people fighting the war inside my brain. As soon as I forget about her God, or whatever seems to place things in front of me which remind me of her and there are a lot of things that trigger me to consciously have her on my mind.We used to be somewhat good friends, when we first met but then as She went on meeting other people, day by day we were growing apart from each other. I talked to my friends about her a lot, and this person knows only part of the story. I've been meaning to meet up with her and a few others. I never brought it up to her in person, rather, only via facebook message.I can no longer post on her wall, or see it at all and messages are all I can send, they are irreversible one the send button is clicked. She had a legit reason to take it off because I posted multiple posts there almost every day and then removed them in the end. Facebook has a setting to e mail you every time you get something in your inbox and that can get really irritating if it is from the same person every single time. I understood the fact that she said she wasn't going to be available for me 24 /7 on facebook. I reduced my posts but apparently something happened that she AND her sister took their walls completely off, therefore there has been no facebook communication between us, or any at all. I posted a disturbing video trying to explain myself there called "phone tag" and it came off as something very confusing that nobody seemed to know why I posted it. After that, I think she thought that I was becoming that when I meant to say "Please stop this from happening, this is going to happen". Throughout the years I have been labeled as a stalker type of person, I even made a blog / website about it back in my high school days. I asked one of my close friends to forward along that message so he can be with me and help me through this extremely difficult situation. I have to get up and walk away multiple times, strutting in anger to get away, storming out of the room, and I think people have noticed. It's gonna take more than just a hero, or prayer to fix all this, I need a miracle to save me from myself, and from hurting the others who I am close to. I don't want to end up like the Devil child in Acts 13:10. I know that she is not evil, she has not cursed me, or haunted me personally as many times as I thought, and neither did her house, which also tends to have an effect on me depending on my mood.Recently my friends and a few people had met but we didn't have time to cover everything. The three of us talked for at least an hour (or at least it felt like it). After that I became extremely passive aggressive with the people around me. I felt the situation that I had just escalated to a much higher level with more feelings, this time including anger, anxiousness, and agony. I hate waking up with a throbbing headache every single morning and not being able to do simple tasks like standing up, getting dressed, or even having a simple breakfast before I have to go schlep my feet to get to the bus station. Some days I really wish I could drive to school, or have a car to drive like most of my other friends so I can use my own schedule and not adjust to the stupid SEPTA schedule and constantly ask my friends for rides which is annoying. I need a car, a job and a wad of cash to fit my budget. I still live at home with my parents who I fight with almost every day which really is a buzz kill. I'm having problems most of the places I go anyway due to my personality. I still think about things that bring my mood down. I want to tell the source / sources of this problem but I don't want to bring them out from their happy mood down to a low level that they probably have never experienced before. I talked to one of my other friends Monday night and told him what was going on and he said they were giving me a big slap to the face in a way. When I think about that kind of stuff it makes me sick and almost want to vomit. I'm stuck in this loop until my manic depression goes and takes a 180, making me jump around and hyper.
To make matters worse, it is cold, dark. and it started to rain as we were outside today. Oy Vey.
History is repeating itself.
"Life can be a tedious treadmill. We find ourselves running and running and getting nowhere fast. A grueling rat race where even if you win you're still a rat – all of it leaves us wondering what it's all about and why we are working so hard with no meaningful, consequential reward."
*** TANGENT ***
I hate it when my friends don't answer my phone calls or call me back. Also, I don't have the text messaging service on my phone anymore so it makes it harder to communicate. My bill was unbelievable and was outstanding even to me, that I sent out that many messages. Whenever I'm around people most of them have their cool high tech cell phones out either texting or looking up things on their mobile web. I do that with my Ipod touch all the time but only where there is WiFi, that is unlocked, or usable with a password.
To make matters worse, it is cold, dark. and it started to rain as we were outside today. Oy Vey.
History is repeating itself.
"Life can be a tedious treadmill. We find ourselves running and running and getting nowhere fast. A grueling rat race where even if you win you're still a rat – all of it leaves us wondering what it's all about and why we are working so hard with no meaningful, consequential reward."
*** TANGENT ***
I hate it when my friends don't answer my phone calls or call me back. Also, I don't have the text messaging service on my phone anymore so it makes it harder to communicate. My bill was unbelievable and was outstanding even to me, that I sent out that many messages. Whenever I'm around people most of them have their cool high tech cell phones out either texting or looking up things on their mobile web. I do that with my Ipod touch all the time but only where there is WiFi, that is unlocked, or usable with a password.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friend Poem
A True Friend:
A friend is someone that we treasure and love,
A friend is someone that we put high above,
A friend is someone that that's behind you all the way,
A friend is someone that that's gonna be there today,
A friend is someone that that never gives us a yawn,
A friend is someone that that we can always count on,
A friend is someone that that's always there,
A friend is someone that that's always willing to share,
A friend is someone that isn't there because of duty,
A friend is someone that that fills our lives with beauty,
A friend is someone that that we go to when we need a lift,
A friend is someone that is a true gift
True friends do not judge people.
A friend is someone that we treasure and love,
A friend is someone that we put high above,
A friend is someone that that's behind you all the way,
A friend is someone that that's gonna be there today,
A friend is someone that that never gives us a yawn,
A friend is someone that that we can always count on,
A friend is someone that that's always there,
A friend is someone that that's always willing to share,
A friend is someone that isn't there because of duty,
A friend is someone that that fills our lives with beauty,
A friend is someone that that we go to when we need a lift,
A friend is someone that is a true gift
True friends do not judge people.
Definition Of "Friends"
A person who would never intentionally hurt you, lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you, abuse you and who takes great care to be kind to you, honest with you, dependable and loyal. Someone who you trust without question because they have never given you any reason not to trust them. Someone you enjoy being around and look forward to seeing. Someone who would sacrifice themselves for you.
A friend is someone who doesn't screen your calls.
Word used as a gentle attempt to either turn someone down, or break up with a current relationship.
In friend there is an R that stands for real, without the R its fiend, a merciless demon only wanting to destroy you.
friends are people you can trust and take advice from.
Friends are people who are supposed to be there for you.
Friends don't abandon you.
Friends help you and tell you whenever you have a serious problem like cutting yourself.
Friends don't bail on you whenever its the hardest for you.
Friends are people who love you and vice versa. They may not always agree to what you say or do, since they believe that you deserve something better. They are beside you ALL the way. So, it hurts to lose a friend.
A lifetime is enough to make friends, yet a lifetime is NOT enough to understand them. We have to remember that as people, we are ALL subject to change. You can NEVER know someone fully, since you are imperfect. Yet, we can try to. LOVE your friends, and treasure the memories - they will cherish you even more
The people that are always with you and the people you want to be with more then family. Someone that you can't be with out.
people who help you get though tough times, to help you when you need it and they also prevent you from doing dangerous things that can hurt or even kill you
A friend is an angel sent from God to help your through your many struggles in life.
They are shoulders to cry on.
They stay up late to talk about what ever is on your mind.
They will hide the phone under there pillows at night just in case something bad happens and you need to talk.
They will forgive and forget.
They trust you just as much as you trust them.
someone who is always there never gives up on you wont let you down and leave you when you need them most
A companion. One of the greatest things existence has to offer.
someone who is kind to you, honest, trusts you and would never do anything to hurt, annoy, anger you, or make you uncomfortable in any way. they love you for just being you. friendship can never be a one sided relationship.
a friend is someone who should always be there for you, care about you, make you laugh, and knows how to make you feel better when your down.
when a friendship ends or you grow apart from a friend, it can hurt almost more than anything. like a non romantic "break up". it sucks.
A absolutely loyal person.
A friend is someone who doesn't screen your calls.
Word used as a gentle attempt to either turn someone down, or break up with a current relationship.
In friend there is an R that stands for real, without the R its fiend, a merciless demon only wanting to destroy you.
friends are people you can trust and take advice from.
Friends are people who are supposed to be there for you.
Friends don't abandon you.
Friends help you and tell you whenever you have a serious problem like cutting yourself.
Friends don't bail on you whenever its the hardest for you.
Friends are people who love you and vice versa. They may not always agree to what you say or do, since they believe that you deserve something better. They are beside you ALL the way. So, it hurts to lose a friend.
A lifetime is enough to make friends, yet a lifetime is NOT enough to understand them. We have to remember that as people, we are ALL subject to change. You can NEVER know someone fully, since you are imperfect. Yet, we can try to. LOVE your friends, and treasure the memories - they will cherish you even more
The people that are always with you and the people you want to be with more then family. Someone that you can't be with out.
people who help you get though tough times, to help you when you need it and they also prevent you from doing dangerous things that can hurt or even kill you
A friend is an angel sent from God to help your through your many struggles in life.
They are shoulders to cry on.
They stay up late to talk about what ever is on your mind.
They will hide the phone under there pillows at night just in case something bad happens and you need to talk.
They will forgive and forget.
They trust you just as much as you trust them.
someone who is always there never gives up on you wont let you down and leave you when you need them most
A companion. One of the greatest things existence has to offer.
someone who is kind to you, honest, trusts you and would never do anything to hurt, annoy, anger you, or make you uncomfortable in any way. they love you for just being you. friendship can never be a one sided relationship.
a friend is someone who should always be there for you, care about you, make you laugh, and knows how to make you feel better when your down.
when a friendship ends or you grow apart from a friend, it can hurt almost more than anything. like a non romantic "break up". it sucks.
A absolutely loyal person.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Harry Potter Pick Up Lines
Are you a dementor? Because you just took my breath away.
You know, the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I think it's because like Godric Gryffindor himself, I too have an impressive sword.
I'm just like Oliver Wood, baby... i'm a KEEPER.
One night with me and they'll be calling you MOANING Myrtle.
Did you survive Avada Kedavra? 'Cause you're drop dead gorgeous.
I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets
Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?
Without you I feel like I'm in Azkaban and dementors are sucking away my soul.
Cho Chang? More like Cha-Ching! Cause I just hit the jackpot.
if I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together.
You know, the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I think it's because like Godric Gryffindor himself, I too have an impressive sword.
I'm just like Oliver Wood, baby... i'm a KEEPER.
One night with me and they'll be calling you MOANING Myrtle.
Did you survive Avada Kedavra? 'Cause you're drop dead gorgeous.
I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets
Are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?
Without you I feel like I'm in Azkaban and dementors are sucking away my soul.
Cho Chang? More like Cha-Ching! Cause I just hit the jackpot.
if I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Bible Verses 2
Psalm 31:9-16 (New International Version)
9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction, [a]
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
***
Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
***
"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22
***
"We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves." Romans 15:1
***
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5
***
Isaiah 57:21 "There is no peace," says my God, "for the wicked."
***
Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.
***
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
***
James 1:2-7
Trials and Temptations
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;
***
Luke 6:27-30
27"But I say to you who hear, (A)love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
28bless those who curse you, (B)pray for those who mistreat you.
***
Acts 13:10
"You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery. Will you never stop perverting the right ways of the Lord?
***
1 Timothy 1:5
The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith"
***
Jermiah 29:11-12 NLT
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
***
John 3:21
But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God
***
Proverbs 31:8-9
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.
***
James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
***
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
***
Psalm 141
A psalm of David.
1 O LORD, I call to you; come quickly to me.
Hear my voice when I call to you.
2 May my prayer be set before you like incense;
may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.
3 Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD;
keep watch over the door of my lips.
4 Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,
to take part in wicked deeds
with men who are evildoers;
let me not eat of their delicacies.
***
Matthew 6:34
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.
***
Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
***
Psalm 142:4
Look to the right and see; For there is no one who regards me; There is no escape for me; No one cares for my soul.
***
Isaiah 40:31
But those who hope in the LORD
Will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint.
***
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
For it is the wellspring of life.
9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction, [a]
and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."
15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
***
Psalm 13
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
***
"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22
***
"We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves." Romans 15:1
***
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:5
***
Isaiah 57:21 "There is no peace," says my God, "for the wicked."
***
Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.
***
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
***
James 1:2-7
Trials and Temptations
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;
***
Luke 6:27-30
27"But I say to you who hear, (A)love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
28bless those who curse you, (B)pray for those who mistreat you.
***
Acts 13:10
"You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery. Will you never stop perverting the right ways of the Lord?
***
1 Timothy 1:5
The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith"
***
Jermiah 29:11-12 NLT
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
***
John 3:21
But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God
***
Proverbs 31:8-9
Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.
***
James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
***
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
***
Psalm 141
A psalm of David.
1 O LORD, I call to you; come quickly to me.
Hear my voice when I call to you.
2 May my prayer be set before you like incense;
may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.
3 Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD;
keep watch over the door of my lips.
4 Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,
to take part in wicked deeds
with men who are evildoers;
let me not eat of their delicacies.
***
Matthew 6:34
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.
***
Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
***
Psalm 142:4
Look to the right and see; For there is no one who regards me; There is no escape for me; No one cares for my soul.
***
Isaiah 40:31
But those who hope in the LORD
Will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
They will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint.
***
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
For it is the wellspring of life.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Rough Draft Of Ideas For Next Blog.
Reciprocation of good deeds.
Over welcoming / over staying people at places.
Feelings that I am becoming a freeloader.
Self gratitude.
Trying to have a friendship without trying too hard.
Obsessive compulsive issues.
Not making eye contact, being anxious and worried, no self confidence.
Walking out of the room and not coming back in for long periods of time.
My relationship level with BJS.
My pursuit of happiness.
Computer taunts me to do things.
Car rides on Monday nights.
4th of July going off in my head.
"is finally realizing that I can't rely on PEOPLE to fill my needs... only God can truly fill me. I've heard this a million times, but I think it's finally hit me.... oh Lord, I need to let go."
Over welcoming / over staying people at places.
Feelings that I am becoming a freeloader.
Self gratitude.
Trying to have a friendship without trying too hard.
Obsessive compulsive issues.
Not making eye contact, being anxious and worried, no self confidence.
Walking out of the room and not coming back in for long periods of time.
My relationship level with BJS.
My pursuit of happiness.
Computer taunts me to do things.
Car rides on Monday nights.
4th of July going off in my head.
"is finally realizing that I can't rely on PEOPLE to fill my needs... only God can truly fill me. I've heard this a million times, but I think it's finally hit me.... oh Lord, I need to let go."
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
EMOTION.
*The title is named after the song "Emotion" by: Calendar For Preston.*
I'm having a midlife crisis and I don't like it. This is my story.
Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt that you just could not do something? What about a time when you felt you weren't doing enough to make the "good friend" status? And have you felt like you have been getting signs from god to exclude yourself from certain things, to the extent that other people will do it for you? I think that I have been getting that all week due to me getting up for a minute or two and coming back to find out that some stranger takes my seat, right there in front of me leaving me aggravated and discouraged.
I feel certain friends are really not that thrilled to talk to me anymore. I feel some people are trying to ignore me like skipping my seat when handing out things. Also people tend to ignore my talking to myself a lot. I try to keep talking as much as I can because I don't want any awkward silences. I don't want to confront them because I know are relationships are perfectly fine. I know my friends are there for me and I want to be there for them. I was one of their first friends, I have made them friends with my other friends on facebook and in person. When I see a wall post that people were clearly hanging out and not inviting me I get depressed, and then I think that it is okay, but I should have tried harder to invite them to hang out, it always seems to be on a Tuesday, when I have a long day at school and am too tired to do most of the things I usually do. I rush to eat dinner and then that slows me down because I have to work off the calories later after I digest. I feel fat, overweight, and occasionally out of shape. Next week I will try again and see how it goes. I've been feeling self conscious about myself being weird around people weather its walking around or trying to constantly sit next to them. I feel like I can be a creep sometimes.
Another example would be that I feel the need to talk to people about my feelings and other problems and others don't have time to listen. I still would like to talk to someone about my issues and so far my friend *M* is the only one I really had a chance to tell. Many people know that I am having trouble with my life, one of them is my friend *R* because he is also going through a tough time. These past two months I have been seeing people break up and get themselves into situations where they don't want to be. I feel what they are going through and it hurts me a lot. I've been kinda "meh" all week.
*I lost my train of thought right about here* *If anything else comes to mind I'll add it later*
I'm also not doing well in school.
Weather has been nice all week.
I did not miss the bus this week.
My vision seems to be working.
I got to visit ESL cafe today.
Some of my good friends from Thrive / school that I haven't seen in a while came to Thrive Monday night.
I got to tell the girl I like how I felt about her.
I haven't gotten sick for a while
I have been provided many resources.
I enjoyed writing this blog. Now I feel a little better.
I'm having a midlife crisis and I don't like it. This is my story.
Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt that you just could not do something? What about a time when you felt you weren't doing enough to make the "good friend" status? And have you felt like you have been getting signs from god to exclude yourself from certain things, to the extent that other people will do it for you? I think that I have been getting that all week due to me getting up for a minute or two and coming back to find out that some stranger takes my seat, right there in front of me leaving me aggravated and discouraged.
I feel certain friends are really not that thrilled to talk to me anymore. I feel some people are trying to ignore me like skipping my seat when handing out things. Also people tend to ignore my talking to myself a lot. I try to keep talking as much as I can because I don't want any awkward silences. I don't want to confront them because I know are relationships are perfectly fine. I know my friends are there for me and I want to be there for them. I was one of their first friends, I have made them friends with my other friends on facebook and in person. When I see a wall post that people were clearly hanging out and not inviting me I get depressed, and then I think that it is okay, but I should have tried harder to invite them to hang out, it always seems to be on a Tuesday, when I have a long day at school and am too tired to do most of the things I usually do. I rush to eat dinner and then that slows me down because I have to work off the calories later after I digest. I feel fat, overweight, and occasionally out of shape. Next week I will try again and see how it goes. I've been feeling self conscious about myself being weird around people weather its walking around or trying to constantly sit next to them. I feel like I can be a creep sometimes.
Another example would be that I feel the need to talk to people about my feelings and other problems and others don't have time to listen. I still would like to talk to someone about my issues and so far my friend *M* is the only one I really had a chance to tell. Many people know that I am having trouble with my life, one of them is my friend *R* because he is also going through a tough time. These past two months I have been seeing people break up and get themselves into situations where they don't want to be. I feel what they are going through and it hurts me a lot. I've been kinda "meh" all week.
*I lost my train of thought right about here* *If anything else comes to mind I'll add it later*
I'm also not doing well in school.
Weather has been nice all week.
I did not miss the bus this week.
My vision seems to be working.
I got to visit ESL cafe today.
Some of my good friends from Thrive / school that I haven't seen in a while came to Thrive Monday night.
I got to tell the girl I like how I felt about her.
I haven't gotten sick for a while
I have been provided many resources.
I enjoyed writing this blog. Now I feel a little better.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Unwritten.
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Monday, January 11, 2010
Extras - Boring Thoughs.
Israeli Airport Departure - The line went quicker than I though, security screening was very easy, No funny questions this time. I emptied out my water and said my goodbyes. Our staff was Ohad, Mierav, Erica, and Alicia
I ate a McDonald's spicy chicken sandwich, side of fries and a coke. I jew'd 62 Shekels from my friends. I ate with Marisa, Bree and David. I bought sanitizer and bamba with extra money.
Life is almost back to the usual now but I still feel depressed and in pain from hitting the emotional wall at the airport. Some memories of people are in my mind and they are stuck in there almost permenatly. Nothing could penetrate my brain's memory from them. I cannot be broken! I must be strong and keep it together..., it should not effect me so negatively.
I really should have taken more pics with the people I hung out with. Eventually they will upload the rest of the pics they took of us and themselves. It would be awesome if we could meet up again some day. It's realistic, NY, NJ are only a day away. We just need to find a good time and place. As for the Vanderbilt people in Tennessee and the people in Arizona, California and other places not on the same coast I probably won't ever get to see them in person again. I may facebook them once or twice but other than the few people I've been contacting I think I'm going to lose touch with everyone else.
Random fact: Me & Marissa along with part of the group quoted Borat a lot.
I ate a McDonald's spicy chicken sandwich, side of fries and a coke. I jew'd 62 Shekels from my friends. I ate with Marisa, Bree and David. I bought sanitizer and bamba with extra money.
Life is almost back to the usual now but I still feel depressed and in pain from hitting the emotional wall at the airport. Some memories of people are in my mind and they are stuck in there almost permenatly. Nothing could penetrate my brain's memory from them. I cannot be broken! I must be strong and keep it together..., it should not effect me so negatively.
I really should have taken more pics with the people I hung out with. Eventually they will upload the rest of the pics they took of us and themselves. It would be awesome if we could meet up again some day. It's realistic, NY, NJ are only a day away. We just need to find a good time and place. As for the Vanderbilt people in Tennessee and the people in Arizona, California and other places not on the same coast I probably won't ever get to see them in person again. I may facebook them once or twice but other than the few people I've been contacting I think I'm going to lose touch with everyone else.
Random fact: Me & Marissa along with part of the group quoted Borat a lot.
My Trip To Israel Part Three (Another Continuation)
That morning when we left the Marina hotel in Tel Aviv I felt like a king. I was rested and full of good Delicious food. I forget what we did here but the next thing we did on the list was "Mifgashim" after that we volunteered at a sink place somewhere near independence hall, our next stop on the list. After all that we went over to Jaffa and from there traveled south into the desert where we had an activity at the Bedouin tents. My experience with this was very hard. I was FREEZING all the time and had trouble finding our tent and seeing in the dark. I was impossible to shower because it was so cold, dirty and smelly and I would have caught hypothermia or something. I hadn't showered for three days so I smelled really nasty. At this point in the trip we had some Israeli solders join us. One half taught some self defense skills and the other taught army battle skills. They called it "Boot Camp". So we slept in tight places trying to get as much heat from the space heater inside the tent. Flashlights were going off everywhere. There were bonfires going on outside with many of the other Mayanot groups also attending the trip. We made smores and went to bed on thin mattresses without even pillows or blankets. I had to come up with an idea which was to wrap a sleeping bag into pillow form and use the other sleeping bag as a blanket. I was too unconscious to tell if I had slept or not. In the morning we rode camels. After, we had some breakfast with the other groups and then finally we got out of the cold hell zone.
We then went to Masada, the dead sea and other places headed towards Jerusalem. Once we got to our final hotel, the "Jerusalem Park Hotel" we got to sit through even more lectures like "The Gift of life" which was for donating bone marrow and "The David Project" where a big cool guy told us about terrorism on Arab TV. A third thing we did was watch a video on a solider named "Michael Levin" (There should be something from this somewhere on the internet). A few days later we visited Har Hertzel and visited many military graves. Michael's was covered in flowers and other love. He was a really special person.
Later on we traveled Jerusalem to places like Yad Vashem, the Jewish Quarter, some Jewish excavational places and the Holocaust museum which was the highlight of the day for me. The final thing we did in Jerusalem was visit Machane Yehuda (The Israeli market place in center city. My uncles have shops there. One has a cleaning supply shop and another has a clothing shop, My third uncle has a clothing shop as well but it was out of the way and it is only for woman's clothes. I got to hang out with my two favorite people Marisa and Breanne, two girls that were just perfect for me in every way. Gary and Erica were with us too at some point (I think) We had a day to spend at Machane Yehuda so we walked and talked and I was being a tour guide making myself useful. In the middle of our walk we got separated so me & Marisa stayed together. Let me tell you it felt sooooo good <3 <3 <3 We walked through the streets and even sat down for lunch together. We even held hands and held each other to be safe not to get hit by other cars. I honestly felt so close that I though I we were were a good couple (At least for the time being). And then I pondered to myself "I wonder if she is single" So I was trying to be conscious and not overdoing my love by doing any extremes. I kept it under control I think. We eventually reunited with the group and had tons of fun.
Back at the hotel we had shabbat dinner, a few more discussions, some "fambrengin" (I don't know what this was). At the end we did a map activity and said our thank yous to everyone publicly. We had a gift exchange. I got some candy for a guy named Jordan and he got me a shot glass but the original one broke so at JFK after we got off the plane he got me a new one. Saturday January 9th was our last day at the Hotel and in Israel on the trip. We could have chose to extend the trip for up to three months for $200 (I think) one or two people stayed in Israel but the majority of people flew back with the group like I did.
*** Skipping to the end, Past what we did in the Israeli Airport ***
The flight on the way back got us home 30 mins early. We landed around 5:30 at JFK. Before we landed I shared my pic with Marissa, Bree and David who were looking at it and picking out their favorites. I also gave them a gift of bamba and bracelets to put on their wrists. They thanked me and gave me hugs. When the plane landed I changed into my sweatpants and was almost the last on off because of it, also I was all the way in the back of the plane. I got off, went through the bridge thingy, got my stuff together and jolted as fast as I could to US customs where I was hoping to catch up with my group (Which I did) I cut the line a little bit to be with the group and nobody seemed to care. The line was long and I didn't feel like waiting or being separated without getting numbers or saying our final goodbyes. The line moved faster as we go closer to the front. I had to Jew off $5.00 from David to get a cart. My suitcase came very quickly and there were barely any people around the belt. We were out of there and separated within minutes. Everyone was gone, it sucked, I almost cried but as soon as I got home to my computer I felt much better. I was on my phone communicating with my dad, who I found very easily. I stepped outside with a t shirt and it was freezing out! I had to hang up the phone and put my jacket on. My dad was in terminal 4 section a. On the way out there was a traffic jam due to a retarded person clogging up the road by idling his car right in the middle. The rest is a boring 2 1/2 hour trip down the highway back home. I was an emotional mess and a disaster. Tears were coming out my eyes and I didn't feel good at all. (Again) I felt better as soon as I got home to my computer. When I got home I took my bags in, did the laundry, got online, ate, went to the bathroom, unpacked, filtered out the trash and then caught up online. Later I went to sleep until 4:00 AM and then went to type this blog. It was a lot of fun. I miss everyone. Facebook sometimes just doesn't do en enough for me sometimes. I have reached out to 50 + people that I have met here. I am expanding that to AIM and Skype. I have a webcam and a microphone and I would really like to put some use into it.
We then went to Masada, the dead sea and other places headed towards Jerusalem. Once we got to our final hotel, the "Jerusalem Park Hotel" we got to sit through even more lectures like "The Gift of life" which was for donating bone marrow and "The David Project" where a big cool guy told us about terrorism on Arab TV. A third thing we did was watch a video on a solider named "Michael Levin" (There should be something from this somewhere on the internet). A few days later we visited Har Hertzel and visited many military graves. Michael's was covered in flowers and other love. He was a really special person.
Later on we traveled Jerusalem to places like Yad Vashem, the Jewish Quarter, some Jewish excavational places and the Holocaust museum which was the highlight of the day for me. The final thing we did in Jerusalem was visit Machane Yehuda (The Israeli market place in center city. My uncles have shops there. One has a cleaning supply shop and another has a clothing shop, My third uncle has a clothing shop as well but it was out of the way and it is only for woman's clothes. I got to hang out with my two favorite people Marisa and Breanne, two girls that were just perfect for me in every way. Gary and Erica were with us too at some point (I think) We had a day to spend at Machane Yehuda so we walked and talked and I was being a tour guide making myself useful. In the middle of our walk we got separated so me & Marisa stayed together. Let me tell you it felt sooooo good <3 <3 <3 We walked through the streets and even sat down for lunch together. We even held hands and held each other to be safe not to get hit by other cars. I honestly felt so close that I though I we were were a good couple (At least for the time being). And then I pondered to myself "I wonder if she is single" So I was trying to be conscious and not overdoing my love by doing any extremes. I kept it under control I think. We eventually reunited with the group and had tons of fun.
Back at the hotel we had shabbat dinner, a few more discussions, some "fambrengin" (I don't know what this was). At the end we did a map activity and said our thank yous to everyone publicly. We had a gift exchange. I got some candy for a guy named Jordan and he got me a shot glass but the original one broke so at JFK after we got off the plane he got me a new one. Saturday January 9th was our last day at the Hotel and in Israel on the trip. We could have chose to extend the trip for up to three months for $200 (I think) one or two people stayed in Israel but the majority of people flew back with the group like I did.
*** Skipping to the end, Past what we did in the Israeli Airport ***
The flight on the way back got us home 30 mins early. We landed around 5:30 at JFK. Before we landed I shared my pic with Marissa, Bree and David who were looking at it and picking out their favorites. I also gave them a gift of bamba and bracelets to put on their wrists. They thanked me and gave me hugs. When the plane landed I changed into my sweatpants and was almost the last on off because of it, also I was all the way in the back of the plane. I got off, went through the bridge thingy, got my stuff together and jolted as fast as I could to US customs where I was hoping to catch up with my group (Which I did) I cut the line a little bit to be with the group and nobody seemed to care. The line was long and I didn't feel like waiting or being separated without getting numbers or saying our final goodbyes. The line moved faster as we go closer to the front. I had to Jew off $5.00 from David to get a cart. My suitcase came very quickly and there were barely any people around the belt. We were out of there and separated within minutes. Everyone was gone, it sucked, I almost cried but as soon as I got home to my computer I felt much better. I was on my phone communicating with my dad, who I found very easily. I stepped outside with a t shirt and it was freezing out! I had to hang up the phone and put my jacket on. My dad was in terminal 4 section a. On the way out there was a traffic jam due to a retarded person clogging up the road by idling his car right in the middle. The rest is a boring 2 1/2 hour trip down the highway back home. I was an emotional mess and a disaster. Tears were coming out my eyes and I didn't feel good at all. (Again) I felt better as soon as I got home to my computer. When I got home I took my bags in, did the laundry, got online, ate, went to the bathroom, unpacked, filtered out the trash and then caught up online. Later I went to sleep until 4:00 AM and then went to type this blog. It was a lot of fun. I miss everyone. Facebook sometimes just doesn't do en enough for me sometimes. I have reached out to 50 + people that I have met here. I am expanding that to AIM and Skype. I have a webcam and a microphone and I would really like to put some use into it.
My Trip To Israel Part Two (Continuation)
After baggage claim I could not find or identify anyone from out trip so I went to fill up my water and went to the bathroom which was on the side and secluded from the rest of the airport. After a few minutes I decided just to leave and hoping there would be someone with a sign with our group name on it and indeed there were two people. I was the first one out of there to meet up with them. A short time later more and more people began to come out and find us. In total we were about 40 people give or take (People met us there). As we reunited we exited to a special place for the buses to get our Israeli cell phones and to unpack our suitcases into the bus. After we let all of out stuff go we were greeted by one of the staff there. We had some lunch and got our name tags at orientation. We got back on the bus and traveled up north. On the bus I met Yakir, our safety and first aid person.
I thought we would start out at the hotel and rest but I was wrong. We went directly from the airport to some place in the woods where we sat around and stared off of a mountain, in a circle again. I forget what this place was called and it is not listed on the itinerary card that I am currently looking at. Either way, we were in the woods traveling to new places inside. We started in a circle as usual and had some alcohol to drink. The place we went to had many flies and a whole lotta mud. The whole group was forced to step into the mud and all of our shoes became brown and dirty, which sucked. We tried very hard to clean the mud off but it was like a hard clay in layers at the bottoms of our shows. All I remember is moving rocks and planting trees. As we left everyone was in the bathrooms clearing off the mud with water and paper towels. It took me a while to get mine clean and we left the floor a brown and muddy mess. I was nasty and smelled really bad. Some of the mud was carried on to the bus and it stayed there for most of the trip.
I usually sat in the front of the bus with Yakir and then a very cute girl named Marissa sat next to me (;. I opened up to her a little more every time and eventually we became best friends (From my point of view). I liked her more and more. I'll probably go on about that later. Later she moved over one seat, or to the back and a guy named Gary sat next to me despite all my stuff and Chelsea's stuff were taking up space on the seat leaving almost none for anyone. Also two girls named Claudia and Chelsea sat next to me because the back was no longer a good place for them.
After we left that place we went further north to "Arbel lookout" which was a big mountainous area. After we got done we were finally going to the hotel and we got to see what it looks like. We stayed at "Ohalo Manor" which was in the middle of nowhere and not very fancy (At least the rooms we were in)... I got to room with Gordy and Ryan who always were cool and brought the drinks and the girls over to our room [-=. The room wasn't too clean but it was liveable, at least temporarily. The only good part of the hotel were the food and cafeteria. We were there for a few days listening to series of lectures and activities from the Rabbi and staff. I didn't like that place very much at all. At night time we went out to "Big Ben" a bar in Tiberas. People smoked and got "Shitfaced" / hammered/ drunk.etc. One person got very drunk, pissed of some people and eventually got kicked off of the trip (on the first day) I left early to get to bed. The keys at this place were unusual, we only had one key and had to keep asking each other for it. There was also a card on it to control the power of the room which I have never seen before.
The next day we traveled to Tzfat, then we got ready for shabbat. We had some prayer services then and not a lot of free time. They would not let me opt out even though I was falling a sleep and not feeling well at the time. On Saturday night after Shabbat, We went out to Tzfat again for dinner and fun. Sunday we went out jeeping and visited the borders of Lebanon and Jordan. Jeeping was very exciting and fun for everyone. Sunday night we went out to Tel Aviv at Rabin square to go to another bar which I didn't even make it into for more than two minutes. The music was loud, people were drunk, high and very smelly so I got out of there and took a cab with Erica (one of the staff) as soon as I could. We went back to the hotel and I explored and went on to the internet kiosk to see what was going online. We only stayed there for one night but it was the best, more luxurious hotel I have been into. A nice view, edible food, very nice people, clean and in a very good location. It was in walkable distance from the beach.
Part Three Is In The Next Blog
I thought we would start out at the hotel and rest but I was wrong. We went directly from the airport to some place in the woods where we sat around and stared off of a mountain, in a circle again. I forget what this place was called and it is not listed on the itinerary card that I am currently looking at. Either way, we were in the woods traveling to new places inside. We started in a circle as usual and had some alcohol to drink. The place we went to had many flies and a whole lotta mud. The whole group was forced to step into the mud and all of our shoes became brown and dirty, which sucked. We tried very hard to clean the mud off but it was like a hard clay in layers at the bottoms of our shows. All I remember is moving rocks and planting trees. As we left everyone was in the bathrooms clearing off the mud with water and paper towels. It took me a while to get mine clean and we left the floor a brown and muddy mess. I was nasty and smelled really bad. Some of the mud was carried on to the bus and it stayed there for most of the trip.
I usually sat in the front of the bus with Yakir and then a very cute girl named Marissa sat next to me (;. I opened up to her a little more every time and eventually we became best friends (From my point of view). I liked her more and more. I'll probably go on about that later. Later she moved over one seat, or to the back and a guy named Gary sat next to me despite all my stuff and Chelsea's stuff were taking up space on the seat leaving almost none for anyone. Also two girls named Claudia and Chelsea sat next to me because the back was no longer a good place for them.
After we left that place we went further north to "Arbel lookout" which was a big mountainous area. After we got done we were finally going to the hotel and we got to see what it looks like. We stayed at "Ohalo Manor" which was in the middle of nowhere and not very fancy (At least the rooms we were in)... I got to room with Gordy and Ryan who always were cool and brought the drinks and the girls over to our room [-=. The room wasn't too clean but it was liveable, at least temporarily. The only good part of the hotel were the food and cafeteria. We were there for a few days listening to series of lectures and activities from the Rabbi and staff. I didn't like that place very much at all. At night time we went out to "Big Ben" a bar in Tiberas. People smoked and got "Shitfaced" / hammered/ drunk.etc. One person got very drunk, pissed of some people and eventually got kicked off of the trip (on the first day) I left early to get to bed. The keys at this place were unusual, we only had one key and had to keep asking each other for it. There was also a card on it to control the power of the room which I have never seen before.
The next day we traveled to Tzfat, then we got ready for shabbat. We had some prayer services then and not a lot of free time. They would not let me opt out even though I was falling a sleep and not feeling well at the time. On Saturday night after Shabbat, We went out to Tzfat again for dinner and fun. Sunday we went out jeeping and visited the borders of Lebanon and Jordan. Jeeping was very exciting and fun for everyone. Sunday night we went out to Tel Aviv at Rabin square to go to another bar which I didn't even make it into for more than two minutes. The music was loud, people were drunk, high and very smelly so I got out of there and took a cab with Erica (one of the staff) as soon as I could. We went back to the hotel and I explored and went on to the internet kiosk to see what was going online. We only stayed there for one night but it was the best, more luxurious hotel I have been into. A nice view, edible food, very nice people, clean and in a very good location. It was in walkable distance from the beach.
Part Three Is In The Next Blog
My Trip To Israel
This winter on December 30th 2009, one day before new years I left for the Newark airport bright and early in the morning. My purpose was to meet up with Jewish 18 - 22 year olds who has also signed up for the 09 - 10 winter trip. The group was called "Taglit Birthright Israel" (http://www.facebook.com/TaglitBirthrightIsrael). We were all different people before and after the trip. Prior to the airport we all got a call from the Rabbi, he interviewed all of us over the phone one by one.
My experience signing up was a hassle and wasn't easy for me or my family to go through. I had to have spend at least 5 different phone conversations and 10 e mails back and forth from the group I signed up with. The toughest part was scanning all the pages of my passport and the interview with one of the representatives (Not the rabbi) which seemed like it took forever. I had mentioned to them that I lived in Israel for a year, they were unclear about my statement so I kept getting questions. Things like that put a bar in front of my trip and made a delay.
Once at the airport I mingled with one or two people that I thought were cool. After we got past the gate and security check we got into a big circle and introduced ourselves further. People started to make friends and become more social. However, I was being stubborn and excluded myself because I didn't think anyone would be interesting and I was very shy and anxious at the time, it was not easy.
So we got onto the plane and I was lucky enough to sit next to Dustin and Claudia who were two perfect people that I really enjoyed being with. One thing about that plane was that many of the TV's did not work, mine didn't work either so I had nothing to look at except for the movie "The Hangover" as a third wheel to Dustin's mac computer. I lend them my audio splitters because they needed an extra place to put their headphones so that they could share. I was in flying heaven <3 Most of the flight I just sat there without my glasses out and trying to zone out. During the middle of the flight the air around my seat was getting thin and I was getting a headache because of the lack of clean oxygen and claustrophobia. Luckily on this flight I had many peers to talk to and observe by walking by and giving them eye contact, in addition to that there was no obnoxiously loud crying from babies and the food was pretty good too. I had enough food and water to last me the whole flight. I got an isle seat but unfortunately I was right in front of the wing so I could not watch from the window which was three seats away. My vision was going blurrier and bad anyway so I just took my glasses off and felt the engine roar.
As we were landing I went to a window on the side of the plane to look over but all I could see were while clouds because we were still high in the air. When we landed EVERYONE had their blackberry's iphones and other fancy cell phones. They got text messages saying "welcome to Israel". I was surrounded by girls :D. So we got to the airport, went to get our passports stamped, went through customs and went to baggage claim to get our suitcases. I grabbed a free cart and put my heavy carry-ons on top because they were heavy and stopping my blood flow. There were many people there so it took a while to get a spot and to get my one suitcase. The belt went around many many times until I spotted my suitcase.
Part Two In The Next Blog To Keep This Short.
My experience signing up was a hassle and wasn't easy for me or my family to go through. I had to have spend at least 5 different phone conversations and 10 e mails back and forth from the group I signed up with. The toughest part was scanning all the pages of my passport and the interview with one of the representatives (Not the rabbi) which seemed like it took forever. I had mentioned to them that I lived in Israel for a year, they were unclear about my statement so I kept getting questions. Things like that put a bar in front of my trip and made a delay.
Once at the airport I mingled with one or two people that I thought were cool. After we got past the gate and security check we got into a big circle and introduced ourselves further. People started to make friends and become more social. However, I was being stubborn and excluded myself because I didn't think anyone would be interesting and I was very shy and anxious at the time, it was not easy.
So we got onto the plane and I was lucky enough to sit next to Dustin and Claudia who were two perfect people that I really enjoyed being with. One thing about that plane was that many of the TV's did not work, mine didn't work either so I had nothing to look at except for the movie "The Hangover" as a third wheel to Dustin's mac computer. I lend them my audio splitters because they needed an extra place to put their headphones so that they could share. I was in flying heaven <3 Most of the flight I just sat there without my glasses out and trying to zone out. During the middle of the flight the air around my seat was getting thin and I was getting a headache because of the lack of clean oxygen and claustrophobia. Luckily on this flight I had many peers to talk to and observe by walking by and giving them eye contact, in addition to that there was no obnoxiously loud crying from babies and the food was pretty good too. I had enough food and water to last me the whole flight. I got an isle seat but unfortunately I was right in front of the wing so I could not watch from the window which was three seats away. My vision was going blurrier and bad anyway so I just took my glasses off and felt the engine roar.
As we were landing I went to a window on the side of the plane to look over but all I could see were while clouds because we were still high in the air. When we landed EVERYONE had their blackberry's iphones and other fancy cell phones. They got text messages saying "welcome to Israel". I was surrounded by girls :D. So we got to the airport, went to get our passports stamped, went through customs and went to baggage claim to get our suitcases. I grabbed a free cart and put my heavy carry-ons on top because they were heavy and stopping my blood flow. There were many people there so it took a while to get a spot and to get my one suitcase. The belt went around many many times until I spotted my suitcase.
Part Two In The Next Blog To Keep This Short.
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