Part Two Anyone?

My life is still a mess. It is broken in so many pieces right now and it's making me absolutely miserable. These depressing feelings are not going away. I am unable to avoid thinking about them because there are demons constantly attacking me from all different sides. I got the chance to talk with at least four people and they all told me some good advice. They were not short talks either. The talks lasted at least 10 minutes total. I've been talking about this to everyone, making this situation extremely public because I can write more things that are better in this blog. If I send a facebook message, and want to edit something, un send it, or add more things to it, I simply would not be able to do that, also if I send it directly in the message, she may not want to read it right then and there so I post a link and it is her choice to read it or not. On this blog I can send copies to people and let the whole world know my feelings on just what is happening to me. I went ahead and went against myself, my own will, out to where she was just to make my self feel better because sometimes I write things, and then when I see her, they slightly get reset and I temporarily feel better. Generally I haven't actually felt good for months and months and my entire life is decaying into a form that nobody in a normal state of mind should even think about.
I'm usually quiet but today I was especially mute, even around the people I hang with at montco every single day. I spent the hours of 7:00 - 11:45 ish with her. When I went out to the park for community group I sat on the other side of the bench, looking at the scenery. I watched over the parking lot and the beautiful Forrest in the background. I was sitting there and meditating. I was like an outcast because I had excluded myself. When I got there I had to go make an emergency phone call to one of my friends just to notify him of her being there. I had eventually moved due to three people blowing smoke in my general direction. She was then in my vision and she noticed and adjusted her seat as well. As the sun went down and there was darkness everywhere I ran off to relieve myself and then I rejoined the group. After we all sped off, we went to Acme. I just disappeared there and went straight to her house the only way I knew how. Speeding up 309, which was a complete rush while my music was blasting. I was tearing up the road. I re joined the group at her house as they were making mac and cheese and chillin downstairs when I once again had to get up and walk around, this time, outside. I made a couple phone calls and came back in. Towards the end of the night we were a small group of only six people and then there was an elevated conversation about dinosaurs, dragons, behemoths, and leviathans. At some point in the night she blurted out her schedules, saying that she had a lot of free time. Now I know that for a fact. I never asked her on any occasion to hang out but I just might if our relationship can be patched up. When we were first friends, I think I asked / invited her to come over for dinner or just hang out with me but that never happened. I have A LOT of free time as well and I would LOVE to hang out with her, or anyone in general because it beats sitting at home alone or just not doing anything at all. Her house and mine are not too far away from each other and generally other than Monday's and Wednesdays I have my dad's car to take. At the very end of the night, I purposely was the last one out because I finally felt the need to absolutely tell her that we needed to meet. As I was getting ready to leave I asked God for confidence and courage to go up and confront her. I prayed and I had received strength. I don't know how she took that but I brought it up to her attention myself, I'm not sure if my friends brought it up so I had to take this matter into my own hands and try to do something that I thought was right to take care of the things that were going on. I've felt this calling from God for a good few weeks and I really wanted to get it off my chest. So that is what happened for the second part of my day. My friend said that writing these things about her obsessively is really disturbing and irritating to her. I hope that it is not. I don't want to make trouble for any of us. I still have respect for her, and I think that she does to me as well. I just want to be a close friend, NOT to be a couple. She made that clear to me, and I took it.

My emotions are still bottled up at the moment. That fuse has been lit and could explode at any given time. Some of it came out last night after I walked out the door and it was very audible. I drove home in silence, thinking.

This song below is really good right now.