This is one of those things that I write that I don't realize what I am doing to the person, until I see them in person. I'm writing this now because, apparently my mind and I have some more things to say, and probably won't be able to do it at CG because I barely say anything there, or do anything other than stare at the people across from me, or the floor. I also need time to express myself, privately this time. I wanted to make sure the whole thing was readable. Ben's house isn't really a good place to discuss this. I don't intend for this to be a stab in the back or anything, I don't know if I should even send this at all.
I am once again hiding behind my keyboard. I apologize if this is absolutely against the guidelines.
So I have been thinking a lot since we talked on Monday night... I took many of the things we discussed to heart and have been trying not to bring myself down so much to a point that I can't do anything. I'm trying not to hang my head either. I disappoint myself quite a lot. I've been thinking about how to message you but I never got around to it. I didn't send anything because I had looked at some pictures of you (which are in many of the places I go to on face book), and they caused me to change my story over and over. The thoughts and the feelings I have come and go from day to day, especially when I am alone. I've been working on reducing that. At some points in the day I forget about everything (including other things not related to you) and my mind is completely clear. In the blog posts that I wrote, I wrote some things down, they were on my mind at that point and I really did not realize the effect we talked on Monday night.
I did go to God at least one time every day. I've been looking thorough the bible for myself each day looking for good verses, however, I used google or other peoples words to write the essay, which was that first blog that I wrote. I asked him to lift my spirits and to let the devil free from me like in James 4:7, and so far it has been working. God is good. I've been keeping myself together, strong, and trying to keep me mental health stable (not going psycho). I am much better than I was last week, I was completely miserable then and my body language, and facial expressions were telling the story as I left your house that thursday night. I was a complete mess.
The only clear thought of you, that I can think of was when 8675309 came into my mind. Google that and look at the second result.
***
I don't want to be messaging you too often, or having too many talks. I'm not trying to manipulate you to talk to me or to secretly do anything. Neither of us want to control each others lives either. That one time needed to be done. Some times I need to let things happen so that I can learn from my many many mistakes. Sometimes I fail to see that, I can be oblivious to things that I do to myself, and to others. It's hard for me to understand things, even when it is in my head already or if I've been told many times.
I want to say sincere apologies in advance for the things that may happen in the future. I hope that I won't cross that line in the sand. I never intended to cause you any trouble or negativity. I did not want to make you feel what I felt. I have a kind, loving, gentle heart. I can go over the limit a lot. I'm not that kind of person to hate or make people suffer by punishing them for things that they really did not do. My mind is a very powerful thing. If I only pursue what I needed to go after instead of what I shouldn't, I would have a better life, being more happy and successful. Life is tough. Every single day. I think I have most of my situations under control. If you have any other issues with me bring them up to me, or someone else like Josiah and they can tell me. You can talk to me thorough them. I get extremely nervous when I see you, and my heart rate goes way up. I told you Monday that I was shaking, cold, and that my adrenaline was pumping. That happens every so often when you are in the room.
It takes time to regain people's trust, if this message went against it, or I really made the situation much worse, I don't like people to feel bad because of the things I write to them. However long it takes, I am willing to go the distance. I think people are fed up with the things I posted last week, over facebook. I wrote those things on paper, that I wrote in addition to the new crazy statuses.
(http://www.openbible.info/topics/envy) had a lot of verses about Envy, and jealousy, two of the feelings I have. Jealousy will rot the soul away. In Psalm 119:175 it talks about the soul, and letting it live. Some times I wonder if I even have a soul. I've done far worse things and had thoughts that should probably never be spoken of, or brought up. I asked God to let my soul live and for forgiveness and peace and I think that my prayers have been answered.
Anyways, If I can get my work done, get the car, and you are coming to Ben's for CG, I will see you there. Don't worry about me "Keying" or vandalizing your car, or anyone else's. Those thoughts were for me but they came out of my mouth when we spoke. I cared about you that much that I even told you about the mark on your fridge and mostly everything I could think of.
Maybe a break would me nice, it was suggested to me by a few people. But I get bored, and lonely and that is the time that those thoughts tend to drift back into my head.
Have a nice rest of the day!
God Bless!
I am once again hiding behind my keyboard. I apologize if this is absolutely against the guidelines.
So I have been thinking a lot since we talked on Monday night... I took many of the things we discussed to heart and have been trying not to bring myself down so much to a point that I can't do anything. I'm trying not to hang my head either. I disappoint myself quite a lot. I've been thinking about how to message you but I never got around to it. I didn't send anything because I had looked at some pictures of you (which are in many of the places I go to on face book), and they caused me to change my story over and over. The thoughts and the feelings I have come and go from day to day, especially when I am alone. I've been working on reducing that. At some points in the day I forget about everything (including other things not related to you) and my mind is completely clear. In the blog posts that I wrote, I wrote some things down, they were on my mind at that point and I really did not realize the effect we talked on Monday night.
I did go to God at least one time every day. I've been looking thorough the bible for myself each day looking for good verses, however, I used google or other peoples words to write the essay, which was that first blog that I wrote. I asked him to lift my spirits and to let the devil free from me like in James 4:7, and so far it has been working. God is good. I've been keeping myself together, strong, and trying to keep me mental health stable (not going psycho). I am much better than I was last week, I was completely miserable then and my body language, and facial expressions were telling the story as I left your house that thursday night. I was a complete mess.
The only clear thought of you, that I can think of was when 8675309 came into my mind. Google that and look at the second result.
***
I don't want to be messaging you too often, or having too many talks. I'm not trying to manipulate you to talk to me or to secretly do anything. Neither of us want to control each others lives either. That one time needed to be done. Some times I need to let things happen so that I can learn from my many many mistakes. Sometimes I fail to see that, I can be oblivious to things that I do to myself, and to others. It's hard for me to understand things, even when it is in my head already or if I've been told many times.
I want to say sincere apologies in advance for the things that may happen in the future. I hope that I won't cross that line in the sand. I never intended to cause you any trouble or negativity. I did not want to make you feel what I felt. I have a kind, loving, gentle heart. I can go over the limit a lot. I'm not that kind of person to hate or make people suffer by punishing them for things that they really did not do. My mind is a very powerful thing. If I only pursue what I needed to go after instead of what I shouldn't, I would have a better life, being more happy and successful. Life is tough. Every single day. I think I have most of my situations under control. If you have any other issues with me bring them up to me, or someone else like Josiah and they can tell me. You can talk to me thorough them. I get extremely nervous when I see you, and my heart rate goes way up. I told you Monday that I was shaking, cold, and that my adrenaline was pumping. That happens every so often when you are in the room.
It takes time to regain people's trust, if this message went against it, or I really made the situation much worse, I don't like people to feel bad because of the things I write to them. However long it takes, I am willing to go the distance. I think people are fed up with the things I posted last week, over facebook. I wrote those things on paper, that I wrote in addition to the new crazy statuses.
(http://www.openbible.info/topics/envy) had a lot of verses about Envy, and jealousy, two of the feelings I have. Jealousy will rot the soul away. In Psalm 119:175 it talks about the soul, and letting it live. Some times I wonder if I even have a soul. I've done far worse things and had thoughts that should probably never be spoken of, or brought up. I asked God to let my soul live and for forgiveness and peace and I think that my prayers have been answered.
Anyways, If I can get my work done, get the car, and you are coming to Ben's for CG, I will see you there. Don't worry about me "Keying" or vandalizing your car, or anyone else's. Those thoughts were for me but they came out of my mouth when we spoke. I cared about you that much that I even told you about the mark on your fridge and mostly everything I could think of.
Maybe a break would me nice, it was suggested to me by a few people. But I get bored, and lonely and that is the time that those thoughts tend to drift back into my head.
Have a nice rest of the day!
God Bless!
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