Disturbing Thoughts.

My mood has been manic all week, I've had chronic psychotic depression symptoms all week. I'm experiencing extreme OCD as well. I even starting waking up early on Sundays just so I can see people at the church right by my house. I am Jewish. I occasionally sit in for the service but, never find my friends until it is all over. After it's over I get to spend a few minutes with them until they leave. I've turned to the bible, and it's verses. She made me change subconsciously, without even knowing. I'm having extreme difficulty talking to the people I have turned away from. I'm stuck between a very painful rock and a hard place and I keep banging my head into it and it hurts, a lot. Luke 6:42 talks about blaming others, which is what I think I am doing, even though she is not doing anything I express anger and negativity whenever she is around. I'm apathetic, I have lost my feelings, and interest in her. My mind and spirit both break which leaves me crippled and feeling depressed for the rest of the day. Luke 27,28 talks about loving your enemies and to do good to those who hate you, it also says that in Matthew 5:44 ("But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.) She does not hate me yet as far as I am concerned. My guy friends actually care to tell me that they care and like having me around. I've never asked her since this conflict began between me, my alter ego, and the imaginary people fighting the war inside my brain. As soon as I forget about her God, or whatever seems to place things in front of me which remind me of her and there are a lot of things that trigger me to consciously have her on my mind.We used to be somewhat good friends, when we first met but then as She went on meeting other people, day by day we were growing apart from each other. I talked to my friends about her a lot, and this person knows only part of the story. I've been meaning to meet up with her and a few others. I never brought it up to her in person, rather, only via facebook message.I can no longer post on her wall, or see it at all and messages are all I can send, they are irreversible one the send button is clicked. She had a legit reason to take it off because I posted multiple posts there almost every day and then removed them in the end. Facebook has a setting to e mail you every time you get something in your inbox and that can get really irritating if it is from the same person every single time. I understood the fact that she said she wasn't going to be available for me 24 /7 on facebook. I reduced my posts but apparently something happened that she AND her sister took their walls completely off, therefore there has been no facebook communication between us, or any at all. I posted a disturbing video trying to explain myself there called "phone tag" and it came off as something very confusing that nobody seemed to know why I posted it. After that, I think she thought that I was becoming that when I meant to say "Please stop this from happening, this is going to happen". Throughout the years I have been labeled as a stalker type of person, I even made a blog / website about it back in my high school days. I asked one of my close friends to forward along that message so he can be with me and help me through this extremely difficult situation. I have to get up and walk away multiple times, strutting in anger to get away, storming out of the room, and I think people have noticed. It's gonna take more than just a hero, or prayer to fix all this, I need a miracle to save me from myself, and from hurting the others who I am close to. I don't want to end up like the Devil child in Acts 13:10. I know that she is not evil, she has not cursed me, or haunted me personally as many times as I thought, and neither did her house, which also tends to have an effect on me depending on my mood.Recently my friends and a few people had met but we didn't have time to cover everything. The three of us talked for at least an hour (or at least it felt like it). After that I became extremely passive aggressive with the people around me. I felt the situation that I had just escalated to a much higher level with more feelings, this time including anger, anxiousness, and agony. I hate waking up with a throbbing headache every single morning and not being able to do simple tasks like standing up, getting dressed, or even having a simple breakfast before I have to go schlep my feet to get to the bus station. Some days I really wish I could drive to school, or have a car to drive like most of my other friends so I can use my own schedule and not adjust to the stupid SEPTA schedule and constantly ask my friends for rides which is annoying. I need a car, a job and a wad of cash to fit my budget. I still live at home with my parents who I fight with almost every day which really is a buzz kill. I'm having problems most of the places I go anyway due to my personality. I still think about things that bring my mood down. I want to tell the source / sources of this problem but I don't want to bring them out from their happy mood down to a low level that they probably have never experienced before. I talked to one of my other friends Monday night and told him what was going on and he said they were giving me a big slap to the face in a way. When I think about that kind of stuff it makes me sick and almost want to vomit. I'm stuck in this loop until my manic depression goes and takes a 180, making me jump around and hyper.

To make matters worse, it is cold, dark. and it started to rain as we were outside today. Oy Vey.

History is repeating itself.

"Life can be a tedious treadmill. We find ourselves running and running and getting nowhere fast. A grueling rat race where even if you win you're still a rat – all of it leaves us wondering what it's all about and why we are working so hard with no meaningful, consequential reward."

*** TANGENT ***

I hate it when my friends don't answer my phone calls or call me back. Also, I don't have the text messaging service on my phone anymore so it makes it harder to communicate. My bill was unbelievable and was outstanding even to me, that I sent out that many messages. Whenever I'm around people most of them have their cool high tech cell phones out either texting or looking up things on their mobile web. I do that with my Ipod touch all the time but only where there is WiFi, that is unlocked, or usable with a password.