***WORD LIST***
Subdue, Slander, Audacity, Epistemology, Monotony, Assess
Grovel, Alleviate, Haphazard. Desperation, Squabble, Impeccable
Devastation, Hurt, Sick, Broken, Angry, Anxious, Truce, Extraneous
Agony, Pain, Suffering, Havoc, Depression, Antsy, Coward, Pessimist
Angst, Affirmation, Discomfort, Stress, Disorder, Projectile Vomit
Riveting, Abjection, Compromise, Solve, Solution, flippant, Ominous
Spite, Remorse, Conscientious, Petrified, Epidemic, Quivering
Narcissist, Pedestal, Circumstances, Inconspicuous, Eccentric
***Perpetrator, Belittle, Closure*** New Words 1-14-16
So recently I have had strong feelings for the issues that I'm having trouble letting go of. One of the feelings was Abjection where my teacher defined it as being attracted to something and then being repulsed by whatever it was that was the issue. My feelings have been mixed around like clothes in a super powered dryer, which could mean that my mood and feelings are like the tumble dry function, which makes my head spin around and around to a point where I get dizzy, confused, and I don't know what to do. My heart says one thing but my soul says something else, and I don't know who or what to follow anymore.
I've been seeking the truth and Affirmation in my own world, trying to see God's light show me what the world is trying to tell me but it has been tough to follow through with everything because there are so many things on my mind that I can't concentrate very well. Living the life that I don't want to be in, and that God doesn't want me to be in, is complete agony for me at some times because my feeling and emotions overpower me and I can't seem to fill the space in my head with something else that is better, and more positive for me. I've been consistently going out for walks and praying out loud trying to Heed his call and just thinking about my past, and future to see what God has done for me for the past 21 years. I'm not trying to impress anyone or do this for anyone, I am doing this for myself. My friend mentioned that my past does not define my future and there is a lot of truth to that.
Most of my feelings become Alleviated when I'm out with others, my close friends that I hang out with usually at least twice a week. Our group has been split up into two because it is so big, and we did it geographically. That makes one day less of the people who I like the most, talk the most, and are the most interesting people in the group that have mutual comfort with me and are easier to talk to. I know most of the people who are going to that group and the details of where they meet. God and myself are both saying that I should stay where I am because it is much closer and in a much safer place with easier parking and people that I can communicate with outside of the group meetings because I'm friends with them online, I have most of their numbers and, they are nearby so neither of us won't have to travel far to be able to meet up with each other for going to the park or simply having a informal lunch meeting.
I have a lot of Anxiety for my life, & my own well being, I've been like that long before these issues escalated. I worry about many things, when I am in the same place where I've had memories or interactions of things, or with these people that I didn't like, I worry about things being like that for long periods of time with no positive results whatsoever. At times I feel completely and utterly hopeless and just want to give up on everything and just let it go. If I want something from somewhere or have a goal to talk with someone I tend to not give up. If I can't talk to then in person there is always online for me, which usually ends up with me writing something that takes time with no response. Sending messages for me is much easier than talking in person because I can organize my thoughts and have them out in front of me in a somewhat more understandable way. I have time to think & edit which is really easy to do on a computer. It saves me from the feelings of failing to accomplish telling people what I want to say when I can't seem to step up to them without being accused of being a creepy stalker guy, I feel that way sometimes. Recently I've been having trouble with myself because I seem to be following people around, getting near them, walking past them, and not having words to say, and not opening my mouth. I just generally give them looks or make my way pacing back and forth in a way that they will see me. I don't do that to get attention so much as to try to interact with them, or observe what they are doing, carefully, from a distance, without making it completely obvious to anyone but that specific person or group of people. Its not that I can't talk to them but it is extremely difficult to walk up to a person and tell them how you feel, to their face... however, if you want better results, you should talk to that person in person so it's harder for them to ignore you and you make sure that they listen to what you have to say that is so important. Heart to heart conversations have been going on visibly between me & my friends and her & her friends (maybe not about the same things but its a heart to heart nonetheless which gets me worried and concerned) I think I Sowed (planted seeds for future growth) but I'm not sure if they will have enough food, water or sunlight to grow or develop into a beautiful creation of God. the way he intended it to be. By seeds I mean that the effort has been put forward, and by creation of God I'm trying to say that I want a good relationship that everyone can Attest to being good and agreeable on... (sorry if that was confusing). If I don't get friendship out of everyone it makes me feel depressed, my feelings or desperation to talk to those people are magnified and my overall mood just takes a steep, sharp, painful. nosedive.
I am capable of having the Audacity to do whatever I need to do to feel the right way for myself, with respecting others and their needs. I am fully capable of using my mind for great things, plans, or ideas. I have thoughts of doing things that are Immoral and unnecessary that will only get me into more trouble if I get caught doing it with proof or witnesses that can tell the stories if they want to prosecute me, which I have been coming very close to. It already happened once in my life and that was enough. There was a situation in high school where I blogged obsessively about an slightly older girl that I had interest in. I blogged about her quite a bit, she, her parents & some law officials had continuously read everything. As of today, there is yet another girl in the similar situation that I am pursuing a manageable friendship with, she's slightly younger than me, and is extremely nice, humble, modest, and giving to others. At some point I was a broken, sad, depressed, unhappy, hopeless man, who felt as he could do nothing to save himself. I had those feelings for a while but they went away, but they came back which made me feel like a useless person, and everything I did was flustering, and all my feeble attempts were Futile and Useless. I felt my heart was shattered at that point, and that I lost all of the shards, or puzzle pieces to fix or restore what friendship we had. Forgiveness is a slow process but in order for things to work out, both sides have to make a deal, agreement, or pact. It takes a long time but if we pray and trust in God, and let him take care of it, things will pan out and have good outcomes in the end. The situation I'm in has become very Discomforting for me & my friends, I think that most of them know more or less about it. I'm almost at a point to which I am groveling for help and advice from others, with prayer of course. I don't want to feel like a beggar asking for help or sympathy but that is what I feel that I am doing and being that kind of person. There is much Disorder and Chaos that I probably put myself in. I have been blaming it mostly on specific people that are like blame targets, or Scapegoats. I feel that I have Slandered her for things that she didn't necessarily do for reasons beyond belief, kinda like gossip. When you feel that the other person hates you and has Betrayed you by taking your closest friends away and making them into a 5 person clique, you tend to hate them too, and have negative feelings towards them. Basically, you turn them into an evil demon or monster who is out of destroy everything you have and making your life a living hell, without even knowing it. I was a very angry person when I was told that I would not be able to go out with my friends because she was gonna be there. I felt ruthless, unforgiving, aggressive anger towards her. Its really stressful and has not let me doing anything because that's all I can think about. My friend said that I have to push all those thoughts out, and fill the empty space in my head with something else. For example, if a boat had a hole in it, you should try to fix the hole first, before trying to take all the water out because eventually the water will make the boat sink. Its kinda like a wave where I have to push in one direction and prevent these thoughts from coming back and replace them with better things because if I don't, I will eventually fall down, or sink. I can't Subdue, or Suppress my feelings but I'm trying to cope with them. I've been avoiding this monster and I think things are stabilizing, at least for me. It has been making me sick, going from a very enraged person to a sad, sobbing, unhappy person who sheds tears and does not feel up to par. This is truly a Havoc for me, and my friends who have to constantly put up with whatever happens. I think that most of them are at their patience limit and they've had enough of it. I don't even know what can wash away all my sins and make me whole again, I mean sin had left a crimson stain, but he washed it white as snow. (I just quoted two songs there).
This is all for now. I used my word list for help here.
Subdue, Slander, Audacity, Epistemology, Monotony, Assess
Grovel, Alleviate, Haphazard. Desperation, Squabble, Impeccable
Devastation, Hurt, Sick, Broken, Angry, Anxious, Truce, Extraneous
Agony, Pain, Suffering, Havoc, Depression, Antsy, Coward, Pessimist
Angst, Affirmation, Discomfort, Stress, Disorder, Projectile Vomit
Riveting, Abjection, Compromise, Solve, Solution, flippant, Ominous
Spite, Remorse, Conscientious, Petrified, Epidemic, Quivering
Narcissist, Pedestal, Circumstances, Inconspicuous, Eccentric
***Perpetrator, Belittle, Closure*** New Words 1-14-16
So recently I have had strong feelings for the issues that I'm having trouble letting go of. One of the feelings was Abjection where my teacher defined it as being attracted to something and then being repulsed by whatever it was that was the issue. My feelings have been mixed around like clothes in a super powered dryer, which could mean that my mood and feelings are like the tumble dry function, which makes my head spin around and around to a point where I get dizzy, confused, and I don't know what to do. My heart says one thing but my soul says something else, and I don't know who or what to follow anymore.
I've been seeking the truth and Affirmation in my own world, trying to see God's light show me what the world is trying to tell me but it has been tough to follow through with everything because there are so many things on my mind that I can't concentrate very well. Living the life that I don't want to be in, and that God doesn't want me to be in, is complete agony for me at some times because my feeling and emotions overpower me and I can't seem to fill the space in my head with something else that is better, and more positive for me. I've been consistently going out for walks and praying out loud trying to Heed his call and just thinking about my past, and future to see what God has done for me for the past 21 years. I'm not trying to impress anyone or do this for anyone, I am doing this for myself. My friend mentioned that my past does not define my future and there is a lot of truth to that.
Most of my feelings become Alleviated when I'm out with others, my close friends that I hang out with usually at least twice a week. Our group has been split up into two because it is so big, and we did it geographically. That makes one day less of the people who I like the most, talk the most, and are the most interesting people in the group that have mutual comfort with me and are easier to talk to. I know most of the people who are going to that group and the details of where they meet. God and myself are both saying that I should stay where I am because it is much closer and in a much safer place with easier parking and people that I can communicate with outside of the group meetings because I'm friends with them online, I have most of their numbers and, they are nearby so neither of us won't have to travel far to be able to meet up with each other for going to the park or simply having a informal lunch meeting.
I have a lot of Anxiety for my life, & my own well being, I've been like that long before these issues escalated. I worry about many things, when I am in the same place where I've had memories or interactions of things, or with these people that I didn't like, I worry about things being like that for long periods of time with no positive results whatsoever. At times I feel completely and utterly hopeless and just want to give up on everything and just let it go. If I want something from somewhere or have a goal to talk with someone I tend to not give up. If I can't talk to then in person there is always online for me, which usually ends up with me writing something that takes time with no response. Sending messages for me is much easier than talking in person because I can organize my thoughts and have them out in front of me in a somewhat more understandable way. I have time to think & edit which is really easy to do on a computer. It saves me from the feelings of failing to accomplish telling people what I want to say when I can't seem to step up to them without being accused of being a creepy stalker guy, I feel that way sometimes. Recently I've been having trouble with myself because I seem to be following people around, getting near them, walking past them, and not having words to say, and not opening my mouth. I just generally give them looks or make my way pacing back and forth in a way that they will see me. I don't do that to get attention so much as to try to interact with them, or observe what they are doing, carefully, from a distance, without making it completely obvious to anyone but that specific person or group of people. Its not that I can't talk to them but it is extremely difficult to walk up to a person and tell them how you feel, to their face... however, if you want better results, you should talk to that person in person so it's harder for them to ignore you and you make sure that they listen to what you have to say that is so important. Heart to heart conversations have been going on visibly between me & my friends and her & her friends (maybe not about the same things but its a heart to heart nonetheless which gets me worried and concerned) I think I Sowed (planted seeds for future growth) but I'm not sure if they will have enough food, water or sunlight to grow or develop into a beautiful creation of God. the way he intended it to be. By seeds I mean that the effort has been put forward, and by creation of God I'm trying to say that I want a good relationship that everyone can Attest to being good and agreeable on... (sorry if that was confusing). If I don't get friendship out of everyone it makes me feel depressed, my feelings or desperation to talk to those people are magnified and my overall mood just takes a steep, sharp, painful. nosedive.
I am capable of having the Audacity to do whatever I need to do to feel the right way for myself, with respecting others and their needs. I am fully capable of using my mind for great things, plans, or ideas. I have thoughts of doing things that are Immoral and unnecessary that will only get me into more trouble if I get caught doing it with proof or witnesses that can tell the stories if they want to prosecute me, which I have been coming very close to. It already happened once in my life and that was enough. There was a situation in high school where I blogged obsessively about an slightly older girl that I had interest in. I blogged about her quite a bit, she, her parents & some law officials had continuously read everything. As of today, there is yet another girl in the similar situation that I am pursuing a manageable friendship with, she's slightly younger than me, and is extremely nice, humble, modest, and giving to others. At some point I was a broken, sad, depressed, unhappy, hopeless man, who felt as he could do nothing to save himself. I had those feelings for a while but they went away, but they came back which made me feel like a useless person, and everything I did was flustering, and all my feeble attempts were Futile and Useless. I felt my heart was shattered at that point, and that I lost all of the shards, or puzzle pieces to fix or restore what friendship we had. Forgiveness is a slow process but in order for things to work out, both sides have to make a deal, agreement, or pact. It takes a long time but if we pray and trust in God, and let him take care of it, things will pan out and have good outcomes in the end. The situation I'm in has become very Discomforting for me & my friends, I think that most of them know more or less about it. I'm almost at a point to which I am groveling for help and advice from others, with prayer of course. I don't want to feel like a beggar asking for help or sympathy but that is what I feel that I am doing and being that kind of person. There is much Disorder and Chaos that I probably put myself in. I have been blaming it mostly on specific people that are like blame targets, or Scapegoats. I feel that I have Slandered her for things that she didn't necessarily do for reasons beyond belief, kinda like gossip. When you feel that the other person hates you and has Betrayed you by taking your closest friends away and making them into a 5 person clique, you tend to hate them too, and have negative feelings towards them. Basically, you turn them into an evil demon or monster who is out of destroy everything you have and making your life a living hell, without even knowing it. I was a very angry person when I was told that I would not be able to go out with my friends because she was gonna be there. I felt ruthless, unforgiving, aggressive anger towards her. Its really stressful and has not let me doing anything because that's all I can think about. My friend said that I have to push all those thoughts out, and fill the empty space in my head with something else. For example, if a boat had a hole in it, you should try to fix the hole first, before trying to take all the water out because eventually the water will make the boat sink. Its kinda like a wave where I have to push in one direction and prevent these thoughts from coming back and replace them with better things because if I don't, I will eventually fall down, or sink. I can't Subdue, or Suppress my feelings but I'm trying to cope with them. I've been avoiding this monster and I think things are stabilizing, at least for me. It has been making me sick, going from a very enraged person to a sad, sobbing, unhappy person who sheds tears and does not feel up to par. This is truly a Havoc for me, and my friends who have to constantly put up with whatever happens. I think that most of them are at their patience limit and they've had enough of it. I don't even know what can wash away all my sins and make me whole again, I mean sin had left a crimson stain, but he washed it white as snow. (I just quoted two songs there).
This is all for now. I used my word list for help here.
1 comment:
I like those songs that you quoted.
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