EMOTION.

*The title is named after the song "Emotion" by: Calendar For Preston.*

I'm having a midlife crisis and I don't like it. This is my story.

Have you ever had a time in your life where you felt that you just could not do something? What about a time when you felt you weren't doing enough to make the "good friend" status? And have you felt like you have been getting signs from god to exclude yourself from certain things, to the extent that other people will do it for you? I think that I have been getting that all week due to me getting up for a minute or two and coming back to find out that some stranger takes my seat, right there in front of me leaving me aggravated and discouraged.

I feel certain friends are really not that thrilled to talk to me anymore. I feel some people are trying to ignore me like skipping my seat when handing out things. Also people tend to ignore my talking to myself a lot. I try to keep talking as much as I can because I don't want any awkward silences. I don't want to confront them because I know are relationships are perfectly fine. I know my friends are there for me and I want to be there for them. I was one of their first friends, I have made them friends with my other friends on facebook and in person. When I see a wall post that people were clearly hanging out and not inviting me I get depressed, and then I think that it is okay, but I should have tried harder to invite them to hang out, it always seems to be on a Tuesday, when I have a long day at school and am too tired to do most of the things I usually do. I rush to eat dinner and then that slows me down because I have to work off the calories later after I digest. I feel fat, overweight, and occasionally out of shape. Next week I will try again and see how it goes. I've been feeling self conscious about myself being weird around people weather its walking around or trying to constantly sit next to them. I feel like I can be a creep sometimes.

Another example would be that I feel the need to talk to people about my feelings and other problems and others don't have time to listen. I still would like to talk to someone about my issues and so far my friend *M* is the only one I really had a chance to tell. Many people know that I am having trouble with my life, one of them is my friend *R* because he is also going through a tough time. These past two months I have been seeing people break up and get themselves into situations where they don't want to be. I feel what they are going through and it hurts me a lot. I've been kinda "meh" all week.

*I lost my train of thought right about here* *If anything else comes to mind I'll add it later*

I'm also not doing well in school.
Weather has been nice all week.
I did not miss the bus this week.
My vision seems to be working.
I got to visit ESL cafe today.
Some of my good friends from Thrive / school that I haven't seen in a while came to Thrive Monday night.
I got to tell the girl I like how I felt about her.
I haven't gotten sick for a while
I have been provided many resources.

I enjoyed writing this blog. Now I feel a little better.