To whom it may concern, I
wanted to apologize for the things I have put you through I believe none of it
should have happened this way in the first place things have been happening
even before this incident between Katie and I. I feel I haven't had an
opportunity for an update of how our relationship has been I would like to sit
down and chat either Tuesday night or another night when people are free and
try to discuss my intentions and discuss how they affected different people
differently generally I am a nice person unless I am very upset or angry then
you will get the other side of Danny which is not good it is not really a good
self I guess you could say things have been going downhill since the night of
Steve's 30th birthday party the night that I went out in the rain and walked
Katie to her car which we could not find very easily and asked her out I
believe it went really well I said a lot of things she said a lot of things she
mentioned that she wants to be with herself right now because she's not looking
for a relationship and she previously was dating rich and even previously
before that she was it a relationship that I have no idea what it was about
plot I take it understood wasn't good from what I've heard her say indirectly I
understood that she does not want to date anyone especially people at
crossroads a few days later I was so upset and posting Facebook statuses and
pictures and other updates about love and relationships and how I was stressed
out and feeling down not mentioning any names or any specifics as I remember
but she saw them in the intelligent person that she is found out that they were
all connected and they were all about her so she felt uncomfortable and decided
to block me which has been a little bit of an issue for me because of the gaps
in the Facebook posts and now that more people are blocking me I see more gaps
in in the posts and I cannot read the full conversations which is annoying
sometimes if I really want to read the conversations I can most likely see them
from my alternate profile which is not a lot of the new people know about the
old people that I was friends with may remember but I'm not sure because I had
been friends with them on both profiles so I am pretty much open on whatever is
public over there so if I really need to see something I will
I meant to ask what that does for people I'm guessing they don't
want me to see their updates which really cuts me off and cut off all the
conversation topics we could have so are comfortable silence is not golden
instead they're just silences because none of us know what is going on in each
other’s lives and that makes it difficult to get to know somebody but there is
always the old fashion way of asking people face-to-face and really having
someone on one time with them but having Asperger’s in a little bit of social
anxiety it's not very easy to express myself or start a conversation with new
people or even people that I know and that's tough there are a lot of things
that I am afraid to do there are many things that I am holding back from saying
and doing and I might be missing out on some cool stuff because of that which
is unfortunate but having people not know all of that may come off as being
different and a little weird which we all are but we are family of accepting people
so we let everyone in without judgment with open arms and the love of the Lord
that love is not easy to feel when you have a pack of wild hyenas angry at you
for things that you think you did not do wrong or were not sinful as a Jewish
person we have different beliefs and different systems in our culture so most
of those things that they believe are not exactly relevant to me. But some of
the things are similar and they even make sense to me. Like Jaclyn Glenn's T
shirt says, "Logic" is the way to go, and she is an atheist.
And now a list of bad things that I have done or I feel others
have done to me. First things first I definitely idolize women and like women
and would like a girlfriend and I thought I may have found one in Katie as we
had similar interests grew up in the same area went to the same high school
both did I guess similar things before and after being in a group I can't think
of many specifics right now but all I know is that we thought life at some
point and that was really attractive to me also being you helps and attractive
body helps really turn on the magnetic charm for a while I thought she would
enjoy being in a relationship because I remember feeling that she led me on all
she may have not been doing that at all I was definitely giving her clear some
learns that I liked her more than a friend and I let people know on the side
and they help me get to the day that I actually asked my first girl out and it
was not easy but I did it I have broken the asking girl out virginity and it felt
great to overcome that and I felt like I could overcome more of these
situations with the help of my friend Josh and maybe a few others who helped
while this process was happening what made it worse was I also took a tumble on
the sidewalk my glasses fell I fell on my knees and hands and it was in the
rain all for hurrying up to get a card for the Dettera which was the restaurant
I was currently working for and I was hoping to take her out because a lot of
couples are going there and their food seemed really good and cheap and it was
a nice quiet place with lots of wine and a good variety of food and alcohol
anyone would like it although I did not like working there so much because
there was not much to do I think it would be enjoyable to go there and then walk
around town after because that was a good plan of mine I did not have any
backups that was the right thing that I could offer at the moment I had money I
had a car I had a decent job I had connections with her friends over there but
all of that did not help even my confidence boost did not help very much but I
got through it even though I was moping around in the car just vibing to
country music for hours at a time because she likes country music and I was
starting to listen to it again and listen to the songs and most of them had the
sea trend of love trucks and music and other country folk music but it was warm
in there was a sunbeam in the car so it also felt really great and enjoyable
and relaxing because I literally could not do anything else during that time I
couldn't do anything because I was depressed and anxious worried among other
emotions I was pretty much devastated for the first time in a while and then
month-to-month later it happen again but I didn't lose too much except for some
friendships which are really important to me now all we do is have meetings to
discuss how to fix this and how to take baby steps and do things comfortably so
both sides will be able to cope and express themselves in a comfortable orderly
fashion when the day comes when we actually do meet and chat. In no particular
order I need to start with Rich and Julz because they have been nothing but
patient with me and they've been putting up with my shit for a while and I
think our friendship would still be there which would be good mom after that I
would like to apologize to other people going up the ladder all the way to Mel
and eventually top person I want to apologize to which would be Katie. Tim and
Steve are definitely somewhere in the middle because I lie and they're still
not happy about that but they are my advocates and they are helping me through
the process as best they can even considering giving me words and better ways
to do things and how to be logical. We will be meeting one-on-one outside of
Tuesdays because I am not going to be attending due to broken relationships and
the ladies being uncomfortable and concerned with their safety because of all
this I am really not a violent person the most dangerous weapon I have is in my
mouth spoiler alert it is my tongue I don't chase people with knives or shoot
them with guns I don't poison peoples drinks or do anything crazy like that
anymore I have learned from that mistake and that anxiety attack that I will
not get anywhere from doing that then people will really be afraid. All this
from a few words in the parking lot of madmex and ongoing things that I have
been saying during group time that are frowned upon. I really want to talk and
tell her how I feel because the longer we are silent the longer we are procrastinating
and prolonging what is inevitable Tim says we might be closer friends after
that but I am not too sure because there is not much faith over on my end
I don't know why these
things are happening to me I not sure if this is just part of god’s plan or if
it is just a coincidence because life you should suck it to not be easy for
anybody and we should all be living in our own hell in our own sin for as long
as we all should live maybe there is a reason for all this happening besides
finding ourselves in getting to know who we really are maybe there is a growth
and wisdom to come of this and just general knowledge so we can live better
lives and know more. Rich said I was a good writer and I am I love to write I
use the journal on road trips at high school I wrote for the newspaper also I
write really good details and memories of everything from the day or the
experience that I can I don't know where those things are but they are in paper
form somewhere in the house my newer stuff is in my email or on my blog but
most of the newer stuff is about girls and stress and problems I've been having
just struggles in life I like reading back on those in remembering all the
things I have overcome and the experiences that I am ahead and maybe when I'm
gone one day someone will stumble upon it and maybe they will get something out
of it because I like people reading my stuff although nobody can find it on the
Internet besides the people I send it to not to sound too cocky but I think I
deserve some sort of prize for at least some of my writings because they are
that good they should go in the history Museum for relationships which will
probably be a thing one day. Aside from all of this my life is neutral and
seems as it is normally out and I can breathe I am working two jobs and making
an income which is good I have money for food or stuff I want to splurge on
it's not much but it's better than nothing it's a good distraction from all of
the bullshit in my life and it is productive as well so that is good my coworkers
are nice too and they will always lend an ear if I need them to. They
asked me if I have a girlfriend a lot and I just tell them no I don't need to
worry about that I haven't said anything about anybody through them besides
that but if they really want to know I guess I can tell them but I not sure if
I want to mix business and personal together because that might affect my job
in a negative way. One job provides me with money and my other job has provided
me with an iPhone 5s which I am using to speak out this email which is why it
is so long. I have been really tired the last few days because of all of the
work that I have done waking up early driving around cutting up stuff so I am
doing it this way plus my keyboard isn't exactly the best and isn't always
accurate so this microphone is really good is entire phone is very good and
fast it is on the Verizon network I can do everything I can with a regular
iPhone even though it is a work phone I mainly use it to tether the network
connection to my computer or iPod because our box turns off at 4 o'clock in the
afternoon because my parents set it up that way so this is my way around it.
Even though it may use a lot of data I don't think it's costing anyone anything
but I'm sure they will let me know because I am using it a lot and I am using
it more than my regular phone because it does almost everything except for
personal text messages but it does do that just from a different number. I will
look back and read this later and maybe we can filter some of this out and
gather what I already typed long ago that make one hybrid logical message
that's really clear and understandable with details and whatever else is
needed. I still think Julianna was the perpetrator here. But she was only
protecting her friend so she has reasons to do what she did. I wrote the word
be a little down in my dictionary I basically said that I did not want to
belittle Katie but I'm not sure of the context I was intending to write it in.
I'm sure I will find a way to put that in my dictionary of words and maybe I
will even add it to my old word list blog if it's not in there already and
updated for this situation because that was a learning experience and I really
enjoyed using big words that make me seem and feel smarter than I actually was.
All I need is an opportunity to present itself in an orderly fashion and we
will get business done and I will come back to the group and nobody will have
irrational fears or discomfort around me and we will go back to the way we were
or even better after we all understand each other some of us might be in a
hospital some of us might be dead but it all depends on what gets thrown where whether
it be fists shit hitting the fan or any other blunt objects being tossed
through the air Tossed Salad may even be included there if you know urban
dictionary lingo. Only time will tell and only God knows our fate. Whatever
will happen will happen and I will be ready to go when it does I will have all
of my supplies in my head it in words in my mouth maybe I will improvise to
sound genuine and speak from my heart not from my penis or my butt hole or out
of spite or anger hopefully it will go well and we will all survive either way
I left a dent on some people’s lives and they left a dent on mine I'm not sure
how long it will last but we shall see soon how everything goes in baby steps
comfortable baby steps where we won't stumble and fall and break or anything
bad like that. I think that is all for now goodbye.
I was not trying to scare anyone from doing anything but I guess
it was taken that way to people with new people like each other they can go
like each other I should not have said anything because that is not good that
makes people judge other people think differently I've gossiped two new people
about other new people in the group and make them feel uncomfortable I was only
trying to educate them so that nothing else would happen to lose their
lives like it happened to me but in the end it became worse and evolve and
mutilated into whatever we're today and now people are bad and it is
manifesting in their lives and mine slightly baby it was by Tourette's maybe it
was OCD but whatever I did I did not intentionally not with no intent or said
or did to hurt people or make anyone uncomfortable or scare anyone I'm just
saying that when a person likes another person they tend to talk about that
person spread the love about them even when they are not in the room but I
guess I came off too strong and misunderstood so this situation to play I love
people in a different way my heart is big but years or open my arms are open
but none of that matters at the moment all that matters is that our friend
chips come back together and everything goes back to normal and hopefully this
will not happen again I also learned not to ask stupid questions like if it is
a good idea to interrogate somebody's girlfriend because that is cryptic and
not good. Lots of apologies to go around I can't wait I am just kicking back
and relaxing until the day comes where I could jump back in and be my normal
self in the group. This too shall pass. One, does not simply come out of this
situation Scott free without scars bumps or bruises whether it be internal
or external Time does not heal everything and memories last forever this is not
a movie this is real life but it almost seems like a movie that none of this is
real and none of this is actually happening. Oh well, it is what it is and
we're all dealing with it now. Our lives are all messed up on some level now
but I've only heard good positivity from Tim so maybe there's some hope and
faith things will get better baby steps and all. We shall see in due time
whatever it takes however long I have to wait I'll make an attempt to walk down
the right path and do the right thing what's best for everyone without
stumbling like before. The struggle is real but I'm dealing with it on the side
in the back of my head in my storage vault locker thing. Signed sealed
delivered I'm yours! Respect!
I don't think many people will
find love, it doesn't just come to people. The Doors of love and views of life
need to be open and accepting. Sometimes risks need to be taken in order for
something beautiful to blossom as in a friendship or relationship with one
another. If one door closes, there will be more opportunities for other doors to open if you let them. Just
give it time and the right people will come along and you'll be glad that you
waited.
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