Actual Things To Apologize For
Tim - Lying is the same as telling you all I remembered, the phone conversations, not apologizing, not admitting or realizing I did something wrong.
Steve - I'm sure there's something about over the phone and more
Ricky - Asking to interrogate his GF, being cryptic, repeating myself too many times, not listening or wanting to change. Not being a good friend, calling him high school names over text, not understanding why I wasn't invited and I took it very personally and negatively.
Alex - For telling him about my experience with Katie and that it sounded like I was trying to scare him away from her for myself. Saying words like I've been there, which translated to Julz that I've been there before as I tapped on Ricky's shoulder for condolences.
Julz - Not handing the situation properly, making her uncomfortable, scaring her with my words to Ricky, the Facebook chat thing.
Mel - Bothering you endlessly about Katie and wondering how she felt about me. I hurt Katie, family feels it too. Maybe I was coming on too strong?
Katie - Creeping around her neighborhood during warmer days, and on her social activity from second profile, telling someone new things about her rather than Alex finding out things on his own. That's not my place to do it. Just being pissy, angry, anti social, and making her the scapegoat of all my problems, letting my OCD get the best of me. Sticking to my relationship goals and fantasizing that she was the one for me because of our common mindset and life experiences growing up in the same area and the same school system. We really connect when we get down to a personal level. I still feel that out love and friendship is still somewhere in existence as we communicated well while helping her love Aaron take the Stuff out from his house to then Mobile Pod. Closing the Door was important.
I never intended for this to happen. I do not want to cause and disorder between anyone of us but that's how it ended up being. Throughout my life these types of things happened to me so I've learned to brush them off and leave them behind until they stabilize out. This whole ordeal has been a slow Devastating process that is taking way too long. Meanwhile I am missing out on my friends and their activities. I am no longer allowed to come on Tuesdays. However, I managed to say my goodbyes to Aaron which was good. I am also cut off from group me... In addition to Katie, Mel, Julz and maybe a few other Facebook profiles. I literally can see what's happening if I don't look from my other profile. The last game night, sledding, and maybe more I've been oblivious to because one of the girls posted and I couldn't see, but I found out later. That Hurts. Even when I'm working. It hurts to know I can't see the posts of activities of the group in full had I intended to attend which I did. Weeks ago I missed out on Christmas and New Years gatherings. I sat at home pissed off, yelling and cursing at my friends angrily through my cellular device for long periods of time. I was so mad and upset then, but I think those raging emotions have left me for now and I'm better at controlling myself. I hurt a number of people in multiple ways I can't even fathom, but I may just understand one day. I still care about those people I once called friends. I still have a big heart on for them and their friendships. I still cherish any forms of love that I can receive. Things are moving like a choo choo train, I just need to throw more Cole in the fire and keep on progressing down the right track. Although I may have really hated you weeks ago there is still that same love I had for you deeply engraved in my soul. If I can write all this stuff... That either means I am really OCD, and if I talk about you a lot, it means I'm crazy about you. Your Smile, and the rest of you. You illuminate any room you walk into. Your Spirit is strong like mine, but it also has a breaking point from past relationships and difficult experiences in our lives. Not to sound overly attached or clingy.
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