For: My Old Crush

This is one of those things that I write that I don't realize what I am doing to the person, until I see them in person. I'm writing this now because, apparently my mind and I have some more things to say, and probably won't be able to do it at CG because I barely say anything there, or do anything other than stare at the people across from me, or the floor. I also need time to express myself, privately this time. I wanted to make sure the whole thing was readable. Ben's house isn't really a good place to discuss this. I don't intend for this to be a stab in the back or anything, I don't know if I should even send this at all.

I am once again hiding behind my keyboard. I apologize if this is absolutely against the guidelines.

So I have been thinking a lot since we talked on Monday night... I took many of the things we discussed to heart and have been trying not to bring myself down so much to a point that I can't do anything. I'm trying not to hang my head either. I disappoint myself quite a lot. I've been thinking about how to message you but I never got around to it. I didn't send anything because I had looked at some pictures of you (which are in many of the places I go to on face book), and they caused me to change my story over and over. The thoughts and the feelings I have come and go from day to day, especially when I am alone. I've been working on reducing that. At some points in the day I forget about everything (including other things not related to you) and my mind is completely clear. In the blog posts that I wrote, I wrote some things down, they were on my mind at that point and I really did not realize the effect we talked on Monday night.

I did go to God at least one time every day. I've been looking thorough the bible for myself each day looking for good verses, however, I used google or other peoples words to write the essay, which was that first blog that I wrote. I asked him to lift my spirits and to let the devil free from me like in James 4:7, and so far it has been working. God is good. I've been keeping myself together, strong, and trying to keep me mental health stable (not going psycho). I am much better than I was last week, I was completely miserable then and my body language, and facial expressions were telling the story as I left your house that thursday night. I was a complete mess.

The only clear thought of you, that I can think of was when 8675309 came into my mind. Google that and look at the second result.

***
I don't want to be messaging you too often, or having too many talks. I'm not trying to manipulate you to talk to me or to secretly do anything. Neither of us want to control each others lives either. That one time needed to be done. Some times I need to let things happen so that I can learn from my many many mistakes. Sometimes I fail to see that, I can be oblivious to things that I do to myself, and to others. It's hard for me to understand things, even when it is in my head already or if I've been told many times.

I want to say sincere apologies in advance for the things that may happen in the future. I hope that I won't cross that line in the sand. I never intended to cause you any trouble or negativity. I did not want to make you feel what I felt. I have a kind, loving, gentle heart. I can go over the limit a lot. I'm not that kind of person to hate or make people suffer by punishing them for things that they really did not do. My mind is a very powerful thing. If I only pursue what I needed to go after instead of what I shouldn't, I would have a better life, being more happy and successful. Life is tough. Every single day. I think I have most of my situations under control. If you have any other issues with me bring them up to me, or someone else like Josiah and they can tell me. You can talk to me thorough them. I get extremely nervous when I see you, and my heart rate goes way up. I told you Monday that I was shaking, cold, and that my adrenaline was pumping. That happens every so often when you are in the room.

It takes time to regain people's trust, if this message went against it, or I really made the situation much worse, I don't like people to feel bad because of the things I write to them. However long it takes, I am willing to go the distance. I think people are fed up with the things I posted last week, over facebook. I wrote those things on paper, that I wrote in addition to the new crazy statuses.

(http://www.openbible.info/topics/envy) had a lot of verses about Envy, and jealousy, two of the feelings I have. Jealousy will rot the soul away. In Psalm 119:175 it talks about the soul, and letting it live. Some times I wonder if I even have a soul. I've done far worse things and had thoughts that should probably never be spoken of, or brought up. I asked God to let my soul live and for forgiveness and peace and I think that my prayers have been answered.

Anyways, If I can get my work done, get the car, and you are coming to Ben's for CG, I will see you there. Don't worry about me "Keying" or vandalizing your car, or anyone else's. Those thoughts were for me but they came out of my mouth when we spoke. I cared about you that much that I even told you about the mark on your fridge and mostly everything I could think of.
Maybe a break would me nice, it was suggested to me by a few people. But I get bored, and lonely and that is the time that those thoughts tend to drift back into my head.

Have a nice rest of the day!

God Bless!

Part Two Anyone?

My life is still a mess. It is broken in so many pieces right now and it's making me absolutely miserable. These depressing feelings are not going away. I am unable to avoid thinking about them because there are demons constantly attacking me from all different sides. I got the chance to talk with at least four people and they all told me some good advice. They were not short talks either. The talks lasted at least 10 minutes total. I've been talking about this to everyone, making this situation extremely public because I can write more things that are better in this blog. If I send a facebook message, and want to edit something, un send it, or add more things to it, I simply would not be able to do that, also if I send it directly in the message, she may not want to read it right then and there so I post a link and it is her choice to read it or not. On this blog I can send copies to people and let the whole world know my feelings on just what is happening to me. I went ahead and went against myself, my own will, out to where she was just to make my self feel better because sometimes I write things, and then when I see her, they slightly get reset and I temporarily feel better. Generally I haven't actually felt good for months and months and my entire life is decaying into a form that nobody in a normal state of mind should even think about.
I'm usually quiet but today I was especially mute, even around the people I hang with at montco every single day. I spent the hours of 7:00 - 11:45 ish with her. When I went out to the park for community group I sat on the other side of the bench, looking at the scenery. I watched over the parking lot and the beautiful Forrest in the background. I was sitting there and meditating. I was like an outcast because I had excluded myself. When I got there I had to go make an emergency phone call to one of my friends just to notify him of her being there. I had eventually moved due to three people blowing smoke in my general direction. She was then in my vision and she noticed and adjusted her seat as well. As the sun went down and there was darkness everywhere I ran off to relieve myself and then I rejoined the group. After we all sped off, we went to Acme. I just disappeared there and went straight to her house the only way I knew how. Speeding up 309, which was a complete rush while my music was blasting. I was tearing up the road. I re joined the group at her house as they were making mac and cheese and chillin downstairs when I once again had to get up and walk around, this time, outside. I made a couple phone calls and came back in. Towards the end of the night we were a small group of only six people and then there was an elevated conversation about dinosaurs, dragons, behemoths, and leviathans. At some point in the night she blurted out her schedules, saying that she had a lot of free time. Now I know that for a fact. I never asked her on any occasion to hang out but I just might if our relationship can be patched up. When we were first friends, I think I asked / invited her to come over for dinner or just hang out with me but that never happened. I have A LOT of free time as well and I would LOVE to hang out with her, or anyone in general because it beats sitting at home alone or just not doing anything at all. Her house and mine are not too far away from each other and generally other than Monday's and Wednesdays I have my dad's car to take. At the very end of the night, I purposely was the last one out because I finally felt the need to absolutely tell her that we needed to meet. As I was getting ready to leave I asked God for confidence and courage to go up and confront her. I prayed and I had received strength. I don't know how she took that but I brought it up to her attention myself, I'm not sure if my friends brought it up so I had to take this matter into my own hands and try to do something that I thought was right to take care of the things that were going on. I've felt this calling from God for a good few weeks and I really wanted to get it off my chest. So that is what happened for the second part of my day. My friend said that writing these things about her obsessively is really disturbing and irritating to her. I hope that it is not. I don't want to make trouble for any of us. I still have respect for her, and I think that she does to me as well. I just want to be a close friend, NOT to be a couple. She made that clear to me, and I took it.

My emotions are still bottled up at the moment. That fuse has been lit and could explode at any given time. Some of it came out last night after I walked out the door and it was very audible. I drove home in silence, thinking.

This song below is really good right now.

Disturbing Thoughts.

My mood has been manic all week, I've had chronic psychotic depression symptoms all week. I'm experiencing extreme OCD as well. I even starting waking up early on Sundays just so I can see people at the church right by my house. I am Jewish. I occasionally sit in for the service but, never find my friends until it is all over. After it's over I get to spend a few minutes with them until they leave. I've turned to the bible, and it's verses. She made me change subconsciously, without even knowing. I'm having extreme difficulty talking to the people I have turned away from. I'm stuck between a very painful rock and a hard place and I keep banging my head into it and it hurts, a lot. Luke 6:42 talks about blaming others, which is what I think I am doing, even though she is not doing anything I express anger and negativity whenever she is around. I'm apathetic, I have lost my feelings, and interest in her. My mind and spirit both break which leaves me crippled and feeling depressed for the rest of the day. Luke 27,28 talks about loving your enemies and to do good to those who hate you, it also says that in Matthew 5:44 ("But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.) She does not hate me yet as far as I am concerned. My guy friends actually care to tell me that they care and like having me around. I've never asked her since this conflict began between me, my alter ego, and the imaginary people fighting the war inside my brain. As soon as I forget about her God, or whatever seems to place things in front of me which remind me of her and there are a lot of things that trigger me to consciously have her on my mind.We used to be somewhat good friends, when we first met but then as She went on meeting other people, day by day we were growing apart from each other. I talked to my friends about her a lot, and this person knows only part of the story. I've been meaning to meet up with her and a few others. I never brought it up to her in person, rather, only via facebook message.I can no longer post on her wall, or see it at all and messages are all I can send, they are irreversible one the send button is clicked. She had a legit reason to take it off because I posted multiple posts there almost every day and then removed them in the end. Facebook has a setting to e mail you every time you get something in your inbox and that can get really irritating if it is from the same person every single time. I understood the fact that she said she wasn't going to be available for me 24 /7 on facebook. I reduced my posts but apparently something happened that she AND her sister took their walls completely off, therefore there has been no facebook communication between us, or any at all. I posted a disturbing video trying to explain myself there called "phone tag" and it came off as something very confusing that nobody seemed to know why I posted it. After that, I think she thought that I was becoming that when I meant to say "Please stop this from happening, this is going to happen". Throughout the years I have been labeled as a stalker type of person, I even made a blog / website about it back in my high school days. I asked one of my close friends to forward along that message so he can be with me and help me through this extremely difficult situation. I have to get up and walk away multiple times, strutting in anger to get away, storming out of the room, and I think people have noticed. It's gonna take more than just a hero, or prayer to fix all this, I need a miracle to save me from myself, and from hurting the others who I am close to. I don't want to end up like the Devil child in Acts 13:10. I know that she is not evil, she has not cursed me, or haunted me personally as many times as I thought, and neither did her house, which also tends to have an effect on me depending on my mood.Recently my friends and a few people had met but we didn't have time to cover everything. The three of us talked for at least an hour (or at least it felt like it). After that I became extremely passive aggressive with the people around me. I felt the situation that I had just escalated to a much higher level with more feelings, this time including anger, anxiousness, and agony. I hate waking up with a throbbing headache every single morning and not being able to do simple tasks like standing up, getting dressed, or even having a simple breakfast before I have to go schlep my feet to get to the bus station. Some days I really wish I could drive to school, or have a car to drive like most of my other friends so I can use my own schedule and not adjust to the stupid SEPTA schedule and constantly ask my friends for rides which is annoying. I need a car, a job and a wad of cash to fit my budget. I still live at home with my parents who I fight with almost every day which really is a buzz kill. I'm having problems most of the places I go anyway due to my personality. I still think about things that bring my mood down. I want to tell the source / sources of this problem but I don't want to bring them out from their happy mood down to a low level that they probably have never experienced before. I talked to one of my other friends Monday night and told him what was going on and he said they were giving me a big slap to the face in a way. When I think about that kind of stuff it makes me sick and almost want to vomit. I'm stuck in this loop until my manic depression goes and takes a 180, making me jump around and hyper.

To make matters worse, it is cold, dark. and it started to rain as we were outside today. Oy Vey.

History is repeating itself.

"Life can be a tedious treadmill. We find ourselves running and running and getting nowhere fast. A grueling rat race where even if you win you're still a rat – all of it leaves us wondering what it's all about and why we are working so hard with no meaningful, consequential reward."

*** TANGENT ***

I hate it when my friends don't answer my phone calls or call me back. Also, I don't have the text messaging service on my phone anymore so it makes it harder to communicate. My bill was unbelievable and was outstanding even to me, that I sent out that many messages. Whenever I'm around people most of them have their cool high tech cell phones out either texting or looking up things on their mobile web. I do that with my Ipod touch all the time but only where there is WiFi, that is unlocked, or usable with a password.

Friend Poem

A True Friend:
A friend is someone that we treasure and love,
A friend is someone that we put high above,
A friend is someone that that's behind you all the way,
A friend is someone that that's gonna be there today,
A friend is someone that that never gives us a yawn,
A friend is someone that that we can always count on,
A friend is someone that that's always there,
A friend is someone that that's always willing to share,
A friend is someone that isn't there because of duty,
A friend is someone that that fills our lives with beauty,
A friend is someone that that we go to when we need a lift,
A friend is someone that is a true gift

True friends do not judge people.

Definition Of "Friends"

A person who would never intentionally hurt you, lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you, abuse you and who takes great care to be kind to you, honest with you, dependable and loyal. Someone who you trust without question because they have never given you any reason not to trust them. Someone you enjoy being around and look forward to seeing. Someone who would sacrifice themselves for you.

A friend is someone who doesn't screen your calls.

Word used as a gentle attempt to either turn someone down, or break up with a current relationship.

In friend there is an R that stands for real, without the R its fiend, a merciless demon only wanting to destroy you.

friends are people you can trust and take advice from.

Friends are people who are supposed to be there for you.
Friends don't abandon you.
Friends help you and tell you whenever you have a serious problem like cutting yourself.
Friends don't bail on you whenever its the hardest for you.

Friends are people who love you and vice versa. They may not always agree to what you say or do, since they believe that you deserve something better. They are beside you ALL the way. So, it hurts to lose a friend.

A lifetime is enough to make friends, yet a lifetime is NOT enough to understand them. We have to remember that as people, we are ALL subject to change. You can NEVER know someone fully, since you are imperfect. Yet, we can try to. LOVE your friends, and treasure the memories - they will cherish you even more

The people that are always with you and the people you want to be with more then family. Someone that you can't be with out.

people who help you get though tough times, to help you when you need it and they also prevent you from doing dangerous things that can hurt or even kill you

A friend is an angel sent from God to help your through your many struggles in life.
They are shoulders to cry on.
They stay up late to talk about what ever is on your mind.
They will hide the phone under there pillows at night just in case something bad happens and you need to talk.
They will forgive and forget.
They trust you just as much as you trust them.

someone who is always there never gives up on you wont let you down and leave you when you need them most

A companion. One of the greatest things existence has to offer.

someone who is kind to you, honest, trusts you and would never do anything to hurt, annoy, anger you, or make you uncomfortable in any way. they love you for just being you. friendship can never be a one sided relationship.

a friend is someone who should always be there for you, care about you, make you laugh, and knows how to make you feel better when your down.

when a friendship ends or you grow apart from a friend, it can hurt almost more than anything. like a non romantic "break up". it sucks.

A absolutely loyal person.