Updates: There is another Girl.

Sensitive Materials on my life, prayer, and other hoopla!

Hola!

For some odd reason my Brain feels kinda broken. This week has been very stressful, and I have been looking for a way to vent via typing, or meaningful heart to heart conversations with close friends. I had this thought about someone like yourself, that knows about parts of my life would be able to help me out therapeutically. However, a majority of my stress, panic, insecurity, and experiencing feelings of being socially awkward and socially inept on nights like tonight. I was around people, I talked a bit, but it felt like it went by too quickly, and I didn't get much out of my conversations. No, this is not about anyone specific. I've kinda been numbed out and desensitized to the whole situation. Nothing happened in the group as far as I know so I am okay, but irrationally worried sometimes. I know what I want, I just feel I won't get that chance to aim for it and hit the mark. I understand people are busy with jobs, and they're not here to entertain me, bit still. I felt especially alone due to a very isolated week with very limited human face to face conversations and happenings, along with my anxiousness and insecurities that come along with it. As I am writing this email, I feel like I'm headed towards normalcy as I know it.

Numero dos: Sorry I didn't give up my spot, I'd rather sit on my own chair. Nothing against John. I would have been more inclined if, there was a female on board preferably, the young lady who I've been sitting next to at the past 5 Small Group Bible studies like clockwork. It's nice to sit next to her, but I frown on her busy schedule and lose all hope at something more when we don't even say hi or by at the door. (I had this issue with Jenny too, she got annoyed with it, I learned from that mistake and have been keeping it cool as a cucumber.) I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean anything over here either. I have been trying to give her subtle hints that I like her more than others that way. They just happen to end up that way for the past few weeks. I am not sure if it is a coincidence or a work of God's Plan, but I have been praying about it nearly every single night before I go to bed. I  hope the messages get across and my love can reach her in a non creepy intrusive way. Something clear that would make her smile and appreciate it, and not being turned away from it by some Jewish guy having the idea of taking her out and starting something super awesome with her.  I would talk to her over FB / TXT but that is really cheesy. I probably sounds a tad selfish here. I promise I'm not idolizing her regularly, nor in a crazy sin filled fantasy. It may have neutralized itself, but prayer always helps. I habitually pray that one day we Will each find each others hearts, or find another super sweet awesome significant other Such as RD He's on the list of people that likes KLH as much as I do, and she likes him due to their high interactions, and laughing at each other's jokes consistently. If that's not suspicious, she got really dressed out for Rich's birthday. Hair, Nails, Makeup, and Tight Jeans that made her big booty look phenomenal. I am probably making the wrong assumptions for that. Since he may or may not still be in a relationship with Julz, but what do I know? She's better off with him than me. I mean look at him, he's the typical ideal BF every girl wants, with a cool Car and everything. I have nothing but love, and I still depend,on my parents with no income, plus I am kinda fat, hairy, and have a beer belly gut. Not very appealing.

When the right time, and the right person God chose to be in my life comes, I will be ready. And if that doesn't work, I could always fall back to my Gay Phase and try to get my hands on some man meat. I just have to find some openly gay prideful peeps who are not on the internets, but ones who are local. A partnership with someone could help me stray away from sin. Not gonna go,into details because that is just TIM. 

I don't like how everyone bolted out the door and drove off together rather quickly. I didn't see anyone give hugs, chat, or say goodbye as we usually do during our fellowship time. I thought we were going out to have some drinks while overhearing conversations I was in proximity to. Turns out it was a big misunderstanding, and it was only for the build team... Not much came out of this week besides the study. I'm hoping we can all get together as one big group and do something interactive and fun between us that involves all of us being individually involved with ear other. Like we used to do. Group activities like prayer stations were fun to do. More active than any old bible study. When love is real, it finds a way. Having OCD sucks sometimes. It really ruins lives when people find out I have consistent thoughts about them. It's like coming to see this really hot chick you dig, and then watching her go out the door and disappear before you know it, and you feel ruined, and heartbroken because you've lost the opportunity you had to socialize, and you have to wait at least another week (or less if you're lucky) to find time to be on each other's presence and appreciate each other's friendship. Love is a very dangerous and delicate thing. Stepping into the game and up the ranks ain't too easy.  I need to look up the word "Conceded" look at my Facebook posts, do you notice any trending topics? If I could get a woman's perspective on this, it may help.
Sometimes I feel so emotionally attach that I have separation anxiety when I'm not around people enough. People that I know, and other familiar friends help lift my spirits up when I'm down, at least when I'm out of the House. Once I'm planted into my computer chair ready for YouTube, I am mostly okay.

I've been better and clean for at least a year now, I'm hoping things don't get dirty again.

Going Down the List here... it started with Lauren, Janine, Julie, Jenny, Beatrice, Danielle, Rachel (online) and now Katie.