Here I Go Again!

Lets see, how do I want to start this off... hmmm... its been a while... and its 2:30 in the morning, I spontaneously made the decision to write something out whilst my laptop computer was still on. My Mood has been kinda aggressive and bipolar as of late. I have been a lot of outbursts of rage and anger towards people that I think have shunned me for trying to be myself, and to get a laugh out of people. I have this new set of people that I know now and they seem to be a bunch of cliquy females with their guy friends. I haven't seen any real intimacy yet but I wouldn't be surprised if they started dating and getting all kissy faced with each other even though the majority of them are simple still teenagers not knowing where they want to be in life with their relationship statuses with other people because of previous heartbreaks and issues they are afraid to re live things in their past and have cut off dating completely because of BS and drama that these things caused mentally, physically, and probably spiritually as well. Anyways, enough with that stuff, I wanna get to the main course of my serving dishes which is set to a few people that bring back memories and experiences all in very short amounts of time. People out there are confusing and people like me try to figure out what the heck is going on in their minds, and a lot of it does not seem normal. From experiences, a guy like me knows to be careful whilst engaging in the female activities, however the one who always tends to end up doing something stupid and getting shunned just for trying to be myself without any explanation from the other side. Specifically, there is one issue bothering me, and I haven't really had a chance to talk it out with anyone because there really aren't very much people out there, and the people that are out there I barely see once a week, they are the people who are the closest to each other, a strong standing group of friends that are never standing by themselves, always together, sometimes hiding down in the parking lot, moving around for some odd reason. I don't think they'll be able to do that stuff when it gets cold. There's something special about this situation, its not making me send out bible verses or a number of pleading messages just begging to get a response. I have learned that it doesn’t really work so I stopped trying. Speaking of the Bible, I have strayed away from all that stuff, and religious life in general, I have turned away from it and my feelings became turned off with it. For months and months nobody has bothered me about it which is good. I don't know how long it will last, maybe new believers will come in like this guy by the name of Steve who kept dishing out stuff from the Bible as he talked to me for a long time and just would not get the message that my ears had turned off and I had actually stood there by the Door, not to hold it for people, but for a different reason, skewed away in the dark corner just hoping someone would come up and talk to me as I surveyed the Coffee Bar area keeping an Eye out on the floor. I seemed to tangent there, I was gathering thoughts from my older blog, when things went sour with a female by the name of Jenny, who I'm pretty sure will not be reading this, and nobody else will even know unless I publish it and send it to them via a link. I think I have gained an evil eye for these people, and every time I see them I get filled with rage and everything seems to piss me off as if I were the Hulk on PMS like I mentioned to people a while ago but has already been forgotten. At least this thing isn't a constant thing. However I've been living in the gutter for Sexual things and haven't really had any pure clean thoughts. I have developed a huge boner when it comes to the ladies and sex. I've gotten to a point where its really getting out of hand and everything that I do becomes sexual and dirty which is not good. I have been idolizing them quite a bit and more and more seem to be coming into my life so I have trying to stray away from daydreaming about them and stray away from all my sexual fantasies with all these beatiful ladies because that is where my mind drifts off to almost right away just undressing them with my eyes and imagining what they would look like if theyy had taken all their clothes off and were ready for what I had in mind but I am happy that I am having some of said issues as stated above, they are only making me learn from my mistakes and making me stronger, and wiser not to repeat those things. To go on with the idoling thing, I still have my novels that I wrote to another girl that I liked that I have know at least four years coming on and off to this group I have been attending with her (Yes, I'll gender specify her) we haven't really talked at all or tried any methods of commuinication. However she did unblock both my accounts on facebook for at least the thrid time, which tends to happen with her, so I can at least see some of her posts from my own profile and I don't have to sneak in undercover on one of my friends profiles who shares a password with me and I share my password with him too, its not much but that means that she can see my activity too when I post on the same page or click like on one of her comments, or photos she happens to be tagged in from my friend's profile. I still have a thing for her straight up I'll tell you, there are only two syllables to her name, one letter, one number, easy stuff to remember. That should make it completely obvious about the other person who I wanted to write about here. I'm gonna read this later and be very confused with all these A.D.D thoughts, not many people will probably understand all these tangents which is kinda happening all the time because people get confused when they come and read this stuff that I write. I have gone though enough to be able to tolerate a lot of things and just brush them off, sometimes I feel like an invincible indestructible brick wall where nobody can touch my feelings or get thorough my tough ego man firewall. I am not going psycho this time, but I have been acting a little weird giving off looks and just talking with my body language when I see said person at the same hours of the day at the same exact place wearing the same exact thing standing behind the same exact counter and so on. I feel like I was just wronged and don't know if I am mentally able to forgive. Its not an easy feeling when your brain and body cause someone out there to become your mortal enemy who you eventually lose contact with at some point and gain distance between one another. You see, there are things on my mind that I would like to get off my Chest and out of my head so I can easily resolve this problem but when push comes to shove I don't know what to say and how to say it so I don't come off as giving a rather rude, relentless attack on an almost innocent individual who I had just became close friends with and lost that friendship over a span of a week. A full relationship come and gone, I should get a Medal for the quickness this had happened in, never in my life has it gone by in such a click. I've been trying to go my separate way but its kinda difficult to do that when the person causing you trouble is always there because said person is required to be at said place, which sounds confusing but anyone who knows this person will know exactly who and what I am talking about. Eventually I would like to rebuild our friendship back to a stable level but starting things back up isn't really my strong side, I tend to just wait for them to walk up to me one day but I have a feeling that it won't happen this time. I'm still kinda living in a bubble with my Trolling face on. I just DGAF (Don't Give a Fuck) I learned that whist on my Oranim to Israel, we nicknamed this kid named Billy Sheehan who added, and blocked me on facebook withing two days. It was a mess over there but that's not much of a story to tell because I have said most of that stuff in my previous novel of a blog post. I seem to be trolling quite often now and its pissing people off, I've been sayin many things that I have learned from the internet that have come in handy during regular conversations. In conclusion I hope life steadys itself out and things go back to normal so I can go out and live life without any drama, because high school ended in 2007 for me and there is no chance in hell that I wanna go back there. Once I break, I become very still and am very hard to fix. Nothing can save me from that hell. Prayers may help but if I have no faith and no relationship to the Lord not much can be done for me. I guess that time will tell what the rest of the sememster brings to my table. I'll be back next time I have a creative flair, and a solid writing mind so I can articluate my words in an orderly fashion people can actually understand.
2 pages, 1 hour, written in OpenOffice.Org. Right on time for me to unplug & Shut Down. Peace out!

Always Remember 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, LOVE each other DEEPLY
Because LOVE covers a over a multitude of Sins."