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The next Episode update of my life.

It's not healthy to suppress our feelings, so here I go sharing it through my Keyboard. I can't just push things into the back of my mind and move on right away, it takes a lot of digging, and time. The absolute worst thing to do in these situations is be silent. Silent Treatment / Radio Silence are no fun. It's kinda difficult to forget about things and pretend as if they didn't happen, this is the real world, with real people and reality is real, and not in my vivid / lucid dreams or voices that haunt me at night. I am not writing / Sharing to cause trouble, drama, to point fingers at anyone, or to make one feel guilty although I think most of this is a a pleasant read. I like to express myself, and since we have some maintenance, we can go over this during the day Monday, but probably closer to Thursday. I want to be transparent and not do things behind your back, also not for me to tell myself to eshar. This was instead of writing in the notebook. I am not exactly broken, but I don't think I had much sleep last night. #insomnia. You'll get a first look. Basically, I see you as a victim of something harmless, whether it was okay or not. I am still walking around with a guilty conscience, and constantly need reassurance because I become very insecure after these big, more traumatic events. Many Irrational Fears start spinning inside the cortext of by brain. I Still have a bitter taste in my mouth, of which traveled through my keyboard. I have a bad feeling we may become frenemies if these events continuously happen. Hopefully things won't get that bad and we will push through it. Remember when I mentioned that I can scare people easily before? not my intentions, but it's starting to become an itch I simply cannot scratch. Talking to you is the same, it can be medicinal if I am not having an episode, alternatively, it could become very toxic, meaning Eshar may need to give us a break from each other.. not sure how that would work, but I don't think it will get to that because I think I've been nice, and respectful towards you most of the time except that one Thursday where I didn't feel like talking to anybody. I understand that you are a Human, and not an Object, my comments are only meant to help uplift you a little. She should be happy and proud to display her work / art creations with others over social media platforms. it's nothing private anyways. It's like a free Art Museum that suddenly closes while business is booming, much like Corona did to a lot of people. Oh well. We will wait till she reads. I'll send it to the guy first and mention that we can do it in parts because it's kinda long and wordy. Probably needs explaining or translating. The light and the moon song (Hebrew) that Lady Gaga song you & I, and Shallow are still stuck in my head from when they sang it, but it's in her Vocals.  I think my Brain can go two ways, I can either attract someone, or violently push them away. I need to find the middle ground in every relationship so that it runs smoothly. Everything happens for a reason right? We may not know what it is, but that's how the world, and also maybe Karma works. Welcome to another one of my public freakouts! lol I am not fishing for Sympathy, but try to be as compassionate as possible. I totally understand if you don't really want to put up with this stuff, but that is kinda your Job as my Personal Madricha. I hope it's not too difficult for you, Apologies if it is. That's just the way I am sometimes, and I can't be the only one like this, yes, I I am unique, special, but I can't be the only one writing things and sharing them with shekel people. Ummm... where do I start? Going back to the first few emails of notes that I shared a while ago that never really surfaced... Most of it is old news. I'll start out from what we covered and set boundaries for previously such as..... emotional, and physical attraction which both happen naturally, it's how we handle the situations moving forward. it's hard to find someone out there especially when you're being very picky, you forget to look at yourself. Love is a basic human need that keeps us bonded to the people who matter most. I Remember the Fruits of the Spirit that I learned about during my involvement with highly religous christian groups. A secure, loving attachment with a romantic partner involves a deep affection, trust, and acceptance of a person, flaws and all. I think what I am doing is partially Lustful. I read that in an email by Dr Chevy Weiss (one of his emails on Shadchanim) He referred to certain actors hooking up on the friends tv show reunion that they thought would never end up together. A Person should be flexible with finding the right person. We need to step out of our comfort zone more often, and no, I am not hinting anything here! Just going over some psychology. it's not always about what you want, but also what the other person needs. Makes sense not to be selfish. He also wrote that Beauty can fade, or in my case things calm down and become a little less exciting, but still fun with what we have. We sometimes hit a rock or a hard place, but it's better than the first time we really talked, and after that when we talked again, and we really got to know each other. Another thing he wrote is to live in reality, and not in your dreams / fantasies, expect the unexpected and hope for the best. Love can Heal, or Hurt, as it knows no boundaries. I enjoy being sapiosexual with things. Right now it's teetering on both ends, and my heart is kinda in a vulnerable, more sensitive state as usual, but we are becoming more comfortable with sharing things so that's a plus. We have a nice little bond going on, maybe even a small friendly spark, but that's just my opinion. I was susceptible to internal / external danger but I think she understands me, and listens to me rather well although I may have to explain things a few times. Music is also in that same category where it can go both ways as seen last Thursday when all I heard were love songs, or songs that just decided to trigger me and my pent up rage that day. I am not bipolar, or schizophrenic to my knowledge, stuff just happens sometimes. She is good company, plus, she is female, and she looks great, her style has a ton of pizzazz (not to be confused with Pizzas) I try to avoid being in or around any boiling points like the TV show where they just troll people and if they don't rage quit, they'll get some money. She's very delicate, but I have brought out her strong side a few times with the whole ignoring her thing, and holding on to the extra 5 shekels, maybe to use it later, we don't see that side very often. Trying to write in chronological order Day of 6.17.2021 I looked in my Mirror and saw Gal taking the Key out of the second shelf's Bowl thingy and she was like "Daniel, I saw you looking" and later I told her that I kinda knew it was up there, and I did look in there before right after eshar dropped the metal clanking keys against the hard parts of the bowl, I eventually stopped looking for it, but I think at least for tomorrow Gal said She may trust me to know where it is, much like we are trying to build trust in our private conversations. I told her she could take inventory, I wasn't here to see her putting money in or taking money out of the box, so she may have already done that. We are going to get a new Keyless Lock box pretty soon, they sell them at the local Channan. I told her straight up that I have a mirror in my room and when I hear something moving or see some activity in the back, all I gotta do is peek to the left and I can pretty much see the entrance of the kitchen / Kitchen Table area. ***From the Future*** I checked the spot in the morning and it wasn't there, guess she found a new spot or didn't end up trusting me in the end? I took a brief look, and called it quits - Later I went to my PC from 4:00 -5:00 where Gal and I went out to finally play with the Frisbee which she needs a lot of practice on. Glad she remembered this time. Most of her throws were wobbly and went into the Bushes Multiple times but we had a few good throws so Next time she could be better, and more confident. also the other guys could join us for a bigger circle. We even had a small Child stop by, and another dude help us with getting the Frisbee out of the deep bushes all the way to the end, which caused me to go back home and get the long water cleaning stick while holding the bushes back for her... which cut off some of our fun activity time. We found a nice shady spot without rocks or dog poop, and we were careful about not hitting the other people, it wasn't shabbat so not as many people came or turned their heads in attention to us but, this Frisbee thing is like a magnet... after that it was time to go home. I told Gal (our Madricha) about my Notes and was reluctant for her to read some of it because it was unfiltered and private, but she had insisted. Like "I AM YOUR MADRICHA DANIEL!" So she came into my room and as I tried to cover the more personal parts up, she was in range of the screen and already looking, so I went all the way and just let her loose on everything, so I gave her a chair and she scanned over the whole thing. I mean, nothing much we can change about her photos there, but our nerves are more important and (I told her that later). Going back and asking her to be able to access her profiles would be like asking an ex-girlfriend to get back with you, after she's been seeing someone else... not a need, but a desire to hook back up, or reconnect. Real people are better than cool art pictures / projects from the past. they talk back and respond to you on the spot. I am going to miss them a little, (just like with the Money Box and the keys which are mostly forgotten about) but if I ever get curious I can just ask her, and I could probably see things with some context either on her Phone or Macbook. I told her not to sit on my bed for reasons. I don't know if I was hot from the exercise or the room light being on or stress and panic about the things she would see and think about the stuff I blatantly wrote about her... again, She said everything was okay, and I technically didn't do anything wrong although I felt like it and I told her that. She told me that The best way to talk about it is generally with the source and not anyone else not to cause creepy stalker vibes. I used babysitter #2 (Shay) as an outlet and I pretty much told him everything, not knowing what would happen with that information that I had already had about her past life... essentially, I had opened my mouth, shared my story, causing Shay's concern, leading to sabotaging everyone's public access to her profiles. I am not sure if the same would have happened had I told her myself as I would see her in a few days. It was my business at first, and then it became public and everything went AWOL. I was going to tell her when the time was right, and I felt comfortable, Shay had jumped the Gun and I don't really appreciate that. I am mostly over it, but some days I look at the emptyness and tought of the memories and information that once existed very publicly. Maybe some day it will change where I can follow her, but I don't think it's gonna happen unless a miracle happens, it will stay like that even after we are both long gone from shekel. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. later I told Gal that our nerves are more important to us. She told me she set her Instagram to private (and she did unfortunately, also Facebook), but her Facebook is still somewhat accessible and I am not exactly blocked there so I may be able to see little public snippets here and there, however, the Page just doesn't load for some odd reason, not even the public stuff, not a single post that I know existed shows up (Unless she actually went in a deleted everything there, to start fresh?) The Photographs, Art Pieces (excluding the ones where she is overly exposed from her past career modeling) and memories were the most important to me and I totally panicked and freaked out when they told me she had cut everyone who wasn't following her on Instagram off, and I got really upset. But really, they are just pictures and short clips of her old life, and they were enjoyable. The best way to know about what is going on in someone else's life is simply to ask as I did with her new computer... Somehow the social networks had connected, but why conveniently on a Monday Night when She was sitting right there? I have no idea, God works in Mysterious ways, especially with the women in my life with all the drama and emotions spewing out of all my orifices... Later in the next day I thought about the "Why" she did what she did, she wanted to protect me too, I don't know if it was related to a 32 year old sleuthing around on her social medias freely, I would have told her, but shay got to it first so he delivered the message before I could meet with her during the next Monday / Thursday. After that I showed her the mess in my closets twice and told her about my hoarding, so someday soon she wants to clean it up with me. after that we went out to Order Food as we do every Thursday, and I let her pay with the money I had because I told her I would take the extra 5 shekels and run with it... we went shopping together as an apartment and got some extra items due to an extra 200 Shekels from a man in Charge that gives us Money every single week. So after that I put my sandwich in my room and went for a walk to the first station to see the books and people one last time... didn't have much of an appetite, so not a lot of food for me. I needed a breath of fresh, clear, mountain air ... and I got some. When I got back everyone was in their Rooms and Gal was sitting by herself for some odd reason, and all the freaking lights were on, The kitchen table was pushed into the corner, and I got upset. I went in and out of conversation with Gal who told me she could stay up to 11:00 watching TV or whatever, even if she had to wake up the next day at 5:00 AM so she could make it in time to visit her family up north. I told her to have a nice trip and asked if she could take a nice photo of the view so we could either edit it in photoshop or gimp... That should be fun. After that I paced, and paced, and paced anxiously fixing up stuff, and eventually she asked me if all was good with the thumbs up or down and I said nope, I am rather anxious and it's beyond my control, and hers, she started singing the Jerusalem of gold song and It was rather relaxing, kinda like my mother was long ago when she sang us to sleep, but now we're stressed out. I was kinda soothing and therapeutic, she had an amazing voice for that and a great niche for songs / indie games / TV shows most of the time. I did not get turned on by it, but I did enjoy the free short concert. She asked me if I I listened to music to help calm me down, told her I enjoyed guitar instrumentals, and even shared a few videos with my Roommate Shay. gave me some breathing exercises, (which are more complicated to do due to my deviated septum), sometimes I don't get enough oxygen to my brain. She asked me about what my dad and brother did, when I came to Israel, and which place I would like to live better... Eventually at 10:24 I called it quits and started to drift away telling her that I didn't want to keep her awake so I was trying to respect that. I was pretty much stalling then. 5:00 AM is an early call time to rise, wake, and travel for hours, but the The destination is worth it! The Journey can be a fun experience as well. She Changed into her Pajamas , and BAM... she went behind the Dividers, and WOOSH, the lights went out instantaneously, and she conked out. Something weird I noticed was that she barely enters the bathroom, and I think to myself, how the heck does she hold it in for that long? is she shy to go pee or poo? and yes, for the record, girls Poop too. Maybe it's a weird swimmers thing? I saw her go in there once, and sometimes I hear things from the bathroom from the comfort of my own bed, right after the footsteps stop. it's none of my business, I was just curious. Doesn't look like she has a Toothbrush or Hair Brush, nor does she need it because she generally seems nice and neat, even on the sweatier days, she's not perfect, but she's a spectacle, and rather pleasing to the eyes. I enjoy making her smile and laugh with proper jokes / comments. The only comment I have about that would be the somewhat blank Smile I received during our first official Personal Meeting during my interrogation as I kept talking, the smile was there and I didn't know what to think. I'm sure it was real, and genuine, otherwise they wouldn't continue to try to help me, or they would tell Eshar and my Ass would be in the hot seat. but... I dunno, it's weird sometimes. Sidenote for today: The Internet was out for a while so she had reset the modem and then it magically worked and I was able to get online again. I hope she comes back from her trip safe, and I get to see her again. We are working within the boundaries. When I had asked to see her work / Portfolio I had no idea she did stuff like this, but I saw everything that I possibly could, and I think that was enough memories and information to simply get to know her better. I guess I got a nice surprise, with what could be a happier ending had the social media not gotten cut off from me. I think I wrote this before but... the old gal and the gal that we know now are not the same people. She has toned down a lot of party going spirit. She and I still probably have things to hide from each other. She had mentioned she felt anxious too, maybe I will ask her more about that without digging too deep into the cortex of her brain. I still don't know if She's straight or bi, or single from all the stuff I saw, but that doesn't really matter that much, I still get to see her twice a week, and some personal time with her 1 on 1. Sharing is not always caring and therapy / therapists don't really help that much if our private HIPAA related conversations are leaked to other doctors and people that you're not ready to let them know yet. Shay, Gal, and Eshar have taken advantage of my stupidity but I don't think they're using it against me, I mean, they wanna help. We are working on it every time we get together. I'm pretty sure they weren't put in my path as a part of God's Plan to devistate me and destroy my life even further that it is, or what it feels like. Relationships are more important than photos, and if I really want to see something on her Instagram or elsewhere which I know about whether it is public or not, I just simply ask her. No need to leech off anything of hers, because that is technically cyberstalking, and it's kinda illegal. I have the real human in front of me twice a week, plus another outlet on whatsapp, so I think I'm still decent with resources. She is currently the only active one who posts somewhat regularly from all the madrichim... as for the boobies thing, it was for an art project. I just felt a little shock in my system when I saw what I hadn't expected from my PC and it's internet capabilities. It's currently very hot outside, and if I tell her to put something on, she will melt, especially because she is already hot... She can be an excellent therapist. She even called me Danny, which felt weird, but could mean she's becoming more personal. She mentioned that she wasn't hinting at anything during our conversation but I don't know which context it was in. I asked if we could bake a Cake and she said yes, how about a Shabbat Cake? and told me to find a recipe and ingredients. I took a shower around Midnight and went to bed. Night of 6.17.2021 -The Walk helped, the spontaneous talk also helped me feel a little better as soon as I sat down on my computer and reunited with my wife. I felt Calmer and less restless. Chewing some Gum had helped put me at ease with my stress / anxiety, I didn't use the caffeine becuase it was late, and it wasn't the right time to use it. I Drank some Tea, and that seemed to help. Little things I've learned from the internet helped me here. Maybe it was the sound of her voice that reminded me of my mom's singing when we were younger, or her similar PJ's. The Shower I took at 12:20 helped a little bit, at least I am clean now. Things are passing over as I type this. My Head hurts and is Spinning a little. I also feel a little bit mixed up, but I can handle that. I was in bed at 1:30 ish, and slept pretty well. Overnight, I heard her Tossing and Turning, so I may ask how she slept a few days later. Last night was particularly cool, and the huge screen door should help a lot. Also the AC doesn't really reach over there, mostly in the rooms and is more efficient if the doors, windows, and even shades are closed on the more intense days of heat waves. I told her we could turn on the AC, or simply just ask, as I haven't heard them do. I am not in control of everything, so if something bothers them, we can talk about it in the yeshivah dira,(But she is only here Monday / Thursday so she isn't present) especially when leaving every single light on and going to their rooms, and pushing the kitchen table all the way to the corner of the wall for some odd reason, they need to chill out with that, it's a big excessive. We talked about the fan being big and loud, so she tried to sleep without it, and I plan to ask how that was. I did not make any jokes about only fans, I am not sure if she would understand, but hey, she would probably make a good amount of income from her older style without being essentially gross, or borderline pornographic. Some of those things I just can't unsee, and she nodded her head like... "yeah". I want to ask her more about that stuff from what I can remember that is still accessible publicly. I try to help her keep confidence with some of my comments, but I guess she thinks of her as an object or something like that. she's not into the whole angel thing, or to be told that she looks great, a great model. Like when women say that they are "Fine" that is Girl code for "No, I'm not fine" among other words and phrases memed on the internet. I try my best to respect her and be considerate of her comfort level, sometimes, I push it too far and get a negative reaction. I laughed when she said she was good / better with balls after throwing around the Frisbee, she kinda shrugged it off after she knew where my head was at. I think she is immune to it by now, or has a higher tolerance for it. Sometimes, my internal filter gets circumvented and my internal thoughts get presented through my external microphone a.k.a my voice box. Day of 6.18.2021 - woke up around 5:00 (some OCD Purposes because I enjoy seeing her and saying hello / goodbye in the mornings) (Casually!) and just stayed awake. I am not addicted, but very Obsessive about her. I told myself that my body's internal clock is malfunctioning / out of order and I needed one of those yellow signs, or Tags that they put on the broken machines when I worked in America. I joked that my body forgot about sleep and that it was even a thing that existed. I thought it may have been the Pepsi from the Soda Stream keeping me awake, but I will never know! I Heard the Phone numbers clanking as she was about to leave, I was pretty much awake then, and didn't hear the Door because she is just a ninja like that, much like yonatan. I got out of bed for some bread and hummus at 6. Started going over my thoughts from last night and adding to them. Did not feel like eating, but after a few hours, I had half of my New Deli Sandwich, it was still tasty. I went to check for the Lock Box Keys thoroughly, but they were not found, despite making a possible agreement to leave them out in a trusting sort of deal. There were many Air Long Distance High fives, but no hugs, I thought about it later. I mean, we are allowed to make light contact, as long as it's friendly right? It's more difficult for me to give hugs, but I think I could have used one. but I needed a shower urgently so I forgot about it. Want to ask her how she feels about limits / rules .etc Instagram / Facebook- She has nothing to hide and I don't have much to gain but try to persuade her to make things public. I'm not going to plaster her photos everywhere or blackmail her, I mean it's not a big difference but, if I had cause her to make some changes, even little ones, I think I may have actually gotten to her and struck a nerve, something beyond the superficial friendship that currently is existing between us, I mean, I am weak and sometimes really desire to look at her stuff, not to stalk her or do anything scary, but more to just simply see what she's up to with only good intentions, but, it is what it is, and that's that. If it continues to bother me beyond what I can take then maybe she needs to take more action, of course that is not good for me, but hey, I guess I would kinda deserve it? The Fact that I'm Adding more to this part is a clear sign that I am not 100% over it. I don't like to see absolutely nothing but year old posts, but it's hasn't even been a day yet, and I've lived without it before, so I can do it again. It's gotten so bad that literally nothing Loads on the Page, kinda like opening up an empty, sad black hole. I mean, it feels like an unnecessary wall between us, I think the Border between Israel and Lebanon is less secure than this. What I'm trying to say is I've felt like I've lost some connections after what had happened, I don't need them as they are not vital in my life, but things look a lot worse from my perspective because they happened. I think I can still send messages to her but we have whatsapp for that... I guess we're not allowed to connect, but I'm curious to see what would happen if we knew each other outside of the shekel circle. I told her that I was screaming internally and that I felt numb to everything, but that turned into an anxiety attack. Which I wrote in the other email. When I showed her the food she insisted she had to see it because she was my personal madrich. I didn't really like that, so I fought her on it like a rebound or something. She knows all my hiding spots, so she knows everything, but not the specifics, she probably told Eshar already, so I will probably get a mouthful from him. Need to confront Shay the Madrich and ask him how he told her about what I saw on the profiles... And why did he tell her? She was okay with it but she's not bulletproof so I'm guessing that it may have hit her somewhere near her soul because she took immediate action and set her Instagram to private. God Willing everything will be truly alright by Monday. I guess you could say he was also trying to look out for her / protect her, especially after all the things I told him. Maybe we could rent a car or bus and go on a road trip someday. Wanna ask her if we can walk around the city just for fun, or the mall to look for jobs and activities to do beyond the norm. Theater / Concerts are great ideas. We got on to the topic of harassment and I told her how Yael was abused many times but she is doing great now, and getting married soon. She has a few cats, a dog, and a fiance to keep her company. I missed out on a Game of SpongeBob Rehydrated battle for bikini bottom, but I'm pretty sure I will see it again. I still didn't feel like going to my PC and watching videos that were open since yesterday afternoon, maybe I'll find something else, or get back in the flow soon. I did mention that I was kinda broken and feeling that way before our talk. Perhaps I was scarred subconsciously while taking a look back in time? I was barely on my computer, and didn't have much of a desire to eat, even with all the excess goodies and nutrition that I have hidden inside my room. I did not mention that it was not all her fault, but if it comes up again, I will sincerely, and not just to make her feel better. She probably is more focused on other things because I am not her master or general as they say in the army (someone of High Rank) and she has other things to occupy her time with me, but as far as I know, I still have some importance in her life, the co-workers, and others who live with me. Hila probably still misses us. I started talking about my anxiety and opened up upon the subject of not being able to escape and being stuck at home. There's no Horsham Clinic, only the emergency room at Shaare Zedek where the only thing they did was take my blood, shove an IV in my Arm, put me on tiny stretcher in a tiny clustered claustrophobic hospital hallway where I was so anxious, I had walked around a majority of the night drinking water from paper cups at the cafe, trying to keep my glasses safe, and clean, pacing back and forth in circles trying to find a good place to sit to no avail. When these things are stronger than medicine, or my mental strength, that puts me in a bad situation. My own world becomes another world like a black hole where the world is like my oyster in a shell. At least I have adjusted to Israel already, and have overcome a ton of obstacles. I have more outlets than just my mom, and me begging for the police to take me in in the middle of the night when I got stuck in the city and had to take a taxi back. That's something she didn't know, as well as the cyberstalking thing, but shay may have told her that too. The next time we talk things should get better, and if not, I'll write some more. I filtered this blog out for at least 4 hours, and wrote it in about 1 hour. It is as clear as I can make it. if I missed something, this version is good enough. https://yismach.com/blog/2021/06/18/building-a-relationship-with-that-perfect-stranger/ A great Article I got in my email from Yismach.com https://declutterthemind.com/blog/how-to-let-things-go/ - Another good article on with tips on letting things go Some Positive Affirmations from the internet that reflect how I feel. The Idea of looking them up came from a Matt D' Avella Video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAYw_orzBR0) My past is not a reflection of my future. Difficult times allow me to appreciate the good times. without the light, the dark won't show. Just keep breathing. I have the power to create change. No amount of worrying can change the future. No Amount of Anger will cause things to move forward. To make small steps toward big goals is progress. I have so much good love to share with others. I must learn to love myself before I love others. I must embrace the glorious mess that I have become. We must be willing to committ to letting go of the life we planned so we could have a chance of a better life that is probably waiting for us. Failure is just another way to learn how to do something right. The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it. Peace begins with me. The more peaceful I am inside, the more peace I have to share with others. We are all one big family, and this planet is our home. I am surrounded  and blessed by people who love me. Bad chapters can still create great stories. Wrong Parts can still lead to the right places. Failed Dreams can still create successful people. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Sometimes it takes losing yourself and hitting Rock bottom to find yourself. I don't have the patience to edit any more right now. This post turned out to be devastatingly long. *Can ask how her trip was and about the photos. How the situation is up north.* *She read this later and was pleasantly surprised, and not repulsed by it* *She is stronger than I think, all of that didn't even seem to phase her, at least not externally*

About A Girl - 2021 Update

I must remain anonymous when typing this one, she has a link that takes her to this blog and we may be reading this one together. She's not fluent in English, but she'll probably understand a good chunk of this.I don't think I can really talk in code with this one. I'll need to write this as if I am reading this directly to her. I enjoy writing passionately about things in my life, to remember my trials, tribulations, and manic episodes. Really makes people think a little after a second encounter with these issues of mine. I don't think many people will read these or stumble upon my page randomly because the site is kinda dead and old fashioned, and I don't think I will get help or suggestions from what people read. Feedback would be nice, I am not looking for sympathy here, I am just simply sharing my thoughts on a blog page on the internet. I didn't sleep very well last night so my brain is mush and I am blaming some of it on this.I didn't really feel like getting out of bed today, despite all the sounds and lights going on aside from the chatter between tenants. let's backtrack to where it all began. We met in a group setting, I was the one who opened the door for her. I have moved on to an apartment with 3 other dudes so we have someone essentially coming to babysit with us from 4 pm to about 8:30 at Max. We are a special group of people on the autistic spectrum with aspergers. Some of us have more special needs than others... back on track when I first saw her and noticed the red and black sporty clothing that she wore, internally I was like "HOLY SHIT" "Don't scare her" Then I noticed her cool socks and other things about her and knew she had a great fashion sense, I wondered if she was a model, I was like, "damn." she and I didn't like the intrusive questions given to us, we like to find out about people as time goes along. She got some cool points for that. So time went on and she came twice more with another babysitter. She helped cook in the kitchen, she has a detailed, organized way to slice and dice things such as tomatoes. I noticed she was rather intelligent while making food with her. My Cooking day is Monday, and fast forwarding a little bit, we have been making damn good meals. I mean, we work together, and she knows what she's doing, so that's great. I hope it doesn't sound sexist that I say she is good in the kitchen. Girl's got some skills, a great god given gifts on both ends of the spectrum inside and out. At first it was a lot more difficult to concentrate due to my OCD taking over and sexualizing almost everything, scanning her hand movements and her while I was peeling carrots and potatoes. A little innocent peak here and there, I didn't full on gawk at her, still to this day, I can't look at her in the face, I think it's partially an Asperger's thing, I was red like a Tomato... but I try to respect her as much as I can. I think a lot, but I don't say much. That quote was from an old post on Tumblr back in the Beatrice Days where she was manically depressed and I tried to help her, only to fail. Her Tumblr page was like a goldmine for subliminal sadness much like this blog. It's getting better I think, some days are worse than others where parts of me are triggered and I get a rush of blood to the heard fantasizing about stuff... and that is where the story began to open up,I felt like she was interrogating me on Eshar's behalf, trying to get information out that he couldn't crack me with. Eshar Manages the Housing and work life of the tennants among many of the shekel apartments. as I slowly began to become myself around her, joking around, asking her questions about her talents (such as photography, editing, singing, great knowledge of computers (she is custom building her own with the help of others so she can edit the heavy footage / photos from her big camera because her 2016 Macbook just can't hold up anymore, we went over her parts yesterday and it sounded like a powerful gaming computer with possible RGB and fancy water cooling), game design and cooking) I also tried teaching her English from one of the free books in the local neighborhood library. so far that book and the smorgasboard of Tea and stuff in my closet is becoming handy, giving me a little more time to spend with her doing something legitimately. I did a full send on her last week where I just kept the jokes and happiness coming and spewing out of my voicebox right into her ears processing through her brain. So anyways, we have been obligated to a day of conversation once a week thanks to one of the guys in charge Eshar in case I have something bothering me or need someone to talk to since he is never there and Doesn't give us much time to speak with him because he is apparently very busy all time time between work and family, so that was the spark that lit this fuse to open my past back up and started typing this. I had flashbacks last night which triggered me devastatingly. I played some old music from Paint By Numbers from the Band Calendar for Preston, and scrolled through my old posts, trying to remember what was on there so in case she wants to pick at one of them, I will have some idea which dramatic issue it was from. She gave me 3 options for a place to meet, either inside as we did, outside along the usual path for a walk, or in my room of which I said it was only for eshar and didn't really explain why I didn't want her in my room due to possible sexual promiscuity, and dirty thoughts / hallucinations of us in my bed just doing stuff. So we had our first meeting where she ended up asking me about my struggles with my OCD, then following up on the same dissecting the fact that I liked her, she started to open me up like a book with many pages and chapters. after I told her what was on my mind she suggested seeing her as a little sister, so I did. No incest going on over here. I told her that I have had struggles with women all over this blog, but I didn't tell her too much. When she sat across from me at the table, just smiling, I told her I didn't want to talk about it. However, she does not know the History of what I went through at thrive when I was around Chistians trying to keep a good mentality. I didn't want to damage her with my thoughts. I didn't share some of the worst ones about what happens to my body or if she is on my radar, close to me, and somewhat engaged. She asked me what is good in life instead, but then we backpedaled and talked about the issues about sexual innuendos and clothing. I didn't pull a Yonatan Card Claiming it was a coping mechansim to think and say all these things to keep me a float / vertical / stable .etc I think she processed everything well, but may have been a little stiff like I was afterwards. I felt a little bit of tension in there as well. I hope she didn't take it personally, I tried not to. When we just chat normally, it's a little elating, and I really do enjoy it, even if it's awkward, or forced even though we had already been talking since we both got home about work (on how I don't get paid and stuff, I showed her the "Paycheck" I got and she didn't understand it) life, and regular non deep topics. I see it as an excited dog who is happy to see it's owner when they come home, except I don't jump on them. I kinda feel like I get sucked into a conversation with real topics, and my OCD just wants more and won't let go. I didn't even get a chance to sit and rest on my computer (which I nicknamed my wife, since I can't call her that)since I got home after going to the bathroom The whole thing triggered my anxiety, stress, PTSD, and compulsive thoughts, and maybe a little bit of depression knowing that the path where this is going is very south. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust internally, but just a little. She is here for us, much like the other two that come on the other days, so I don't think there will be blocking on whatsapp, or completely avoiding / deflecting me when she comes to babysit over us because we need to communicate. Pretty sure none of us are going to be leaving the apartment life soon. We both seem to enjoy going for walks together, but she seems to know all the routes ***I don't think I wrote any posts about Amanda, or Katie in the blog, but it's a similar experience, (she was a very outgoing pretty blonde with many curves and everything a guy or girl could ask for, she was also a great teacher in Sociology, everyone loved her and flocked to her room all the time)*** except she comes twice a week into our personal living space... besides being a snitch about the keys to the money box, I haven't found many flaws in her ways. she seems to be good at everything she does. I'm super happy she doesn't smoke, and likes to keep things clean and organized like me. She has a small nose ring, but it's not extruding out of her nostrils because it's small. No Tattoos to my knowledge either. She did not attend the regular Army here she did Sherut Leumi which is basically the same thing without the uniform as I understand, but she seems like a tough girl when it counts, on the inside, and outside mentally, or physically if she can handle my jokes along with the three other boys in the house . she looks like a butterfly, but she could sting like a bee behind your back to an extent, not really sure about her transparency yet. I am not sure if she is single, but she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend like the other ladies did, either way, I don't think I would have a chance, at least in this environment, but hey, it could happen in my fantasy world. Age isn't important, but to my knowledge she is 24, I am 32, so like we're 8 years apart like davedays and lisanova. I told my roommate all the good things I remembered about our chat yesterday, and was like "How can I not be attracted to her?" and he said "I know how you feel" assuming he's been in the same vulnerable situation that I was experiencing. So far, I've slipped at least two times crossing the line with the jokes. The first thing was I had some money left over and she said I can buy a Bazooka, (Israeli bubble gum) and "I said, but I already have one". The other was when she lent her mask to one of my roommates, and he acted all excited about it and I said "it's not like she lent you her panties" We are getting to know each other personally and I am becoming less shy to talk to her. Let's hope my OCD won't ruin whatever relationship or platonic acquaintanceship that we have. Google gave me a few quotes and the one that stuck out to me was that I was waiting for something that wasn't going to happen i.e a legit relationship out of the friend zone. She had broken me during the morning hours I woke up the next day, but maybe there will be a recovery stage, google was pretty wordy with that. We have had at least one really good night, which lasted until the next morning when I got to work on time and was in a good mood where nothing could bring me down. I think she is enjoying our company, and the feeling is mutual with us. I won't know unless I ask her or read her journals, she offered to get me one but I typed everything out here instead because I get enough Journals at the place I volunteer at, Placing stickers on them all day long, and organizing them. I think we will be fine, and maximum nobody would call the police on me or lock me up for my borderline accidental sexual harassment at her job. I wish I could get a hold of the recent journals they have on us to see what she had written from her perspective, maybe if I ask, since it's nothing majorly personal, and is about us. Even then, not much to gain, but still, if I want at it, I will find a way without it being creepy or clearly for malintent, or not being blatantly obvious about my intentions. I'm not sure if she really realizes what this whole fiasco has caused me internally. I can't currently do it on our home computer like I used to when guy left himself logged in to his google drive to to a program called "Time Fix" and our computer being a useless piece of garbage that freezes a lot even when nothing is open and no programs are taking up space or memory on the hard drive like Shmuel (the logistics guy) blamed it all on Yonatan (Housemate) and his many gigs of data downloaded on to the hard drive. it's not like I can just pull the imaginary wool from over her concealed eyeballs. I noticed she shakes her legs a lot, I don't know if its from anxiousness, excitment, cramps, or something else on her mind, but I may ask her about how she is feeling, I probably feel the same way, but most of my feelings are kept underneath my skin, and hiding. Google didn't help with helping me find an answer, it just took me to pages about orgasm... and she definitely isn't doing that. I don't think a fat, hairy out of shape 32 year old with many disabilities would turn her on, I mean, she doesn't seem to respond back with the same love to my knowledge. Maybe just my Eyes because many people looked at them and said they were special. Who knows, maybe I am her type, and she is shy about it? She is still like an empty canvas, with untouched sheets of clay... but hey, I associated all the previous people with this song when times were low and depressing. When she accidentally left our whatsapp group, my heart was confused, and broken, but time should heal everything, it's only been about a day since the tragic events. Been writing this and adding more to it for so long that I forgot that I am even talking about another person and her feelings. I feel better now after I let it out, but it's still uncomfortable. Reverse Hugs are secretly fun. Journaling so it can become etched within the internet as long as blogger stays up.

My Night From Hell! / Israel 2018 Update

Oh hello there people of the interwebs. I am here to express my rage for tonight. All my rage is coming out in this typing of mine because I am furious that my night was such a hell, but luckily I lived through it and discovered a few places down the road... first things first... I am typing in notepad because open office was being gay and going backwards and unaligned... anyways... my night started out easy by taking the bus from home and then the train to city hall. I was on my way to a job networking workshop for new olim.I took my Big Bag, my Resume, a Pen, a Stack of Paper, some nice ish pants, formal shirt, the fanciest jacket that I have without cuts or wholes that I made such as in my Russel Sweaters due to it always folding on my neck and strying to stab and strangle me with every movement through my T shirt and I was on my way. I couldn't fit all my stuff comfortably in my computer bag so I said "whatever, it's not gonna matter" I got off the Train and started walking to where I think the place was, but it wasn't there. Then I went along with my GPS going backwards because I was stubborn. Took me wayyyy out of the way in circles, down dead ends, and long, dark ally's that required me to use my Torch App because it was Pitch Black, People could get hurt or something down there... I eventually made it to Shivtey Israel #22 where the workshop was, but it was under construction so I went up and down the street and tried to follow the tiny pictures that Galina (a Russian Lady in charge) sent us all in an email, but it was pitch black so that didn't help so much. I walked down another few Alleys through sharp rocks and very unpaved roads which was terrible for me and for my Poor Souls in my Shoes. I don't know how they haven't torn apart yet, but for $30 Shekels, they've lasted at least two months though rough roads and what I like to call "Israel Rape" I think I got Glass in my Shoes, there was scar at the bottom of my foot.... I was out of Civilization, and all I saw were Hassidic Jews outside their homes, and construction zones which I had to evade as good as possible. The Area had some good nooks and crannies to it. I saw the Shivtey Israel street where the Train goes, along side what looked like Damascus Gate, or another Highly Arab Area... I got rather anxious that something may happen late at night (around 7:45) but luckily nothing happened. I eventually got to another Bus Stop where I made an Emergency Call to Galina and she helped me with getting there, even coming outside to guide me. She Told me to Put #16 in my GPS for a better Address, I went back and found that place but it was someone's private home, so then she said it was #15 so I walked past it... Then I saw the Gift Shop she kept pointing out, went down the street, and met up with her... Firstly, the Building didn't have any signs on it that said "15" or even aa building name, which hindered my finding the place. I was looking for "Young Adult Center" or something Then she took me to a Ramp, and down stairs, and more levels down until we saw the room of which the workshop was happening. I was there very late so I missed the Theory part, and the video examples from a show that had a dude names Michael who was having interviews and doing funny things... There was some really cheap salad food, coffee, Large Bottle of Coke, Grape Prigat that got finished rather quickly so I had to take the water from the questionable coffee maker water dispenser thing that was really sketchy and covered in stains. Dip and all the plastic you could imagine... The Room was Medium sized, but it was a bit messy. The Building seemed to have students in the other rooms, it was like a cool place to chill and learn. They kept bringing in places of delicious looking food that they ate outside the window. We kept having to shuush them because they were making noise. I checked out the Portal later but it was just an outside exit, nothing special. I was wondering were they got all their food from but never figured it out. Lots on Young Students not much older than me. Apparently there was a Yoga Studio Downstairs, and a Library, Coffee Place, and probably more. It felt like a college. We were in Quadrant 5 or something related to IBM / Intel / Science Galore. It looked like a nice place to work, study, or just hang out on the many couches. The Bathrooms in there were nicer than average, they maintained both of them well. I used the Disabled Toilet both times, seemed like a nicer one than the Airport, that's saying a lot. So after the Videos Played, 5 Managers from different Jobs came in and we got to ask them questions, while giving us good pointers and tips for jobs in Israel. The Women talked more than the men. There were people from around the world like from Europe, France, Spain and probably more because not all of them spoke... so blah blah blah went on and I went to talk to Galiah and she asked me where I was from and I said Philadelphia, she didn't want my Resume even though it was a pain to carry it all the way, and keep it safe and straight because this is Israel, and we are Scarce on Envelopes... and other things too. I call it "The Daily Dose of Bullshit" because shit happens every day and I hate it here when that happens making my trip here worse and my desire to leave this place and fly to my home in Philly, to be with my real computer, bed, sheets, food, stores that are normal, and a car... so I walked out to what I thought was the train station (and it was) and I was right on Shivtey Israel... I realized when I walked towards where the Train Passed... I knew it was close too, and I just turned right instead of left and was in a spirally zig zag for a while... Well, at least I know where it is now if I happen to go again, which is not likely. However, I do want to research the building a little bit to see what programs are there that may not be on the program guide that I swiped from the pile on the back table... it looked like a really nice place so I'm going to invest! There may be some friends I could meet, and they may happen to be female and single, but dudes are good too, I don't discriminate. Overall, it was informative for everyone. I felt like I was being Brushed off at a few points, seeing that galina didn't really chat with me, and the other lady (idit) didn't even pay attention to me or even say hello, but I got her card so I can be in contact... I walked all the way to Davida square to figure out where Abraham Hostel was form when I go there for Hummus Dinner / Tour thingy on November 4th. I've never actually walked back there before in my entire life, it was pretty nice, there's even a mini market back there which is open all the time so that's a plus if I actually can book a room in the hostel. I nearly fell down their open portal literal whole in the bottom the their store that led to their underground storage area, luckily, I saw it. I saw that the Market had Legit American Boxes of Cereal, Raisin Bran, Cap'n Crunch and a few other things that you could tell were authentic and not Israeli Monoplied with their ugly stickers all over their sides, only the nutrition facts and that's it, the Back of the Boxes had the cartoons and colorful art on it, I'm gonna get some stuff back there when I need it.  I looked inside through the glass door to see the lobby area which young dudes and chicks from all over the place, I was too shy to open the Door and Wander in there... after that I walked up and Down Yafo to Machane Yehuda, it was 9:30 so everything was closing but I walked up and down it anyways... Then I proceeded to ben Yehuda and Ha Histadrut Street where a local Super Pharm can be found and open till midnight, so I went to walk around in there to see their stock but saw nothing desirable. My Bag was already heavy with my Water so I just left with nothing as usual. The place is more full of employees and security at night so it's a little safer and there if you need help with finding stuff or staying alive... after that I went to the Bus Stop and hopped on the back the a 75 Bus eventually getting of at Keren Ha Yesod, Shalom Aleichem and walking up through a street called "Mendele Mocher Sefarim" (Our Rabbi’s Son is Named Mendel) which is the quickest and safest route to get from Jabotinsky to the Main Road and Busses or Keren Ha Yesod. Sometimes I take my new Route on Arlozorov Street, which is a Shortcut to Kakal Street and the other Bus Stop of which I took the 71 Bus to Ramot that one day to volunteer at Ezrat Avot, which was a pain to find, and worse to walk through just for my shoes, but the work itself was fine. I worked with another dude, a lady named Sharon, a Chinese lady named Shirley, we over stuffed begs with Cans or Chick Peas, Tahini, Pasta, Rice, 2 Liter Bottles of Sprite, some kidney beans and a few more things I probably forgot, but the bags were already ripping and full. we worked till 4:00 and made at least 70 bags on Pallets. We were in the Warehouse... yadda yadda yadda I took a few buses home that day and discovered another mall which I haven't Explored yet. So Far my Favorite place to volunteer was and  enjoyed working at was yad Ezra and Shulamit, somewhere in center city in the back of a well maintained warehouse, down a windy road I got pretzels and a robe that's currently helping stay warm. It was cleaner and felt more like fun less like work. Also, Miri was a lot nicer, outgoing and intimate as if she really cared for us and thanked us for coming. She was American so she Spoke Proper English in  a very pleasurable way... There was another place my mom and I wanted to go called "Pantry Packers" who recently had a face lift. Unfortunately, we could not find it going all the way up, down, sideways down the same road... Back then I didn't have a smart phone, or their phone number so we ended up going to breech the home center and then to the Talpiot mall, proceeding with supersol, which is the second best one besides the one on Agron just a short walk from us, that store has almost everything. All the stores have unique items in it, like imports from American and such, so you gotta know where to find what you want, eventually, you can learn like I am doing now. We've been here since August 22nd so it's a little over 2 months now. It Started out pretty crappily because I couldn't sleep, and I had anxiety, bad habits of sleeping late, and was not used to the air / tiny bed my grandmother had. I was used to my big bed, so I kept hitting the wall repeatedly at night which hurt me a little bit, and my glasses started to get scuffed up and mangled from moving the nose pads and cleaning them a lot with my tiny cleaning cloths. A few days later, I split from my Mom to an Air Bnb very close to where I am now on Lincoln street, Lindsay was managing it but I only saw her once, she worked till 10:00 and left early in the morning when I was sleeping, she was pretty young and kinda cute. The Heat Bothered me the most there, but the house itself was quite alright. I had a night with really bad panic attacks to a point where  I couldn't even sit still like a few years ago, so I went out in search of a doctor, called a few numbers, walking around endlessly, eventually ending up at a Chabbad House in Rechavia, where I made friends with Yisroel Goldberg and his son who fed me crackers and water. I was in bad shape so I asked them to call an ambulance so they did and I went to Shaare Tzedek for the night where it took forever to get checked and every movement I had made with the IV needle in me hurt like hell. I walked around most of the night freezing my ass off due to only getting a stretcher for as a bed in the middle of the hallway with very bright lights and sounds going on in the ER. It sucked to be there but at least I found my doctor and some medication to help keep me sane and calm. I was  thankful to get out of  there, not that it helped, but still, being out was better. They took my Blood over there so I was woozy, the Water Fountain was very Splashy, and the entire building that I explored was rather dull and boring, but I learned my way around. So I got back to the ER and the lady took out the needle from my arm and gave me some sleeping pills (Lorivan I think?) and gave me a decent place to put my glasses, I think I passed out sitting up because the bed was even smaller and rather high up. That night was hell #1 for me since I've been back after a 5 year hiatus. I thought I was having De Ja Vu, but it wore off eventually , and I started putting my contacts in, realized we ere going to be here for a while. I found a place called center one right next to the central bus station and a store called Halperin, where I payed about $400 for two 30 day Boxes of Contacts, later I went to a super Pharm in Pizgat Ze'ev and they said it was much cheaper, and it was so that calmed me down a little knowing that contact ordering does exist over here... after that I discovered some protein bars that I began eating on the go, which were pretty good, I began to Horde from there slowly but surely, clearing another box like a I have in America, except this one has 3 floors, and is in a closet. I visited the mall and walked around the mini store every day, so I learned about that area very well. I started taking the train more often, it was so easy, and rather empty for a while because we were both the first, and last stop.  Eventually we moved out to a larger house down the neighborhood which we had to customize a lot, and clean thoroughly from all the dirt and dust that accumulated from Marlena and Edwin being away on vacation not being able to clean, with the cleaning lady there to help. That house is where I fell in love and began my addiction to a Television channel called "Jim Jam" I watched it every day. There were lots of supplies and memories in the house so we gradually used them. Plenty of Towels and other Bathroom Amenities for our use. We were there during the hot part of the summer, and AC unit Promised was small and barely made one room cold, it stuck in the office. There was a lamp there that hit my Glasses and window making noise every single time where was wind, so it became the most evil, dusty, dirty, room in the house. The Carpets and Pillows were not that great, I only found one of two that fit my head and back at night, the blankets were alright for the time being. There were insects and mosquitos attacking us on some nights, but we slept through them. After that house we moved to center city to an old apartment on Tkoa Street Sharing a Small Place with Lauren, then to a private room in Pizgat ze'ev for a week with our French Host Nicole who supplied us with Soup and 2 Large Liters of Bottled Water until October 7th when we moved here, to the House at Jabotinsky Street. Right by the bus stop for the 13, and plenty of tour busses. We're also close to the Jerusalem Theatre and Art Places in the neighborhood. Shabbat is very peaceful here... I walk around every week, even the Nassi (not to be confused with Nazi) lives here. He's got a big house with tons of guards and protection. Lots of Government Buildings here, and cards with "CD" on their White License Plates for United Nations and other Municipal Vehicles, like the president has his array of Cadillac’s and black Chevy trucks for instance. Plenty of things to see here that you'd never see in Philadelphia so at least that's good. I just Wish the Sun would come into this house more so that it wouldn't be so dark / cold over here. Days are getting shorter so, I gotta get up earlier and move out during the day and not just at night. I will keep on Managing as much as I can. At least I only got Sick twice here, once in the head, and once with a 2 day cold of which I took a Medicine called "Broncholate" which I misread as "Chocolate" the first time I saw it. It make me rather hot and sleepy. Luckily, it happened in the house where there were plenty of Small Towels I could use on my Nose at my Disposal.

 I got home around 11:00 tonight, made some Tea and Pasta which is probably cold by now. Then I vented. My Fingers are tired. Hopefully you enjoyed this post. I'm not sure if I'll blog often, but we shall see. Good Night! 

Very Rough Draft.

 Hello it looks like I am writing another blog post because a few things have been going on in my life they are from all over the place and really out of order but I am collecting my thoughts at the moment okay so let me start with the boring stuff I am currently unemployed not making money living with my parents and trying to handle life as best I can wishing if I could find something to occupy my time with that is efficient. Everyone in my house wants me to succeed but I have not been able to do that with the resources that I have. I did go to a few interviews but they didn't seem to promising I went local and little bit long distance and the interviews went well but I'm pretty sure that they're hiring other people. Anyway I would like to write about my circle of friends that is seemingly depleting and slowly melting away from what it was. I almost feel the need to move on yet again, and find another group where I fit in and feel that i should be there inclusively, and not let these cliques take over our group as they have been. I have yet to express myself to a leader, although he's heard it already and the conversation happened a while ago. I crave love and friendship. I can't get that at home, or in many places, it's scarce.  Let me start by saying what I did on the last day with a good friend on Monday. There was a post from her asking for help or hanging out over on the group wall the that I was the only one who responded to it from the 50 people that saw it. Not even her close friends who visited her at the clinic seemed to respond to my knowledge. Then again, I can't see their posts because they blocked me on Facebook. That makes me sad, the worse thing is that there was a multitude of pictures posted of people gathering together, moving stuff from house to house, and playing video games together like NBA Jam without a care in the world for a friend they once loved and supported. I am very disappointed with people, it upset me quite a bit. The other set of people were on their anniversary, so they technically did not want to disturb that moment in their lives. I can't be mad about that. this particular friend was leaving the state for a while to better herself on a vacation type trip away from Pennsylvania and her parents and family because as my family is she is also in a  dysfunctional family so I am in the same boat when it comes to wanting to escape to somewhere better where people are logical and are able to get along with others well AKA a real friendship where communication is present and love is felt. The both of us we're unhappy but we ended up having lunch at Panera after going to the nail salon. We were going to go to the bookstore across the street but we did not have time because she had to pack for her flight 10:30 while waking up at 6:45 in the morning. She is writing a book exposing all the bad mental hospitals and stuff. I read some of her work on her blog. It went deep, and detailed like my literature.  I dropped her off at home went in and met her two lovely dogs and watched her pack and fold laundry which getting a full tour of her house which was nice. There was a large backyard, with a picnic table, a grill, a tree, and lots of green. The basement has lots of old hand made things, records, music, a Piano, Bar, Couch and other fun stuff down there. I really enjoyed seeing her family pictures up on the wall. They made me smile. she had one suitcase and two with her I saw all of her clothing including her unmentionables and other items. I felt so close that i was inclined to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I didn't really wanna push it. She was the only local Jewish girl that I knew, which was a plus. It's just a title... I didn't want to do naughty things with her. One day though hopefully I can break up with my hand / wrist / palm / porn addiction that I have and do the real thing. My V Card is still fresh and clean, never even kissed a girl. The Farthest I got was a hug, but nobody really wants me for some reason. They are missing out on something potentially awesome. I realized It won't exactly make me happy but, I still want something, a soulmate, partner, someone to live my life with. I get more jealous from all the engagements and marriages going around. We are at that age though, hopefully, we can find each other and maybe our lives could improve. I was fine being friends and wanted to avoid my past tragic mistakes with women from my past and some present people I have had issues with. She is 30, I am 27... pretty sure thats not cougar age yet. She had to pack things without alcohol, and the tops needed sleeves because it was co ed and it would be a distraction for the boys. She had a nice decorated room, that was neat like mine. There were dolls, and teddy bears much like my room but a bit smaller. During that time we fed her two cats and dogs. Zoey had a Heart Murmur,  she cried and whimpered while with us, and tried to escape when the door was open. She even tried crawling in the suitcase. That dog also has trouble with one of his eyes, but the doctor will see him soon. There was so much loving coming from that dog. It was a rescued dog from a previous abusive owner, so he was attached to her and followed her around nonstop. I felt move love from that than all of crossroads combined she's going to be a therapy dog one day, although she kinda already is one. Then I met her parents who were really nice people to my understanding I took a ride with them to a meeting which was 5 minutes away I gave my friend a big hug and watched her walk away.after that her mom and I talked on the way back to her house and we connected via social media so we could keep in contact between ourselves and my friend. She lives on a funny named set of streets that apparently used to be farmland. It seemed like a nice place, but also very weird, like enough to make you think you're on drugs and give you schizophrenia when you go outside. After that I went back to the mall area, saw my Israeli friend at her dejavu booth, and Shannon from American Eagle. It was short. Then I went to my routine stops at giant and Walmart where I picked up a few things and enjoyed the nice weather, despite having a headache it was good.

The emotional pictures in my newsfeed are coming back. I am starting to listen to certain music again such as soft Green Day music. I have overcome going to that place in my mind before I'm pretty sure I am not at that stage yet but hopefully I will not get there go Manic and drive people crazy yet again. Since I don't have a job I have become a lazy bum I don't work out I don't walk around anywhere I just sit and stay at home maybe I will get a gym membership or something because I need it. I technically do not have anything to leave my house for besides shopping and seeing friends at the moment so my life is melting away and Swinging away up and down and my parents do not appreciate it very much and we agree that we need a change in my life including selling the car and getting me a one bedroom apartment as soon as possible so I can really live on my own as long as it's affordable. I am hoping we can find a good place before it's too late because I've been having this bad cough and inflammation  and I went to see the doctor and she said I might be dying of pneumonia so I got an x-ray and she didn't say anything she gave me a inhaler that supposed to help but it did not. Summer is ending in the weather is getting nice so I will be walking around outside more often then be at home on my computer despite the amount of videos I watch on YouTube.I have two HP Computers now and I love them. This is the nice part of the season before it gets really cold and dark earlier in the day. The Holidays are coming. Trying lots of new foods and posting pictures of my discoveries on my Instagram.  There are local things I never noticed that I didn't known existed here , it's cool to see them. Okay, that is all for now.


*Add Parts about seeing Alexa at Walmart. In Pretzel Factory. She leaves on the 25th (Tomorrow) also moving to Florida with her Mom.

Feeling like an outsides or outcast. fuck those people though. Yael has rubbed off on me a bit. I need to use my Brain to it's full potential in a positive way.

Ahhhh... Saladworks... I remember the day I walked in during one of my walks after

walking around the area on gorgeous days outside walking past the hiring sign. I went in

a Graham was there working, I asked if he was hiring and he said yes, so I gave him my

info on a piece of paper and soon I got a call from Aleah the manager there saying to

come in for an interview. it was still summertime and it was warm. I was just coming off

my Job at Dettera in search for another job. Aleah was very nice and pleasant to interview

with. It went rather smoothly. She was younger than I am but she was happy and ran things

quite well. She taught me everything from the beginning, and then I met Preston and

Christina who helped guide me through my first week of mixing, making, floating, but most

of all washing the Dishes. I proceeded to learn about the Cash Register, the Rolls,

Bagging things up, and all the other stuff encompassing the Register area. I got really

good at it. As time went on I learned to clean tables, take out trash like my First Job

at the Masonic Village Nursing Home. That was easy stuff to do. Sometimes I had odd tasks

like cleaning the counters, glass, the bathrooms, and the mirror in the dining room.

Moving forward I also learned how to prep some ingredients and learned where everything

was in the case, and what kinds of salads we had, and what was in them. I know all of

them now but still look at the ingredients posted just to make sure I am doing it right.

Some people make changes sometimes but it's cool because it all costs the same unless you

get extra stuff, such as Dressing, Rolls, or more than whatever is in the salad that

you've ordered. Recently we had to raise our prices due to being bankrupt and not making

our business efficient enough to run on the budget that Dave, the owner had. Eventually

Aleah left and Gabby took her place. She made a few changes to the store and the food,

she was like a mom therapist kind of GM who everyone came to talk with when then had any

issues. Towards the middle we had our issues with washing dishes in the sink, too many

people telling me what to do, and just being plain old overwhelmed, pressured, and

stressed out from all the commotion. She was supposed to leave us with a new Manager but

she never came. Now that the store is shutting down, we will never know what would have

happened under new management. Then I met Deanna, I called her Deanna Banana because of a

show on TV called container wars where there was a group of Israelis making fun of this

lady named Danna, they made fun of her a lot. Eventually, Hadeer, Quierra, Charles, and

Carl came into the mix and things changed. Something in the air I guess? Hadeer was a

little power hungry, she and Quierra were made managers. Everyone else was already working

there like Jessica, Deanna, Christina, and Preston who we used to jam with blasting his

tunes out of his phone on our old school Radio System. They fired him and I'm still not

sure why, be he was the man, he had swag, and at one point he had Deanna, but I'm pretty

sure they are separated but still in contact. I think the two of them are really into

black guys, I may be wrong but... judging by some of the music I've heard from their

Phones, they like the African American Boys, not someone such as myself, not as far as

looks go anyway. I'll get back to that later. I met Jessica one day when she walked out

of the Bathroom, I thought she was Deanna, I had to look twice. She used to work at our

saladworks, but left, and Deanna got her Job back for her. She taught me some things

including stacking silverware, and making some better meals. She and her sister really

enjoy Karaoke, their family motto is "Sing like nobody's watching" we had a few days were

we sat together, and jammed along to music, Carl joined in sometimes and it was a lot of

fun knowing we have similar music tastes. My love for them got stronger over time, maybe

even too strong because they both mentioned me making them uncomfortable to Gabby... I

had a chat with Jessica, she said most of what was said is total bullshit, and she was

there just for the check and that's it. The both of them were always full of spunk,

happy, cheerful, and a light in my day, besides their looks, I really enjoyed their

company and valued their friendship. They even said I was a nice guy but they didn't seek

and interest in getting together outside the work environment. Jess told her boy toy

about me, but only good things. Deanna and I haven't gotten to a concrete answer because

when I mentioned inviting her to things she was up in the air and told me "I am so done

with this place" in the end she was always there to save us when nobody else was there.

She was a real delight to chat with. I stuck around the entire day just to get a few

words in, and be able to spend time and cherish what was left of our saladworks lifeline.

They would have rather I left, but I stayed not for selfish, creepy stalkerish reasons

but... it was a way to hang out without having to ask them and being denied of that

privilege. it hurts to know that the other people you love and care about don't feel the

same way. They are nice and appreciate it but, we're not exactly friends. At the end of

the day, we're just regular old people working together. This whole week has been full of

shock, stress, emotion, plenty of overthinking, depression, and insomniatic nights when I

can't seem to sleep despite my melatonin or other sleeping supplements that make me

drowsy and fall asleep. When you're full of anxiety, you could A.D.D and walk around for

hours and hours like I did today and not even notice because your brain was somewhere

completely different in an alternative universe away from society somewhere in lala land.

Life is Short, and sticking to one thing for the rest of your life isn't too great. Going

out to different jobs teaches you how real life is, and how society is. If you're

comfortable in a situation, you're not in the right place. You need motivation to strive

and get goals done in life. If you devote all your time to something that's irrelevant

and doesn't matter, you'll be wasting it away, I do that a lot, but it tends to help

clear my mind. I enjoy reading it after a while when I forget about it. I look at this

stuff and say, "oh yeah, that actually happened" and read it in full detail trying to

remember everything, but mostly the good times. Saladworks has fed me till now, I've only

had their Bread, Soup, and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. I don't really have much of those

anymore because it's warm out and I see the Box the Rolls come out of. The Flat Bread

comes out from the bag and is usually touched by the person making his or her sandwhich.

I enjoyed mixing all the cheese, adding the garlic spread, and being able to use the

Panini to create my own meal. Things were steady for a while and then things turned for

the worst. We argued and had heated conversation every single day, costumers heard us

bicker and complain, we were in a bad state of mind. None of us really seemed to get

along or work things out in the end. I'm pretty sure Dave heard about it, in addition to

the Bankruptcy so he was upset at all of us and now our jobs and money are gone. We only

had one week of notice too, it was a shock to all of us. Tempers Flared, and emotions

were raging beyond belief. I myself panicked and still to this day am worried about not

seeing my friends again. Especially Deanna, Jess too, but I really started to enjoy being

with Deanna more and more. Maybe there's something better out there, and god has a plan

to put me there with someone who likes me for me and not just superficially. God's love

is above all. Like the Beatles said "All you need is love, love is all you need" I had

the same situation after I left my 8 Month Employment at Walmart. I nearly Cried in

Public and in the Parking lot because I was overly upset and just sad. I still keep in

touch with a few people over facebook but that's about it. One Door Closes, and another

Door my better opportunities comes along. Unless a Miracle happens, this is it. The Final

Countdown. I will probably not forget about my experiences for a while. I've gotten to

learn so many cool things about people, and salads. We had some fancy characters and

familiar faces come in. I hope they know we're gonna be closed. lots of people feel

sympathetic are are sorry for us. They wish us the best of luck though. Luck does not

bring people together or ring in money, unless it's Gambling or something. I just need to

take a breath and let it go, just keep breathing like the We The Kings Song. Without the

Dark, the light won't show. I should learn to let it go and focus on my future at Primo

Hoagies, or the other Lab in Mongomeryville. Both seem like decent jobs. I've walked by

the Hoagie shop, it's mostly a bunch of dudes. The Manager is a Lady though, her name is

Judy and she is very polite.

***

Letter to Deanna

although you probably don't feel the same way about our friendship (at least according to Gabby) I still would like to know if your up for hanging with out some other time. Your work is impressive and your bright smile really lights up my day. We could do fun YouTube things as two good friends. We'd be doing something we both enjoy doing, and have a nice snack while you're at it. As long as you're not completely repulsed by it, I'm good. I've always wanted a friend to sit down and do something with, male or female.  I'm not trying to hook up with you, just being a friend and thinking of friendly, Enjoyable activities. I'd love to hear your thoughts. If not, I'll get over it eventually. But I will miss you, and maybe you and Jess will miss me too? Y'all are two of the best co workers I've ever met and I'm glad I did. I'd be really upset if any of us are never in contact and never see each other again. I'm a very sensitive person, and it would be sad to just forget about months of working with awesome people who really liked you for you, beyond your looks, I like the inside of you both. I still have your Number, I am hoping you'd keep mine in your Phone. I have alternative ways of contact as well. I hope it's okay that I text you once in a while. I don't intend to interject myself into your personal life because I've heard you don't like talking about it to people, I am the same. Some things are kept private for a reason. I may not have any value, but you're one of the people I intended to keep in touch with besides Michelle, Christina, maybe Gabby, Hadeer, Charles, Quierra & Carl (I'll see probably) them anyway, almost everyone there. But since I met you, you were on the top of that list and you just kept going up as we grew closer and learned about each other. Ive had it on my mind since the day I heard we were closing and have been anxious about not seeing you and losing a part of my life in Saladworks, where I was exceeding expectations and impressing Gabby always up on the line or wherever, ready to work. I'm thankful for the assistance I've gotten over time when I needed it. I have changed my life because of this job, and since its local, I'm not sure what the future is for the establishment... Guess that's up to Dave and corporate. If we would have all done our work and not create so much drama, maybe we could still have our jobs and see each other on a regular basis. I noticed we weren't making as much money as usual, especially during the afternoon and late night rush, people stopped coming and everyone who noticed the sign came up and said sorry, we're worried about our jobs, and wished us the best of luck in our future endeavors. I've also learned that Jess was an art major, she likes puppies, mandarin chicken salads, babysitting kids, and also pizza... Maybe more. She mentioned 4 Dogs and 2 Cats. I've seen them in your profile pics, very lovable like your family. Keep an open mind and don't forget to be awesome! Whatever happens, Dan will still be Dan, and he'll be able to go back to doing his thing even if it takes some time. Not like this is drastic or Tragic but... It's close. Jess mentioned people making up bullshit. We're all just here for the Paycheck, because we need to live.

I guess you could say my co workers I
called friends turned heel on me as in the wrestling business. Gabby said they only
wanted to be my friends at work and nothing else. Since I lost my friends at church and I
was getting cool with my co workers everything was moving steadily. It's falling apart
again. Soon it will be just me, myself, and I. I want you to consider us being friends, I
want to be your friend in real life, and not on facebook. Communication is a key to a
good friendship. I can meet your friends, and you could meet mine. We like to sing, and
there are always snacks. We're generally local, and Divine diverse group of people.
I've never met someone who can connect on YouTube stuff with me we really clicked on

that. I'm gonna miss that if I don't have it... for now anyways

This is my Video Update

Saladworks

Ahhhh... Saladworks... I remember the day I walked in during one of my walks after

walking around the area on gorgeous days outside walking past the hiring sign. I went in

a Graham was there working, I asked if he was hiring and he said yes, so I gave him my

info on a piece of paper and soon I got a call from Aleah the manager there saying to

come in for an interview. it was still summertime and it was warm. I was just coming off

my Job at Dettera in search for another job. Aleah was very nice and pleasant to interview

with. It went rather smoothly. She was younger than I am but she was happy and ran things

quite well. She taught me everything from the beginning, and then I met Preston and

Christina who helped guide me through my first week of mixing, making, floating, but most

of all washing the Dishes. I proceeded to learn about the Cash Register, the Rolls,

Bagging things up, and all the other stuff encompassing the Register area. I got really

good at it. As time went on I learned to clean tables, take out trash like my First Job

at the Masonic Village Nursing Home. That was easy stuff to do. Sometimes I had odd tasks

like cleaning the counters, glass, the bathrooms, and the mirror in the dining room.

Moving forward I also learned how to prep some ingredients and learned where everything

was in the case, and what kinds of salads we had, and what was in them. I know all of

them now but still look at the ingredients posted just to make sure I am doing it right.

Some people make changes sometimes but it's cool because it all costs the same unless you

get extra stuff, such as Dressing, Rolls, or more than whatever is in the salad that

you've ordered. Recently we had to raise our prices due to being bankrupt and not making

our business efficient enough to run on the budget that Dave, the owner had. Eventually

Aleah left and Gabby took her place. She made a few changes to the store and the food,

she was like a mom therapist kind of GM who everyone came to talk with when then had any

issues. Towards the middle we had our issues with washing dishes in the sink, too many

people telling me what to do, and just being plain old overwhelmed, pressured, and

stressed out from all the commotion. She was supposed to leave us with a new Manager but

she never came. Now that the store is shutting down, we will never know what would have

happened under new management. Then I met Deanna, I called her Deanna Banana because of a

show on TV called container wars where there was a group of Israelis making fun of this

lady named Danna, they made fun of her a lot. Eventually, Hadeer, Quierra, Charles, and

Carl came into the mix and things changed. Something in the air I guess? Hadeer was a

little power hungry, she and Quierra were made managers. Everyone else was already working

there like Jessica, Deanna, Christina, and Preston who we used to jam with blasting his

tunes out of his phone on our old school Radio System. They fired him and I'm still not

sure why, be he was the man, he had swag, and at one point he had Deanna, but I'm pretty

sure they are separated but still in contact. I think the two of them are really into

black guys, I may be wrong but... judging by some of the music I've heard from their

Phones, they like the African American Boys, not someone such as myself, not as far as

looks go anyway. I'll get back to that later. I met Jessica one day when she walked out

of the Bathroom, I thought she was Deanna, I had to look twice. She used to work at our

saladworks, but left, and Deanna got her Job back for her. She taught me some things

including stacking silverware, and making some better meals. She and her sister really

enjoy Karaoke, their family motto is "Sing like nobody's watching" we had a few days were

we sat together, and jammed along to music, Carl joined in sometimes and it was a lot of

fun knowing we have similar music tastes. My love for them got stronger over time, maybe

even too strong because they both mentioned me making them uncomfortable to Gabby... I

had a chat with Jessica, she said most of what was said is total bullshit, and she was

there just for the check and that's it. The both of them were always full of spunk,

happy, cheerful, and a light in my day, besides their looks, I really enjoyed their

company and valued their friendship. They even said I was a nice guy but they didn't seek

and interest in getting together outside the work environment. Jess told her boy toy

about me, but only good things. Deanna and I haven't gotten to a concrete answer because

when I mentioned inviting her to things she was up in the air and told me "I am so done

with this place" in the end she was always there to save us when nobody else was there.

She was a real delight to chat with. I stuck around the entire day just to get a few

words in, and be able to spend time and cherish what was left of our saladworks lifeline.

They would have rather I left, but I stayed not for selfish, creepy stalkerish reasons

but... it was a way to hang out without having to ask them and being denied of that

privilege. it hurts to know that the other people you love and care about don't feel the

same way. They are nice and appreciate it but, we're not exactly friends. At the end of

the day, we're just regular old people working together. This whole week has been full of

shock, stress, emotion, plenty of overthinking, depression, and insomniatic nights when I

can't seem to sleep despite my melatonin or other sleeping supplements that make me

drowsy and fall asleep. When you're full of anxiety, you could A.D.D and walk around for

hours and hours like I did today and not even notice because your brain was somewhere

completely different in an alternative universe away from society somewhere in lala land.

Life is Short, and sticking to one thing for the rest of your life isn't too great. Going

out to different jobs teaches you how real life is, and how society is. If you're

comfortable in a situation, you're not in the right place. You need motivation to strive

and get goals done in life. If you devote all your time to something that's irrelevant

and doesn't matter, you'll be wasting it away, I do that a lot, but it tends to help

clear my mind. I enjoy reading it after a while when I forget about it. I look at this

stuff and say, "oh yeah, that actually happened" and read it in full detail trying to

remember everything, but mostly the good times. Saladworks has fed me till now, I've only

had their Bread, Soup, and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. I don't really have much of those

anymore because it's warm out and I see the Box the Rolls come out of. The Flat Bread

comes out from the bag and is usually touched by the person making his or her sandwhich.

I enjoyed mixing all the cheese, adding the garlic spread, and being able to use the

Panini to create my own meal. Things were steady for a while and then things turned for

the worst. We argued and had heated conversation every single day, costumers heard us

bicker and complain, we were in a bad state of mind. None of us really seemed to get

along or work things out in the end. I'm pretty sure Dave heard about it, in addition to

the Bankruptcy so he was upset at all of us and now our jobs and money are gone. We only

had one week of notice too, it was a shock to all of us. Tempers Flared, and emotions

were raging beyond belief. I myself panicked and still to this day am worried about not

seeing my friends again. Especially Deanna, Jess too, but I really started to enjoy being

with Deanna more and more. Maybe there's something better out there, and god has a plan

to put me there with someone who likes me for me and not just superficially. God's love

is above all. Like the Beatles said "All you need is love, love is all you need" I had

the same situation after I left my 8 Month Employment at Walmart. I nearly Cried in

Public and in the Parking lot because I was overly upset and just sad. I still keep in

touch with a few people over facebook but that's about it. One Door Closes, and another

Door my better opportunities comes along. Unless a Miracle happens, this is it. The Final

Countdown. I will probably not forget about my experiences for a while. I've gotten to

learn so many cool things about people, and salads. We had some fancy characters and

familiar faces come in. I hope they know we're gonna be closed. lots of people feel

sympathetic are are sorry for us. They wish us the best of luck though. Luck does not

bring people together or ring in money, unless it's Gambling or something. I just need to

take a breath and let it go, just keep breathing like the We The Kings Song. Without the

Dark, the light won't show. I should learn to let it go and focus on my future at Primo

Hoagies, or the other Lab in Mongomeryville. Both seem like decent jobs. I've walked by

the Hoagie shop, it's mostly a bunch of dudes. The Manager is a Lady though, her name is

Judy and she is very polite.

***

Letter to Deanna

although you probably don't feel the same way about our friendship (at least according to
Gabby) I still would like to know if your up for hanging with out some other time. Your
work is impressive and your bright smile really lights up my day. We could do fun YouTube
things as two good friends. I'd love to hear your thoughts. If not, I'll get over it
eventually. But I will miss you, and maybe you and Jess will miss me too? Y'all are two
of the best co workers I've ever met and I'm glad I did. I'd be really upset if any of us
are never in contact and never see each other again. I'm a very sensitive person, and it
would be sad to just forget about months of working with awesome people who really liked
you for you, beyond your looks, I like the inside of you both. I still have your Number,
I am hoping you'd keep mine in your Phone. I have alternative ways of contact as well. I
hope it's okay that I text you once in a while. I don't intend to interject myself into
your personal life, or invade your personal space and privacy because I've heard you
don't like talking about it to people, I am the same. Some things are meant to stay
private for a reason. I may not have any value, but you're one of the people I intended
to keep in touch with besides Michelle, Christina, Preston (Who I have been keeping  up
with over Facebook) maybe Gabby, Hadeer, Charles, Quierra & Carl (I'll probably see then around McDonalds or thing anyway or talk online) almost everyone there. But since I met you, you were on the top of that list and you just kept going up as we grew closer and learned about each other. Ive had it on my mind since the day I heard we were closing and have been anxious about not seeing you
and losing a part of my life in Saladworks, where I was exceeding expectations and
impressing Gabby always up on the line or wherever, ready to work. I'm thankful for the
assistance I've gotten over time when I needed it. I have changed my life because of this
job, and since its local, I'm not sure what the future is for the establishment... Guess
that's up to Dave and corporate. If we would have all done our work and not create so
much drama,maybe we could still have our jobs and see each other on a regular basis. I
noticed we weren't making as much money as usual, especially during the afternoon and
late night rush, people stopped coming and everyone who noticed the sign came up and said
sorry, we're worried about our jobs, and wished us the best of luck in our future
endeavors. I've also learned that Jess was an art major, she likes puppies, mandarin
chicken salads, babysitting kids, and also pizza... Maybe more. She mentioned 4 Dogs and
2 Cats. I've seen them in your profile pics, very lovable like your family. Keep an open
mind and don't forget to be awesome! Whatever happens, Dan will still be Dan, and he'll
be able to go back to doing his thing even if it takes some time. Not like this is
drastic or Tragic but... It's close. Jess mentioned people making up bullshit. We're all
just here for the Paycheck, because we need to live.I guess you could say my co workers I
called friends turned heel on me as in the wrestling business. Gabby said they only
wanted to be my friends at work and nothing else. Since I lost my friends at church and I
was getting cool with my co workers everything was moving steadily. It's falling apart
again. Soon it will be just me, myself, and I. I want you to consider us being friends, I
want to be your friend in real life, and not on facebook. Communication is a key to a
good friendship. I can meet your friends, and you could meet mine. We like to sing, and
there are always snacks. We're generally local, and Divine diverse group of people.
I've never met someone who can connect on YouTube stuff with me we really clicked on
that. I'm gonna miss that if I don't have it... for now anyways