Very Rough Draft.

 Hello it looks like I am writing another blog post because a few things have been going on in my life they are from all over the place and really out of order but I am collecting my thoughts at the moment okay so let me start with the boring stuff I am currently unemployed not making money living with my parents and trying to handle life as best I can wishing if I could find something to occupy my time with that is efficient. Everyone in my house wants me to succeed but I have not been able to do that with the resources that I have. I did go to a few interviews but they didn't seem to promising I went local and little bit long distance and the interviews went well but I'm pretty sure that they're hiring other people. Anyway I would like to write about my circle of friends that is seemingly depleting and slowly melting away from what it was. I almost feel the need to move on yet again, and find another group where I fit in and feel that i should be there inclusively, and not let these cliques take over our group as they have been. I have yet to express myself to a leader, although he's heard it already and the conversation happened a while ago. I crave love and friendship. I can't get that at home, or in many places, it's scarce.  Let me start by saying what I did on the last day with a good friend on Monday. There was a post from her asking for help or hanging out over on the group wall the that I was the only one who responded to it from the 50 people that saw it. Not even her close friends who visited her at the clinic seemed to respond to my knowledge. Then again, I can't see their posts because they blocked me on Facebook. That makes me sad, the worse thing is that there was a multitude of pictures posted of people gathering together, moving stuff from house to house, and playing video games together like NBA Jam without a care in the world for a friend they once loved and supported. I am very disappointed with people, it upset me quite a bit. The other set of people were on their anniversary, so they technically did not want to disturb that moment in their lives. I can't be mad about that. this particular friend was leaving the state for a while to better herself on a vacation type trip away from Pennsylvania and her parents and family because as my family is she is also in a  dysfunctional family so I am in the same boat when it comes to wanting to escape to somewhere better where people are logical and are able to get along with others well AKA a real friendship where communication is present and love is felt. The both of us we're unhappy but we ended up having lunch at Panera after going to the nail salon. We were going to go to the bookstore across the street but we did not have time because she had to pack for her flight 10:30 while waking up at 6:45 in the morning. She is writing a book exposing all the bad mental hospitals and stuff. I read some of her work on her blog. It went deep, and detailed like my literature.  I dropped her off at home went in and met her two lovely dogs and watched her pack and fold laundry which getting a full tour of her house which was nice. There was a large backyard, with a picnic table, a grill, a tree, and lots of green. The basement has lots of old hand made things, records, music, a Piano, Bar, Couch and other fun stuff down there. I really enjoyed seeing her family pictures up on the wall. They made me smile. she had one suitcase and two with her I saw all of her clothing including her unmentionables and other items. I felt so close that i was inclined to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I didn't really wanna push it. She was the only local Jewish girl that I knew, which was a plus. It's just a title... I didn't want to do naughty things with her. One day though hopefully I can break up with my hand / wrist / palm / porn addiction that I have and do the real thing. My V Card is still fresh and clean, never even kissed a girl. The Farthest I got was a hug, but nobody really wants me for some reason. They are missing out on something potentially awesome. I realized It won't exactly make me happy but, I still want something, a soulmate, partner, someone to live my life with. I get more jealous from all the engagements and marriages going around. We are at that age though, hopefully, we can find each other and maybe our lives could improve. I was fine being friends and wanted to avoid my past tragic mistakes with women from my past and some present people I have had issues with. She is 30, I am 27... pretty sure thats not cougar age yet. She had to pack things without alcohol, and the tops needed sleeves because it was co ed and it would be a distraction for the boys. She had a nice decorated room, that was neat like mine. There were dolls, and teddy bears much like my room but a bit smaller. During that time we fed her two cats and dogs. Zoey had a Heart Murmur,  she cried and whimpered while with us, and tried to escape when the door was open. She even tried crawling in the suitcase. That dog also has trouble with one of his eyes, but the doctor will see him soon. There was so much loving coming from that dog. It was a rescued dog from a previous abusive owner, so he was attached to her and followed her around nonstop. I felt move love from that than all of crossroads combined she's going to be a therapy dog one day, although she kinda already is one. Then I met her parents who were really nice people to my understanding I took a ride with them to a meeting which was 5 minutes away I gave my friend a big hug and watched her walk away.after that her mom and I talked on the way back to her house and we connected via social media so we could keep in contact between ourselves and my friend. She lives on a funny named set of streets that apparently used to be farmland. It seemed like a nice place, but also very weird, like enough to make you think you're on drugs and give you schizophrenia when you go outside. After that I went back to the mall area, saw my Israeli friend at her dejavu booth, and Shannon from American Eagle. It was short. Then I went to my routine stops at giant and Walmart where I picked up a few things and enjoyed the nice weather, despite having a headache it was good.

The emotional pictures in my newsfeed are coming back. I am starting to listen to certain music again such as soft Green Day music. I have overcome going to that place in my mind before I'm pretty sure I am not at that stage yet but hopefully I will not get there go Manic and drive people crazy yet again. Since I don't have a job I have become a lazy bum I don't work out I don't walk around anywhere I just sit and stay at home maybe I will get a gym membership or something because I need it. I technically do not have anything to leave my house for besides shopping and seeing friends at the moment so my life is melting away and Swinging away up and down and my parents do not appreciate it very much and we agree that we need a change in my life including selling the car and getting me a one bedroom apartment as soon as possible so I can really live on my own as long as it's affordable. I am hoping we can find a good place before it's too late because I've been having this bad cough and inflammation  and I went to see the doctor and she said I might be dying of pneumonia so I got an x-ray and she didn't say anything she gave me a inhaler that supposed to help but it did not. Summer is ending in the weather is getting nice so I will be walking around outside more often then be at home on my computer despite the amount of videos I watch on YouTube.I have two HP Computers now and I love them. This is the nice part of the season before it gets really cold and dark earlier in the day. The Holidays are coming. Trying lots of new foods and posting pictures of my discoveries on my Instagram.  There are local things I never noticed that I didn't known existed here , it's cool to see them. Okay, that is all for now.


*Add Parts about seeing Alexa at Walmart. In Pretzel Factory. She leaves on the 25th (Tomorrow) also moving to Florida with her Mom.

Feeling like an outsides or outcast. fuck those people though. Yael has rubbed off on me a bit. I need to use my Brain to it's full potential in a positive way.