About A Girl - 2021 Update

I must remain anonymous when typing this one, she has a link that takes her to this blog and we may be reading this one together. She's not fluent in English, but she'll probably understand a good chunk of this.I don't think I can really talk in code with this one. I'll need to write this as if I am reading this directly to her. I enjoy writing passionately about things in my life, to remember my trials, tribulations, and manic episodes. Really makes people think a little after a second encounter with these issues of mine. I don't think many people will read these or stumble upon my page randomly because the site is kinda dead and old fashioned, and I don't think I will get help or suggestions from what people read. Feedback would be nice, I am not looking for sympathy here, I am just simply sharing my thoughts on a blog page on the internet. I didn't sleep very well last night so my brain is mush and I am blaming some of it on this.I didn't really feel like getting out of bed today, despite all the sounds and lights going on aside from the chatter between tenants. let's backtrack to where it all began. We met in a group setting, I was the one who opened the door for her. I have moved on to an apartment with 3 other dudes so we have someone essentially coming to babysit with us from 4 pm to about 8:30 at Max. We are a special group of people on the autistic spectrum with aspergers. Some of us have more special needs than others... back on track when I first saw her and noticed the red and black sporty clothing that she wore, internally I was like "HOLY SHIT" "Don't scare her" Then I noticed her cool socks and other things about her and knew she had a great fashion sense, I wondered if she was a model, I was like, "damn." she and I didn't like the intrusive questions given to us, we like to find out about people as time goes along. She got some cool points for that. So time went on and she came twice more with another babysitter. She helped cook in the kitchen, she has a detailed, organized way to slice and dice things such as tomatoes. I noticed she was rather intelligent while making food with her. My Cooking day is Monday, and fast forwarding a little bit, we have been making damn good meals. I mean, we work together, and she knows what she's doing, so that's great. I hope it doesn't sound sexist that I say she is good in the kitchen. Girl's got some skills, a great god given gifts on both ends of the spectrum inside and out. At first it was a lot more difficult to concentrate due to my OCD taking over and sexualizing almost everything, scanning her hand movements and her while I was peeling carrots and potatoes. A little innocent peak here and there, I didn't full on gawk at her, still to this day, I can't look at her in the face, I think it's partially an Asperger's thing, I was red like a Tomato... but I try to respect her as much as I can. I think a lot, but I don't say much. That quote was from an old post on Tumblr back in the Beatrice Days where she was manically depressed and I tried to help her, only to fail. Her Tumblr page was like a goldmine for subliminal sadness much like this blog. It's getting better I think, some days are worse than others where parts of me are triggered and I get a rush of blood to the heard fantasizing about stuff... and that is where the story began to open up,I felt like she was interrogating me on Eshar's behalf, trying to get information out that he couldn't crack me with. Eshar Manages the Housing and work life of the tennants among many of the shekel apartments. as I slowly began to become myself around her, joking around, asking her questions about her talents (such as photography, editing, singing, great knowledge of computers (she is custom building her own with the help of others so she can edit the heavy footage / photos from her big camera because her 2016 Macbook just can't hold up anymore, we went over her parts yesterday and it sounded like a powerful gaming computer with possible RGB and fancy water cooling), game design and cooking) I also tried teaching her English from one of the free books in the local neighborhood library. so far that book and the smorgasboard of Tea and stuff in my closet is becoming handy, giving me a little more time to spend with her doing something legitimately. I did a full send on her last week where I just kept the jokes and happiness coming and spewing out of my voicebox right into her ears processing through her brain. So anyways, we have been obligated to a day of conversation once a week thanks to one of the guys in charge Eshar in case I have something bothering me or need someone to talk to since he is never there and Doesn't give us much time to speak with him because he is apparently very busy all time time between work and family, so that was the spark that lit this fuse to open my past back up and started typing this. I had flashbacks last night which triggered me devastatingly. I played some old music from Paint By Numbers from the Band Calendar for Preston, and scrolled through my old posts, trying to remember what was on there so in case she wants to pick at one of them, I will have some idea which dramatic issue it was from. She gave me 3 options for a place to meet, either inside as we did, outside along the usual path for a walk, or in my room of which I said it was only for eshar and didn't really explain why I didn't want her in my room due to possible sexual promiscuity, and dirty thoughts / hallucinations of us in my bed just doing stuff. So we had our first meeting where she ended up asking me about my struggles with my OCD, then following up on the same dissecting the fact that I liked her, she started to open me up like a book with many pages and chapters. after I told her what was on my mind she suggested seeing her as a little sister, so I did. No incest going on over here. I told her that I have had struggles with women all over this blog, but I didn't tell her too much. When she sat across from me at the table, just smiling, I told her I didn't want to talk about it. However, she does not know the History of what I went through at thrive when I was around Chistians trying to keep a good mentality. I didn't want to damage her with my thoughts. I didn't share some of the worst ones about what happens to my body or if she is on my radar, close to me, and somewhat engaged. She asked me what is good in life instead, but then we backpedaled and talked about the issues about sexual innuendos and clothing. I didn't pull a Yonatan Card Claiming it was a coping mechansim to think and say all these things to keep me a float / vertical / stable .etc I think she processed everything well, but may have been a little stiff like I was afterwards. I felt a little bit of tension in there as well. I hope she didn't take it personally, I tried not to. When we just chat normally, it's a little elating, and I really do enjoy it, even if it's awkward, or forced even though we had already been talking since we both got home about work (on how I don't get paid and stuff, I showed her the "Paycheck" I got and she didn't understand it) life, and regular non deep topics. I see it as an excited dog who is happy to see it's owner when they come home, except I don't jump on them. I kinda feel like I get sucked into a conversation with real topics, and my OCD just wants more and won't let go. I didn't even get a chance to sit and rest on my computer (which I nicknamed my wife, since I can't call her that)since I got home after going to the bathroom The whole thing triggered my anxiety, stress, PTSD, and compulsive thoughts, and maybe a little bit of depression knowing that the path where this is going is very south. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust internally, but just a little. She is here for us, much like the other two that come on the other days, so I don't think there will be blocking on whatsapp, or completely avoiding / deflecting me when she comes to babysit over us because we need to communicate. Pretty sure none of us are going to be leaving the apartment life soon. We both seem to enjoy going for walks together, but she seems to know all the routes ***I don't think I wrote any posts about Amanda, or Katie in the blog, but it's a similar experience, (she was a very outgoing pretty blonde with many curves and everything a guy or girl could ask for, she was also a great teacher in Sociology, everyone loved her and flocked to her room all the time)*** except she comes twice a week into our personal living space... besides being a snitch about the keys to the money box, I haven't found many flaws in her ways. she seems to be good at everything she does. I'm super happy she doesn't smoke, and likes to keep things clean and organized like me. She has a small nose ring, but it's not extruding out of her nostrils because it's small. No Tattoos to my knowledge either. She did not attend the regular Army here she did Sherut Leumi which is basically the same thing without the uniform as I understand, but she seems like a tough girl when it counts, on the inside, and outside mentally, or physically if she can handle my jokes along with the three other boys in the house . she looks like a butterfly, but she could sting like a bee behind your back to an extent, not really sure about her transparency yet. I am not sure if she is single, but she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend like the other ladies did, either way, I don't think I would have a chance, at least in this environment, but hey, it could happen in my fantasy world. Age isn't important, but to my knowledge she is 24, I am 32, so like we're 8 years apart like davedays and lisanova. I told my roommate all the good things I remembered about our chat yesterday, and was like "How can I not be attracted to her?" and he said "I know how you feel" assuming he's been in the same vulnerable situation that I was experiencing. So far, I've slipped at least two times crossing the line with the jokes. The first thing was I had some money left over and she said I can buy a Bazooka, (Israeli bubble gum) and "I said, but I already have one". The other was when she lent her mask to one of my roommates, and he acted all excited about it and I said "it's not like she lent you her panties" We are getting to know each other personally and I am becoming less shy to talk to her. Let's hope my OCD won't ruin whatever relationship or platonic acquaintanceship that we have. Google gave me a few quotes and the one that stuck out to me was that I was waiting for something that wasn't going to happen i.e a legit relationship out of the friend zone. She had broken me during the morning hours I woke up the next day, but maybe there will be a recovery stage, google was pretty wordy with that. We have had at least one really good night, which lasted until the next morning when I got to work on time and was in a good mood where nothing could bring me down. I think she is enjoying our company, and the feeling is mutual with us. I won't know unless I ask her or read her journals, she offered to get me one but I typed everything out here instead because I get enough Journals at the place I volunteer at, Placing stickers on them all day long, and organizing them. I think we will be fine, and maximum nobody would call the police on me or lock me up for my borderline accidental sexual harassment at her job. I wish I could get a hold of the recent journals they have on us to see what she had written from her perspective, maybe if I ask, since it's nothing majorly personal, and is about us. Even then, not much to gain, but still, if I want at it, I will find a way without it being creepy or clearly for malintent, or not being blatantly obvious about my intentions. I'm not sure if she really realizes what this whole fiasco has caused me internally. I can't currently do it on our home computer like I used to when guy left himself logged in to his google drive to to a program called "Time Fix" and our computer being a useless piece of garbage that freezes a lot even when nothing is open and no programs are taking up space or memory on the hard drive like Shmuel (the logistics guy) blamed it all on Yonatan (Housemate) and his many gigs of data downloaded on to the hard drive. it's not like I can just pull the imaginary wool from over her concealed eyeballs. I noticed she shakes her legs a lot, I don't know if its from anxiousness, excitment, cramps, or something else on her mind, but I may ask her about how she is feeling, I probably feel the same way, but most of my feelings are kept underneath my skin, and hiding. Google didn't help with helping me find an answer, it just took me to pages about orgasm... and she definitely isn't doing that. I don't think a fat, hairy out of shape 32 year old with many disabilities would turn her on, I mean, she doesn't seem to respond back with the same love to my knowledge. Maybe just my Eyes because many people looked at them and said they were special. Who knows, maybe I am her type, and she is shy about it? She is still like an empty canvas, with untouched sheets of clay... but hey, I associated all the previous people with this song when times were low and depressing. When she accidentally left our whatsapp group, my heart was confused, and broken, but time should heal everything, it's only been about a day since the tragic events. Been writing this and adding more to it for so long that I forgot that I am even talking about another person and her feelings. I feel better now after I let it out, but it's still uncomfortable. Reverse Hugs are secretly fun. Journaling so it can become etched within the internet as long as blogger stays up.