The next Episode update of my life.

It's not healthy to suppress our feelings, so here I go sharing it through my Keyboard. I can't just push things into the back of my mind and move on right away, it takes a lot of digging, and time. The absolute worst thing to do in these situations is be silent. Silent Treatment / Radio Silence are no fun. It's kinda difficult to forget about things and pretend as if they didn't happen, this is the real world, with real people and reality is real, and not in my vivid / lucid dreams or voices that haunt me at night. I am not writing / Sharing to cause trouble, drama, to point fingers at anyone, or to make one feel guilty although I think most of this is a a pleasant read. I like to express myself, and since we have some maintenance, we can go over this during the day Monday, but probably closer to Thursday. I want to be transparent and not do things behind your back, also not for me to tell myself to eshar. This was instead of writing in the notebook. I am not exactly broken, but I don't think I had much sleep last night. #insomnia. You'll get a first look. Basically, I see you as a victim of something harmless, whether it was okay or not. I am still walking around with a guilty conscience, and constantly need reassurance because I become very insecure after these big, more traumatic events. Many Irrational Fears start spinning inside the cortext of by brain. I Still have a bitter taste in my mouth, of which traveled through my keyboard. I have a bad feeling we may become frenemies if these events continuously happen. Hopefully things won't get that bad and we will push through it. Remember when I mentioned that I can scare people easily before? not my intentions, but it's starting to become an itch I simply cannot scratch. Talking to you is the same, it can be medicinal if I am not having an episode, alternatively, it could become very toxic, meaning Eshar may need to give us a break from each other.. not sure how that would work, but I don't think it will get to that because I think I've been nice, and respectful towards you most of the time except that one Thursday where I didn't feel like talking to anybody. I understand that you are a Human, and not an Object, my comments are only meant to help uplift you a little. She should be happy and proud to display her work / art creations with others over social media platforms. it's nothing private anyways. It's like a free Art Museum that suddenly closes while business is booming, much like Corona did to a lot of people. Oh well. We will wait till she reads. I'll send it to the guy first and mention that we can do it in parts because it's kinda long and wordy. Probably needs explaining or translating. The light and the moon song (Hebrew) that Lady Gaga song you & I, and Shallow are still stuck in my head from when they sang it, but it's in her Vocals.  I think my Brain can go two ways, I can either attract someone, or violently push them away. I need to find the middle ground in every relationship so that it runs smoothly. Everything happens for a reason right? We may not know what it is, but that's how the world, and also maybe Karma works. Welcome to another one of my public freakouts! lol I am not fishing for Sympathy, but try to be as compassionate as possible. I totally understand if you don't really want to put up with this stuff, but that is kinda your Job as my Personal Madricha. I hope it's not too difficult for you, Apologies if it is. That's just the way I am sometimes, and I can't be the only one like this, yes, I I am unique, special, but I can't be the only one writing things and sharing them with shekel people. Ummm... where do I start? Going back to the first few emails of notes that I shared a while ago that never really surfaced... Most of it is old news. I'll start out from what we covered and set boundaries for previously such as..... emotional, and physical attraction which both happen naturally, it's how we handle the situations moving forward. it's hard to find someone out there especially when you're being very picky, you forget to look at yourself. Love is a basic human need that keeps us bonded to the people who matter most. I Remember the Fruits of the Spirit that I learned about during my involvement with highly religous christian groups. A secure, loving attachment with a romantic partner involves a deep affection, trust, and acceptance of a person, flaws and all. I think what I am doing is partially Lustful. I read that in an email by Dr Chevy Weiss (one of his emails on Shadchanim) He referred to certain actors hooking up on the friends tv show reunion that they thought would never end up together. A Person should be flexible with finding the right person. We need to step out of our comfort zone more often, and no, I am not hinting anything here! Just going over some psychology. it's not always about what you want, but also what the other person needs. Makes sense not to be selfish. He also wrote that Beauty can fade, or in my case things calm down and become a little less exciting, but still fun with what we have. We sometimes hit a rock or a hard place, but it's better than the first time we really talked, and after that when we talked again, and we really got to know each other. Another thing he wrote is to live in reality, and not in your dreams / fantasies, expect the unexpected and hope for the best. Love can Heal, or Hurt, as it knows no boundaries. I enjoy being sapiosexual with things. Right now it's teetering on both ends, and my heart is kinda in a vulnerable, more sensitive state as usual, but we are becoming more comfortable with sharing things so that's a plus. We have a nice little bond going on, maybe even a small friendly spark, but that's just my opinion. I was susceptible to internal / external danger but I think she understands me, and listens to me rather well although I may have to explain things a few times. Music is also in that same category where it can go both ways as seen last Thursday when all I heard were love songs, or songs that just decided to trigger me and my pent up rage that day. I am not bipolar, or schizophrenic to my knowledge, stuff just happens sometimes. She is good company, plus, she is female, and she looks great, her style has a ton of pizzazz (not to be confused with Pizzas) I try to avoid being in or around any boiling points like the TV show where they just troll people and if they don't rage quit, they'll get some money. She's very delicate, but I have brought out her strong side a few times with the whole ignoring her thing, and holding on to the extra 5 shekels, maybe to use it later, we don't see that side very often. Trying to write in chronological order Day of 6.17.2021 I looked in my Mirror and saw Gal taking the Key out of the second shelf's Bowl thingy and she was like "Daniel, I saw you looking" and later I told her that I kinda knew it was up there, and I did look in there before right after eshar dropped the metal clanking keys against the hard parts of the bowl, I eventually stopped looking for it, but I think at least for tomorrow Gal said She may trust me to know where it is, much like we are trying to build trust in our private conversations. I told her she could take inventory, I wasn't here to see her putting money in or taking money out of the box, so she may have already done that. We are going to get a new Keyless Lock box pretty soon, they sell them at the local Channan. I told her straight up that I have a mirror in my room and when I hear something moving or see some activity in the back, all I gotta do is peek to the left and I can pretty much see the entrance of the kitchen / Kitchen Table area. ***From the Future*** I checked the spot in the morning and it wasn't there, guess she found a new spot or didn't end up trusting me in the end? I took a brief look, and called it quits - Later I went to my PC from 4:00 -5:00 where Gal and I went out to finally play with the Frisbee which she needs a lot of practice on. Glad she remembered this time. Most of her throws were wobbly and went into the Bushes Multiple times but we had a few good throws so Next time she could be better, and more confident. also the other guys could join us for a bigger circle. We even had a small Child stop by, and another dude help us with getting the Frisbee out of the deep bushes all the way to the end, which caused me to go back home and get the long water cleaning stick while holding the bushes back for her... which cut off some of our fun activity time. We found a nice shady spot without rocks or dog poop, and we were careful about not hitting the other people, it wasn't shabbat so not as many people came or turned their heads in attention to us but, this Frisbee thing is like a magnet... after that it was time to go home. I told Gal (our Madricha) about my Notes and was reluctant for her to read some of it because it was unfiltered and private, but she had insisted. Like "I AM YOUR MADRICHA DANIEL!" So she came into my room and as I tried to cover the more personal parts up, she was in range of the screen and already looking, so I went all the way and just let her loose on everything, so I gave her a chair and she scanned over the whole thing. I mean, nothing much we can change about her photos there, but our nerves are more important and (I told her that later). Going back and asking her to be able to access her profiles would be like asking an ex-girlfriend to get back with you, after she's been seeing someone else... not a need, but a desire to hook back up, or reconnect. Real people are better than cool art pictures / projects from the past. they talk back and respond to you on the spot. I am going to miss them a little, (just like with the Money Box and the keys which are mostly forgotten about) but if I ever get curious I can just ask her, and I could probably see things with some context either on her Phone or Macbook. I told her not to sit on my bed for reasons. I don't know if I was hot from the exercise or the room light being on or stress and panic about the things she would see and think about the stuff I blatantly wrote about her... again, She said everything was okay, and I technically didn't do anything wrong although I felt like it and I told her that. She told me that The best way to talk about it is generally with the source and not anyone else not to cause creepy stalker vibes. I used babysitter #2 (Shay) as an outlet and I pretty much told him everything, not knowing what would happen with that information that I had already had about her past life... essentially, I had opened my mouth, shared my story, causing Shay's concern, leading to sabotaging everyone's public access to her profiles. I am not sure if the same would have happened had I told her myself as I would see her in a few days. It was my business at first, and then it became public and everything went AWOL. I was going to tell her when the time was right, and I felt comfortable, Shay had jumped the Gun and I don't really appreciate that. I am mostly over it, but some days I look at the emptyness and tought of the memories and information that once existed very publicly. Maybe some day it will change where I can follow her, but I don't think it's gonna happen unless a miracle happens, it will stay like that even after we are both long gone from shekel. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. later I told Gal that our nerves are more important to us. She told me she set her Instagram to private (and she did unfortunately, also Facebook), but her Facebook is still somewhat accessible and I am not exactly blocked there so I may be able to see little public snippets here and there, however, the Page just doesn't load for some odd reason, not even the public stuff, not a single post that I know existed shows up (Unless she actually went in a deleted everything there, to start fresh?) The Photographs, Art Pieces (excluding the ones where she is overly exposed from her past career modeling) and memories were the most important to me and I totally panicked and freaked out when they told me she had cut everyone who wasn't following her on Instagram off, and I got really upset. But really, they are just pictures and short clips of her old life, and they were enjoyable. The best way to know about what is going on in someone else's life is simply to ask as I did with her new computer... Somehow the social networks had connected, but why conveniently on a Monday Night when She was sitting right there? I have no idea, God works in Mysterious ways, especially with the women in my life with all the drama and emotions spewing out of all my orifices... Later in the next day I thought about the "Why" she did what she did, she wanted to protect me too, I don't know if it was related to a 32 year old sleuthing around on her social medias freely, I would have told her, but shay got to it first so he delivered the message before I could meet with her during the next Monday / Thursday. After that I showed her the mess in my closets twice and told her about my hoarding, so someday soon she wants to clean it up with me. after that we went out to Order Food as we do every Thursday, and I let her pay with the money I had because I told her I would take the extra 5 shekels and run with it... we went shopping together as an apartment and got some extra items due to an extra 200 Shekels from a man in Charge that gives us Money every single week. So after that I put my sandwich in my room and went for a walk to the first station to see the books and people one last time... didn't have much of an appetite, so not a lot of food for me. I needed a breath of fresh, clear, mountain air ... and I got some. When I got back everyone was in their Rooms and Gal was sitting by herself for some odd reason, and all the freaking lights were on, The kitchen table was pushed into the corner, and I got upset. I went in and out of conversation with Gal who told me she could stay up to 11:00 watching TV or whatever, even if she had to wake up the next day at 5:00 AM so she could make it in time to visit her family up north. I told her to have a nice trip and asked if she could take a nice photo of the view so we could either edit it in photoshop or gimp... That should be fun. After that I paced, and paced, and paced anxiously fixing up stuff, and eventually she asked me if all was good with the thumbs up or down and I said nope, I am rather anxious and it's beyond my control, and hers, she started singing the Jerusalem of gold song and It was rather relaxing, kinda like my mother was long ago when she sang us to sleep, but now we're stressed out. I was kinda soothing and therapeutic, she had an amazing voice for that and a great niche for songs / indie games / TV shows most of the time. I did not get turned on by it, but I did enjoy the free short concert. She asked me if I I listened to music to help calm me down, told her I enjoyed guitar instrumentals, and even shared a few videos with my Roommate Shay. gave me some breathing exercises, (which are more complicated to do due to my deviated septum), sometimes I don't get enough oxygen to my brain. She asked me about what my dad and brother did, when I came to Israel, and which place I would like to live better... Eventually at 10:24 I called it quits and started to drift away telling her that I didn't want to keep her awake so I was trying to respect that. I was pretty much stalling then. 5:00 AM is an early call time to rise, wake, and travel for hours, but the The destination is worth it! The Journey can be a fun experience as well. She Changed into her Pajamas , and BAM... she went behind the Dividers, and WOOSH, the lights went out instantaneously, and she conked out. Something weird I noticed was that she barely enters the bathroom, and I think to myself, how the heck does she hold it in for that long? is she shy to go pee or poo? and yes, for the record, girls Poop too. Maybe it's a weird swimmers thing? I saw her go in there once, and sometimes I hear things from the bathroom from the comfort of my own bed, right after the footsteps stop. it's none of my business, I was just curious. Doesn't look like she has a Toothbrush or Hair Brush, nor does she need it because she generally seems nice and neat, even on the sweatier days, she's not perfect, but she's a spectacle, and rather pleasing to the eyes. I enjoy making her smile and laugh with proper jokes / comments. The only comment I have about that would be the somewhat blank Smile I received during our first official Personal Meeting during my interrogation as I kept talking, the smile was there and I didn't know what to think. I'm sure it was real, and genuine, otherwise they wouldn't continue to try to help me, or they would tell Eshar and my Ass would be in the hot seat. but... I dunno, it's weird sometimes. Sidenote for today: The Internet was out for a while so she had reset the modem and then it magically worked and I was able to get online again. I hope she comes back from her trip safe, and I get to see her again. We are working within the boundaries. When I had asked to see her work / Portfolio I had no idea she did stuff like this, but I saw everything that I possibly could, and I think that was enough memories and information to simply get to know her better. I guess I got a nice surprise, with what could be a happier ending had the social media not gotten cut off from me. I think I wrote this before but... the old gal and the gal that we know now are not the same people. She has toned down a lot of party going spirit. She and I still probably have things to hide from each other. She had mentioned she felt anxious too, maybe I will ask her more about that without digging too deep into the cortex of her brain. I still don't know if She's straight or bi, or single from all the stuff I saw, but that doesn't really matter that much, I still get to see her twice a week, and some personal time with her 1 on 1. Sharing is not always caring and therapy / therapists don't really help that much if our private HIPAA related conversations are leaked to other doctors and people that you're not ready to let them know yet. Shay, Gal, and Eshar have taken advantage of my stupidity but I don't think they're using it against me, I mean, they wanna help. We are working on it every time we get together. I'm pretty sure they weren't put in my path as a part of God's Plan to devistate me and destroy my life even further that it is, or what it feels like. Relationships are more important than photos, and if I really want to see something on her Instagram or elsewhere which I know about whether it is public or not, I just simply ask her. No need to leech off anything of hers, because that is technically cyberstalking, and it's kinda illegal. I have the real human in front of me twice a week, plus another outlet on whatsapp, so I think I'm still decent with resources. She is currently the only active one who posts somewhat regularly from all the madrichim... as for the boobies thing, it was for an art project. I just felt a little shock in my system when I saw what I hadn't expected from my PC and it's internet capabilities. It's currently very hot outside, and if I tell her to put something on, she will melt, especially because she is already hot... She can be an excellent therapist. She even called me Danny, which felt weird, but could mean she's becoming more personal. She mentioned that she wasn't hinting at anything during our conversation but I don't know which context it was in. I asked if we could bake a Cake and she said yes, how about a Shabbat Cake? and told me to find a recipe and ingredients. I took a shower around Midnight and went to bed. Night of 6.17.2021 -The Walk helped, the spontaneous talk also helped me feel a little better as soon as I sat down on my computer and reunited with my wife. I felt Calmer and less restless. Chewing some Gum had helped put me at ease with my stress / anxiety, I didn't use the caffeine becuase it was late, and it wasn't the right time to use it. I Drank some Tea, and that seemed to help. Little things I've learned from the internet helped me here. Maybe it was the sound of her voice that reminded me of my mom's singing when we were younger, or her similar PJ's. The Shower I took at 12:20 helped a little bit, at least I am clean now. Things are passing over as I type this. My Head hurts and is Spinning a little. I also feel a little bit mixed up, but I can handle that. I was in bed at 1:30 ish, and slept pretty well. Overnight, I heard her Tossing and Turning, so I may ask how she slept a few days later. Last night was particularly cool, and the huge screen door should help a lot. Also the AC doesn't really reach over there, mostly in the rooms and is more efficient if the doors, windows, and even shades are closed on the more intense days of heat waves. I told her we could turn on the AC, or simply just ask, as I haven't heard them do. I am not in control of everything, so if something bothers them, we can talk about it in the yeshivah dira,(But she is only here Monday / Thursday so she isn't present) especially when leaving every single light on and going to their rooms, and pushing the kitchen table all the way to the corner of the wall for some odd reason, they need to chill out with that, it's a big excessive. We talked about the fan being big and loud, so she tried to sleep without it, and I plan to ask how that was. I did not make any jokes about only fans, I am not sure if she would understand, but hey, she would probably make a good amount of income from her older style without being essentially gross, or borderline pornographic. Some of those things I just can't unsee, and she nodded her head like... "yeah". I want to ask her more about that stuff from what I can remember that is still accessible publicly. I try to help her keep confidence with some of my comments, but I guess she thinks of her as an object or something like that. she's not into the whole angel thing, or to be told that she looks great, a great model. Like when women say that they are "Fine" that is Girl code for "No, I'm not fine" among other words and phrases memed on the internet. I try my best to respect her and be considerate of her comfort level, sometimes, I push it too far and get a negative reaction. I laughed when she said she was good / better with balls after throwing around the Frisbee, she kinda shrugged it off after she knew where my head was at. I think she is immune to it by now, or has a higher tolerance for it. Sometimes, my internal filter gets circumvented and my internal thoughts get presented through my external microphone a.k.a my voice box. Day of 6.18.2021 - woke up around 5:00 (some OCD Purposes because I enjoy seeing her and saying hello / goodbye in the mornings) (Casually!) and just stayed awake. I am not addicted, but very Obsessive about her. I told myself that my body's internal clock is malfunctioning / out of order and I needed one of those yellow signs, or Tags that they put on the broken machines when I worked in America. I joked that my body forgot about sleep and that it was even a thing that existed. I thought it may have been the Pepsi from the Soda Stream keeping me awake, but I will never know! I Heard the Phone numbers clanking as she was about to leave, I was pretty much awake then, and didn't hear the Door because she is just a ninja like that, much like yonatan. I got out of bed for some bread and hummus at 6. Started going over my thoughts from last night and adding to them. Did not feel like eating, but after a few hours, I had half of my New Deli Sandwich, it was still tasty. I went to check for the Lock Box Keys thoroughly, but they were not found, despite making a possible agreement to leave them out in a trusting sort of deal. There were many Air Long Distance High fives, but no hugs, I thought about it later. I mean, we are allowed to make light contact, as long as it's friendly right? It's more difficult for me to give hugs, but I think I could have used one. but I needed a shower urgently so I forgot about it. Want to ask her how she feels about limits / rules .etc Instagram / Facebook- She has nothing to hide and I don't have much to gain but try to persuade her to make things public. I'm not going to plaster her photos everywhere or blackmail her, I mean it's not a big difference but, if I had cause her to make some changes, even little ones, I think I may have actually gotten to her and struck a nerve, something beyond the superficial friendship that currently is existing between us, I mean, I am weak and sometimes really desire to look at her stuff, not to stalk her or do anything scary, but more to just simply see what she's up to with only good intentions, but, it is what it is, and that's that. If it continues to bother me beyond what I can take then maybe she needs to take more action, of course that is not good for me, but hey, I guess I would kinda deserve it? The Fact that I'm Adding more to this part is a clear sign that I am not 100% over it. I don't like to see absolutely nothing but year old posts, but it's hasn't even been a day yet, and I've lived without it before, so I can do it again. It's gotten so bad that literally nothing Loads on the Page, kinda like opening up an empty, sad black hole. I mean, it feels like an unnecessary wall between us, I think the Border between Israel and Lebanon is less secure than this. What I'm trying to say is I've felt like I've lost some connections after what had happened, I don't need them as they are not vital in my life, but things look a lot worse from my perspective because they happened. I think I can still send messages to her but we have whatsapp for that... I guess we're not allowed to connect, but I'm curious to see what would happen if we knew each other outside of the shekel circle. I told her that I was screaming internally and that I felt numb to everything, but that turned into an anxiety attack. Which I wrote in the other email. When I showed her the food she insisted she had to see it because she was my personal madrich. I didn't really like that, so I fought her on it like a rebound or something. She knows all my hiding spots, so she knows everything, but not the specifics, she probably told Eshar already, so I will probably get a mouthful from him. Need to confront Shay the Madrich and ask him how he told her about what I saw on the profiles... And why did he tell her? She was okay with it but she's not bulletproof so I'm guessing that it may have hit her somewhere near her soul because she took immediate action and set her Instagram to private. God Willing everything will be truly alright by Monday. I guess you could say he was also trying to look out for her / protect her, especially after all the things I told him. Maybe we could rent a car or bus and go on a road trip someday. Wanna ask her if we can walk around the city just for fun, or the mall to look for jobs and activities to do beyond the norm. Theater / Concerts are great ideas. We got on to the topic of harassment and I told her how Yael was abused many times but she is doing great now, and getting married soon. She has a few cats, a dog, and a fiance to keep her company. I missed out on a Game of SpongeBob Rehydrated battle for bikini bottom, but I'm pretty sure I will see it again. I still didn't feel like going to my PC and watching videos that were open since yesterday afternoon, maybe I'll find something else, or get back in the flow soon. I did mention that I was kinda broken and feeling that way before our talk. Perhaps I was scarred subconsciously while taking a look back in time? I was barely on my computer, and didn't have much of a desire to eat, even with all the excess goodies and nutrition that I have hidden inside my room. I did not mention that it was not all her fault, but if it comes up again, I will sincerely, and not just to make her feel better. She probably is more focused on other things because I am not her master or general as they say in the army (someone of High Rank) and she has other things to occupy her time with me, but as far as I know, I still have some importance in her life, the co-workers, and others who live with me. Hila probably still misses us. I started talking about my anxiety and opened up upon the subject of not being able to escape and being stuck at home. There's no Horsham Clinic, only the emergency room at Shaare Zedek where the only thing they did was take my blood, shove an IV in my Arm, put me on tiny stretcher in a tiny clustered claustrophobic hospital hallway where I was so anxious, I had walked around a majority of the night drinking water from paper cups at the cafe, trying to keep my glasses safe, and clean, pacing back and forth in circles trying to find a good place to sit to no avail. When these things are stronger than medicine, or my mental strength, that puts me in a bad situation. My own world becomes another world like a black hole where the world is like my oyster in a shell. At least I have adjusted to Israel already, and have overcome a ton of obstacles. I have more outlets than just my mom, and me begging for the police to take me in in the middle of the night when I got stuck in the city and had to take a taxi back. That's something she didn't know, as well as the cyberstalking thing, but shay may have told her that too. The next time we talk things should get better, and if not, I'll write some more. I filtered this blog out for at least 4 hours, and wrote it in about 1 hour. It is as clear as I can make it. if I missed something, this version is good enough. https://yismach.com/blog/2021/06/18/building-a-relationship-with-that-perfect-stranger/ A great Article I got in my email from Yismach.com https://declutterthemind.com/blog/how-to-let-things-go/ - Another good article on with tips on letting things go Some Positive Affirmations from the internet that reflect how I feel. The Idea of looking them up came from a Matt D' Avella Video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAYw_orzBR0) My past is not a reflection of my future. Difficult times allow me to appreciate the good times. without the light, the dark won't show. Just keep breathing. I have the power to create change. No amount of worrying can change the future. No Amount of Anger will cause things to move forward. To make small steps toward big goals is progress. I have so much good love to share with others. I must learn to love myself before I love others. I must embrace the glorious mess that I have become. We must be willing to committ to letting go of the life we planned so we could have a chance of a better life that is probably waiting for us. Failure is just another way to learn how to do something right. The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it. Peace begins with me. The more peaceful I am inside, the more peace I have to share with others. We are all one big family, and this planet is our home. I am surrounded  and blessed by people who love me. Bad chapters can still create great stories. Wrong Parts can still lead to the right places. Failed Dreams can still create successful people. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Sometimes it takes losing yourself and hitting Rock bottom to find yourself. I don't have the patience to edit any more right now. This post turned out to be devastatingly long. *Can ask how her trip was and about the photos. How the situation is up north.* *She read this later and was pleasantly surprised, and not repulsed by it* *She is stronger than I think, all of that didn't even seem to phase her, at least not externally*

About A Girl - 2021 Update

I must remain anonymous when typing this one, she has a link that takes her to this blog and we may be reading this one together. She's not fluent in English, but she'll probably understand a good chunk of this.I don't think I can really talk in code with this one. I'll need to write this as if I am reading this directly to her. I enjoy writing passionately about things in my life, to remember my trials, tribulations, and manic episodes. Really makes people think a little after a second encounter with these issues of mine. I don't think many people will read these or stumble upon my page randomly because the site is kinda dead and old fashioned, and I don't think I will get help or suggestions from what people read. Feedback would be nice, I am not looking for sympathy here, I am just simply sharing my thoughts on a blog page on the internet. I didn't sleep very well last night so my brain is mush and I am blaming some of it on this.I didn't really feel like getting out of bed today, despite all the sounds and lights going on aside from the chatter between tenants. let's backtrack to where it all began. We met in a group setting, I was the one who opened the door for her. I have moved on to an apartment with 3 other dudes so we have someone essentially coming to babysit with us from 4 pm to about 8:30 at Max. We are a special group of people on the autistic spectrum with aspergers. Some of us have more special needs than others... back on track when I first saw her and noticed the red and black sporty clothing that she wore, internally I was like "HOLY SHIT" "Don't scare her" Then I noticed her cool socks and other things about her and knew she had a great fashion sense, I wondered if she was a model, I was like, "damn." she and I didn't like the intrusive questions given to us, we like to find out about people as time goes along. She got some cool points for that. So time went on and she came twice more with another babysitter. She helped cook in the kitchen, she has a detailed, organized way to slice and dice things such as tomatoes. I noticed she was rather intelligent while making food with her. My Cooking day is Monday, and fast forwarding a little bit, we have been making damn good meals. I mean, we work together, and she knows what she's doing, so that's great. I hope it doesn't sound sexist that I say she is good in the kitchen. Girl's got some skills, a great god given gifts on both ends of the spectrum inside and out. At first it was a lot more difficult to concentrate due to my OCD taking over and sexualizing almost everything, scanning her hand movements and her while I was peeling carrots and potatoes. A little innocent peak here and there, I didn't full on gawk at her, still to this day, I can't look at her in the face, I think it's partially an Asperger's thing, I was red like a Tomato... but I try to respect her as much as I can. I think a lot, but I don't say much. That quote was from an old post on Tumblr back in the Beatrice Days where she was manically depressed and I tried to help her, only to fail. Her Tumblr page was like a goldmine for subliminal sadness much like this blog. It's getting better I think, some days are worse than others where parts of me are triggered and I get a rush of blood to the heard fantasizing about stuff... and that is where the story began to open up,I felt like she was interrogating me on Eshar's behalf, trying to get information out that he couldn't crack me with. Eshar Manages the Housing and work life of the tennants among many of the shekel apartments. as I slowly began to become myself around her, joking around, asking her questions about her talents (such as photography, editing, singing, great knowledge of computers (she is custom building her own with the help of others so she can edit the heavy footage / photos from her big camera because her 2016 Macbook just can't hold up anymore, we went over her parts yesterday and it sounded like a powerful gaming computer with possible RGB and fancy water cooling), game design and cooking) I also tried teaching her English from one of the free books in the local neighborhood library. so far that book and the smorgasboard of Tea and stuff in my closet is becoming handy, giving me a little more time to spend with her doing something legitimately. I did a full send on her last week where I just kept the jokes and happiness coming and spewing out of my voicebox right into her ears processing through her brain. So anyways, we have been obligated to a day of conversation once a week thanks to one of the guys in charge Eshar in case I have something bothering me or need someone to talk to since he is never there and Doesn't give us much time to speak with him because he is apparently very busy all time time between work and family, so that was the spark that lit this fuse to open my past back up and started typing this. I had flashbacks last night which triggered me devastatingly. I played some old music from Paint By Numbers from the Band Calendar for Preston, and scrolled through my old posts, trying to remember what was on there so in case she wants to pick at one of them, I will have some idea which dramatic issue it was from. She gave me 3 options for a place to meet, either inside as we did, outside along the usual path for a walk, or in my room of which I said it was only for eshar and didn't really explain why I didn't want her in my room due to possible sexual promiscuity, and dirty thoughts / hallucinations of us in my bed just doing stuff. So we had our first meeting where she ended up asking me about my struggles with my OCD, then following up on the same dissecting the fact that I liked her, she started to open me up like a book with many pages and chapters. after I told her what was on my mind she suggested seeing her as a little sister, so I did. No incest going on over here. I told her that I have had struggles with women all over this blog, but I didn't tell her too much. When she sat across from me at the table, just smiling, I told her I didn't want to talk about it. However, she does not know the History of what I went through at thrive when I was around Chistians trying to keep a good mentality. I didn't want to damage her with my thoughts. I didn't share some of the worst ones about what happens to my body or if she is on my radar, close to me, and somewhat engaged. She asked me what is good in life instead, but then we backpedaled and talked about the issues about sexual innuendos and clothing. I didn't pull a Yonatan Card Claiming it was a coping mechansim to think and say all these things to keep me a float / vertical / stable .etc I think she processed everything well, but may have been a little stiff like I was afterwards. I felt a little bit of tension in there as well. I hope she didn't take it personally, I tried not to. When we just chat normally, it's a little elating, and I really do enjoy it, even if it's awkward, or forced even though we had already been talking since we both got home about work (on how I don't get paid and stuff, I showed her the "Paycheck" I got and she didn't understand it) life, and regular non deep topics. I see it as an excited dog who is happy to see it's owner when they come home, except I don't jump on them. I kinda feel like I get sucked into a conversation with real topics, and my OCD just wants more and won't let go. I didn't even get a chance to sit and rest on my computer (which I nicknamed my wife, since I can't call her that)since I got home after going to the bathroom The whole thing triggered my anxiety, stress, PTSD, and compulsive thoughts, and maybe a little bit of depression knowing that the path where this is going is very south. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust internally, but just a little. She is here for us, much like the other two that come on the other days, so I don't think there will be blocking on whatsapp, or completely avoiding / deflecting me when she comes to babysit over us because we need to communicate. Pretty sure none of us are going to be leaving the apartment life soon. We both seem to enjoy going for walks together, but she seems to know all the routes ***I don't think I wrote any posts about Amanda, or Katie in the blog, but it's a similar experience, (she was a very outgoing pretty blonde with many curves and everything a guy or girl could ask for, she was also a great teacher in Sociology, everyone loved her and flocked to her room all the time)*** except she comes twice a week into our personal living space... besides being a snitch about the keys to the money box, I haven't found many flaws in her ways. she seems to be good at everything she does. I'm super happy she doesn't smoke, and likes to keep things clean and organized like me. She has a small nose ring, but it's not extruding out of her nostrils because it's small. No Tattoos to my knowledge either. She did not attend the regular Army here she did Sherut Leumi which is basically the same thing without the uniform as I understand, but she seems like a tough girl when it counts, on the inside, and outside mentally, or physically if she can handle my jokes along with the three other boys in the house . she looks like a butterfly, but she could sting like a bee behind your back to an extent, not really sure about her transparency yet. I am not sure if she is single, but she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend like the other ladies did, either way, I don't think I would have a chance, at least in this environment, but hey, it could happen in my fantasy world. Age isn't important, but to my knowledge she is 24, I am 32, so like we're 8 years apart like davedays and lisanova. I told my roommate all the good things I remembered about our chat yesterday, and was like "How can I not be attracted to her?" and he said "I know how you feel" assuming he's been in the same vulnerable situation that I was experiencing. So far, I've slipped at least two times crossing the line with the jokes. The first thing was I had some money left over and she said I can buy a Bazooka, (Israeli bubble gum) and "I said, but I already have one". The other was when she lent her mask to one of my roommates, and he acted all excited about it and I said "it's not like she lent you her panties" We are getting to know each other personally and I am becoming less shy to talk to her. Let's hope my OCD won't ruin whatever relationship or platonic acquaintanceship that we have. Google gave me a few quotes and the one that stuck out to me was that I was waiting for something that wasn't going to happen i.e a legit relationship out of the friend zone. She had broken me during the morning hours I woke up the next day, but maybe there will be a recovery stage, google was pretty wordy with that. We have had at least one really good night, which lasted until the next morning when I got to work on time and was in a good mood where nothing could bring me down. I think she is enjoying our company, and the feeling is mutual with us. I won't know unless I ask her or read her journals, she offered to get me one but I typed everything out here instead because I get enough Journals at the place I volunteer at, Placing stickers on them all day long, and organizing them. I think we will be fine, and maximum nobody would call the police on me or lock me up for my borderline accidental sexual harassment at her job. I wish I could get a hold of the recent journals they have on us to see what she had written from her perspective, maybe if I ask, since it's nothing majorly personal, and is about us. Even then, not much to gain, but still, if I want at it, I will find a way without it being creepy or clearly for malintent, or not being blatantly obvious about my intentions. I'm not sure if she really realizes what this whole fiasco has caused me internally. I can't currently do it on our home computer like I used to when guy left himself logged in to his google drive to to a program called "Time Fix" and our computer being a useless piece of garbage that freezes a lot even when nothing is open and no programs are taking up space or memory on the hard drive like Shmuel (the logistics guy) blamed it all on Yonatan (Housemate) and his many gigs of data downloaded on to the hard drive. it's not like I can just pull the imaginary wool from over her concealed eyeballs. I noticed she shakes her legs a lot, I don't know if its from anxiousness, excitment, cramps, or something else on her mind, but I may ask her about how she is feeling, I probably feel the same way, but most of my feelings are kept underneath my skin, and hiding. Google didn't help with helping me find an answer, it just took me to pages about orgasm... and she definitely isn't doing that. I don't think a fat, hairy out of shape 32 year old with many disabilities would turn her on, I mean, she doesn't seem to respond back with the same love to my knowledge. Maybe just my Eyes because many people looked at them and said they were special. Who knows, maybe I am her type, and she is shy about it? She is still like an empty canvas, with untouched sheets of clay... but hey, I associated all the previous people with this song when times were low and depressing. When she accidentally left our whatsapp group, my heart was confused, and broken, but time should heal everything, it's only been about a day since the tragic events. Been writing this and adding more to it for so long that I forgot that I am even talking about another person and her feelings. I feel better now after I let it out, but it's still uncomfortable. Reverse Hugs are secretly fun. Journaling so it can become etched within the internet as long as blogger stays up.